I bought a roll on deodorant, the instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom"...

I walk kinda funny now but my farts smell great!

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toberoni
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A man recently ran up to me announcing that he was a primary color, then instructed me to perform a modern dance trend on the fourth letter of the alphabet and food coloring.

He said "I'm blue, dab a D, dab a dye".

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
He followed the instructions word-for-word
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loot98
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad gave me standing instructions to not scare him on halloween

Well, it is invalid as I was sitting.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/naiivekid
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I purchased a deodorant stick today. Instructions say, "remove cap and push up bottom."

I can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells lovely. Credit: https://pun.me/pages/dad-jokes.php

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BredSolid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I've just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there's no instructions on how to use it.

It's left me scratching my head to be honest.

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The new Lego store recently opened up

People lined up for blocks

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scaulbylausis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I just bought a Monopoly set which has no instructions,

What are the chances?

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to flip off the thermostat before we left the house. I don’t think she appreciated how I followed her instructions.
πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Squachee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What colour is an instruction to cry out in pain?

Yell "ow"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Following instructions to make mayo

Teacher: -So, add sunflower oil and stir

Me: -Hmm, I didn't quite understand that. I guess I'll ketchup later!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Davis_Schina
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
The man and the silver screw.

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jj8o8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame.

But the instructions just say β€˜You know the rules, and so do I”

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend found he worked best when instructions were spoken aloud. Then he could perform them.

It was easier said then done.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A doctor was teaching a class, and wanted to give a pop quiz about tolerance and observance when dealing with the cadavers. (L) (On Mobile)

Teacher: β€œSo I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”

The teacher has everyone turn their body over

Teacher: β€œNow I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”

all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first

Teacher: β€œOkay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”

The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked

As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, β€œnow see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.

With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wonkagloop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My dairy farmer uncle died leaving written legal instruction for me to inherit a single gallon of cheese production byproduct. Makes sense, because...

Where there's a will, there's a whey.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadMoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you're smiling?

Haha, I made you smile.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/osman_uat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Matthew McConaughey is a professor now!! When he gives his students research assignments he instructs them to . . .

All Write! All Write! All Write!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
On the instructions of my ready meal it says "Rest for 5 minutes once cooked".

But I'm not tired at all.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Just following instructions
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zergreport
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Assembly instructions not included.
πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EquivalentCherry3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I once got an origami set without instructions

I didn’t know what to make of it

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/acuppakim
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call the set of instructions that makes the internet work?

An AlGoreRithm

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ssulliv20
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
As a pharmacist who usually writes instruction labels for oral medications...

Most of what I say to patients is ingest.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheweduproach
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Even though Math is a median of instruction, teachers can be really mean. Sometimes they enjoy students going into range mode.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KenJethro43
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A complete set of instructions for riding an escalator:

Step 1.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I gave the art restoration people very simple instructions

If it ain't baroque, don't fix it

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wawoodworth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
🚨︎ report
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"

"You just follow the instructions."

"Which instructions?"

"Yeah, they're the ones."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLaffGaff
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A police officer stops a guy carrying a backpack on suspicion of terrorism.

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack.

The guy obliges.

In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been caught carrying weapons of math instruction!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter is at a seminar learning to instruct physical conditioning programs to locomotive passengers

It's called train training training training.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-jako
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
🚨︎ report
What’s Captain Picard’s first instruction to his employees, in anticipation of the Friday evening crowds at a Mexican restaurant that he supervises?

β€œMake queso, number one.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SabinCrusades
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Despite my excellent instructions, my student keeps sinking instead of swimming.

He must be too dense.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently gave a lecture instructing people how to give directions by violently thrusting their arm towards the intended destination.

It was a PowerPoint presentation.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife got an instruction during warm-ups from her at-home workout program to switch feet.

Me: I didn't realize you had more than one pair.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StChas77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I was making furniture with Braille instructions

It was really hands on work.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jfutchy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Christopher Nolan was giving his composer cooking instructions.

"Hans, simmer."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jon-Osterman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2017
🚨︎ report
If you pick up a road traveler with an instruction manual for his Samsung phone...

...isn't that book the hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy?

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rock_fact
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
🚨︎ report
I bought some dandruff treatment, but it did not come with instructions.

It left me scratching my head.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk but my farts smell lovely.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bryanBr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame

But the instructions just say β€˜You know the rules, and so do I”

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vwraider
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I was shopping for some deodorant this afternoon. I noticed the instructions said β€œremove cap and twist up bottom”

It hurts to walk now but my farts smell great!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FartRipper67
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Got a new deodorant stick today. Instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

I can barely walk, but every time I fart the room smells great!

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm never using stick deodorant again...

The instructions said " remove cap and push up bottom"

I can hardly walk.

πŸ‘︎ 135
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Richo_HATS2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I just bought a Monopoly set, but there aren't any instructions...

...I mean, what are the chances?!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What’s Captain Picard’s first instruction to his employees, in anticipation of the Friday evening crowds at a Mexican restaurant that he supervises?

β€œMake queso, number one.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SabinCrusades
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.