I asked fellow astronauts on ISS for some milk to put in my coffee but was informed I can't have any.

They said: "In space nobody can. Here, use cream"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can’t your orthodontist release any of your medical information?

That information is strictly confidental

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sal4Sale
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
A chameleon went to the doctor and said he was having trouble changing his colors. The doctor did some tests and called the chameleon. He informed the chameleon that unfortunately he was suffering from...

a-reptile-disfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murdock431
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
How did Kim and Kanye inform their kid that they were divorcing?

Sorry North, things went South.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
They say an informed racist is better than an uninformed racist. You know what's worse than an uninformed racist?

A uniformed racist!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BowelMovementator
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
There are 2 types of people: 1) people who make inferences over low amounts of information

Get it?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LightningClone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a well informed wolf ?

Aware_wolf

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/its_boogeyman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Now you just wait there a damn second friend.. a little birdie has just informed me that you are in fact a mime

Ya don’t say.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Before Pterodactyls evolved, dinosaurs could only process information in Pgigadactyls

...I said Pgigadactyls.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOldGods37
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve just been informed that a distant relative left me a very expensive watch in his will.

I hope it’s not a wind up

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no wifi and couldn’t find the information I wanted.

I wound up using cellular.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaconShrimpEyes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.

The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karanrime
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the hardware store employee use to steal personal information?

A Hacksaw.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Can anyone inform me on who invented knock knock jokes ?

They deserve a no bell prize

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkalan64
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that a single sperm contains 37.5 MB of DNA information? Meaning that, during 3 seconds long ejaculation, more than 11,250 TERA bytes of information is transmitted.

That's alot of information to swallow.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I just failed my Information Technology class...

I just don't get IT

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZoNaGii
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife bought me a new shirt for my birthday!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timbillyosu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Police officer informs a wife that her husbund has been found drowned in a vat of beer.

The wife said "was it murder"? The officer said "no madam it was suicide" The wife said how" can you tell"? The police said - "On the cctv your husbund climbed out of the vat 5 times for a pee!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fear of giants?

Feefiphobia

Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
How does Chipotle' inform their customers that their order is ready?

...by tex-mexage.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmatlack1023
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did the father store all his information?

In the Dada-base.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JPHarrison007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to share some information on cultivating herbs.

It's sage advice.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do DJs get their information?

The wiki wiki

πŸ‘︎ 193
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shrimpio
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Invalleria
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m reading a book on the history of glue....

I can’t seem to put it down.

πŸ‘︎ 204
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Important information

Aruba - Cherry Pie $3.45

Bahamas - Apple Pie $2.75

Jamaica - Key Lime Pie $3.34

Saint Croix - Lemon Pie $4.21

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MobileBrowns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What animal is the best at keeping your medical information confidential?

A HIPAA-potamus

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wspoons5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Blood and Organ related puns please

So a colleague is leaving my work (transfusion medicine lab) to work as an information manager for the organ transplant service. I make cards and I’m trying to think up something punny to write on/in his card and I’ll paint a picture on the front for context. I was thinking like β€œbloody good luck” or β€œsorry you’re transplanting”... but less shitty!

Thanks in advance :)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Massive-Lock-6048
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife just informed me that β€œterrible two” refers to a kids in a specific developmental stage

And all this time that’s how I always referred to my two kids at all times

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Informative product review
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sergeant_RL-3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80s music!

Me: Yikes! What is The Cure?

Doctor: Oh my God. It is worse than I thought!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.

Someone’s getting LED tonight. ;)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle /r/Jokes/comments/g7nncw/…
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikelb5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I regress to inform you...

Googoo gaga

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProtoXoa
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I keep sending my information to the bank but they claim it’s too crooked to read.

They need to get their fax straight.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The media are now only using email to transfer information

They don’t care about fax anymore

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The man and the silver screw.

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jj8o8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
A computer engineer came to my house. I said, "I can't get aroused by programs and other operating information on my machine."

He said, "Software?"

I said, "In my pants."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
When discussing my history of eye inflammation at the optometrist, I was advised to look up information on conjunctivitis.com.

It's a site for sore eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/conundrumbombs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a pirates least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,

this is the federal prosecutor's office, informing you that you've been convicted and charged on seven counts of piracy.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RussiaIsMyCity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you never believe a clock?

It usually has second hand information

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shywife36
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
In what month was Shrek born?

Oct-ogre

(Credit to my 4-y old!)

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snowblowjoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I once tried to drive my Toyota Corolla with a stick shift on the Autobahn, but German authorities flagged me down and informed me that was illegal...

So I drove down the manualbahn instead.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalmingVisionary
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I've just been informed that my six year old son is not mine

and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A team of Jewish hackers stole my information and posted it online

I was Orthodoxed

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coluber_kid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report

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