Why do oven instructions always have a nice round number like 400 instead of a random one 20 degrees hotter?
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︎ May 18 2021
My new pencil sharpener came with a good set of instructions.
It was full of useful pointers.
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︎ Feb 18 2021
I bought a DIY table today. There were no instructions.
It was counter intuitive.
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︎ Feb 19 2021
I bought a roll on deodorant, the instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I walk kinda funny now but my farts smell great!
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︎ Jan 02 2021
He followed the instructions word-for-word
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︎ Dec 14 2020
I've just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there's no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
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︎ Jun 06 2020
My dad gave me standing instructions to not scare him on halloween
Well, it is invalid as I was sitting.
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︎ Oct 05 2020
My wife told me to flip off the thermostat before we left the house. I donβt think she appreciated how I followed her instructions.
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︎ Feb 16 2020
I just bought a Monopoly set which has no instructions,
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︎ Jun 08 2020
What colour is an instruction to cry out in pain?
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︎ May 23 2020
Following instructions to make mayo
Teacher: -So, add sunflower oil and stir
Me: -Hmm, I didn't quite understand that. I guess I'll ketchup later!
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︎ May 02 2020
My friend found he worked best when instructions were spoken aloud. Then he could perform them.
It was easier said then done.
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︎ Jan 28 2020
My dairy farmer uncle died leaving written legal instruction for me to inherit a single gallon of cheese production byproduct. Makes sense, because...
Where there's a will, there's a whey.
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︎ Dec 20 2019
Assembly instructions not included.
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︎ Jan 30 2019
Just following instructions
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︎ Apr 22 2019
I once got an origami set without instructions
I didnβt know what to make of it
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︎ Dec 13 2018
On the instructions of my ready meal it says "Rest for 5 minutes once cooked".
But I'm not tired at all.
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︎ Aug 22 2019
Even though Math is a median of instruction, teachers can be really mean. Sometimes they enjoy students going into range mode.
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︎ Mar 14 2019
As a pharmacist who usually writes instruction labels for oral medications...
Most of what I say to patients is ingest.
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︎ Mar 10 2019
What do you call the set of instructions that makes the internet work?
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︎ Jul 22 2019
A complete set of instructions for riding an escalator:
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︎ May 24 2018
I gave the art restoration people very simple instructions
If it ain't baroque, don't fix it
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︎ Apr 14 2019
Got a new deodorant stick today. Instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"
I can barely walk, but every time I fart the room smells great!
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︎ Mar 03 2018
Whatβs Captain Picardβs first instruction to his employees, in anticipation of the Friday evening crowds at a Mexican restaurant that he supervises?
βMake queso, number one.β
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︎ Jun 26 2018
Despite my excellent instructions, my student keeps sinking instead of swimming.
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︎ Jan 04 2019
My wife got an instruction during warm-ups from her at-home workout program to switch feet.
Me: I didn't realize you had more than one pair.
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︎ Dec 02 2018
If you pick up a road traveler with an instruction manual for his Samsung phone...
...isn't that book the hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy?
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︎ Nov 30 2016
Christopher Nolan was giving his composer cooking instructions.
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︎ Jun 12 2017
I was making furniture with Braille instructions
It was really hands on work.
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︎ Sep 06 2018
I refuse to write instruction booklets at work.
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︎ May 13 2015
Cooking Instructions
Decided to cook myself a steak for dinner so I text my dad "how do you season steak." My phone autocorrected "steak" to "streak" without me noticing. My dad responds with "You wait until the summer when it is warmer." It took me far too long to realise what he was talking about.
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︎ Mar 28 2015
Driving Instructions
So yesterday I was giving my dad directions while he was driving and I told him to take a right at the next light. The street he happened to be turning onto was called Dwight so he answers back:
"At Da wight?"
Yes dad....
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︎ Feb 21 2014
My dad's response to a simple instruction
My family has a whatsapp group. We are discussing flight arrivals. My brother sends his flight info and the conversation moves on.
Dad: Brother, when do you reach?
Mom: Look above
Dad: I only see the roof!
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︎ Nov 25 2014
I bought some dandruff treatment, but it did not come with instructions.
It left me scratching my head.
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︎ Jul 29 2020
I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.
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︎ Jan 25 2020
I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk but my farts smell lovely.
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︎ Oct 06 2019
I was shopping for some deodorant this afternoon. I noticed the instructions said βremove cap and twist up bottomβ
It hurts to walk now but my farts smell great!
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︎ Dec 11 2018
I just bought a Monopoly set, but there aren't any instructions...
...I mean, what are the chances?!
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︎ Apr 06 2018
Whatβs Captain Picardβs first instruction to his employees, in anticipation of the Friday evening crowds at a Mexican restaurant that he supervises?
βMake queso, number one.β
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︎ Jun 25 2018
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