Maths is fun. It teaches you life and death info...

Like, when you're freezing, go and stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees there.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.

Nice touch.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tombsing
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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What do I do if I need some info about Alaska?

Alaska question

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tannerlaw
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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Did you know that there is a severe lack of properly sourced info about whales?

[cetacean needed]

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/this_time_i_mean_it
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!

Man: Yikes! Whatโ€™s The Cure?

Doctor: Whoa! Itโ€™s worse than I thought.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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[HELP] Need help coming up with a certain good pun info in desc.

Hi all, sorry for the unorthodox post, but i really need help coming up with a specific pun. You see, this girl called eve challenged me to think of a non-obvious pun for her name that is still good and so far the best i can think of is something to do with an apple(like out of the bible) any chance you could help out a brother in need? Any input welcome.

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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When youโ€™re like Kepler and your boss wants you to do his work without giving you all of the info
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Chakasicle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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What pops info the head of someone jumping from 6th flood?

His spine.

(i meant into not info)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hugojet
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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At my work we sell internet and work with credit card info so we aren't allowed to bring mobil phones in.

So I turned to my manager yesterday and said "We may not be able to have cell phones, but we can have SALE phones."

Note: This my first post here and not 100% sure if this is a dad joke. If it doesn't belong here, do inform me where I could post it. Many thanks!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/James_Reacher
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
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So I just looked at my dad's Facebook info for the first time...
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ayyoschoeman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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The operator on the phone line told me she was standing by for more info...

I told her that she could sit if she wanted to.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mingonius
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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[request] puns about food (info in post)

I have a friend designing a website for a project and in the website it allows you to customize what you want in a meal so it can be added to your cart and shipped to you. On her site she will have a button that picks a random meal for you if you canโ€™t decide.

So sheโ€™s been trying to think of funny names to label this button. One idea she has was to label it โ€œClick-Nom-Meโ€. So Iโ€™m not sure if this is the right sub to post in but any food/eating puns would be much appreciated!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josh_Butterballs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
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A criminal sneaked his phone info prison

Does it makes it a cellphone ?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RottenMind62
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 29 2018
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Need pun help! (See text for more info)

I need a pun that has to do with either hands/arms/fingers + Cajun cuisine.

Really stumped on this one.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/alsoodani
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2013
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I've been torturing my daughter with jokes for years now

And here they are

In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.

Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:

Vol. 1

Vol. 2

Vol. 3

Vol. 4

EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!

Also, thanks for the gold.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/geoffevans
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
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I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: โ€œDonโ€™t go in there! Donโ€™t go in the church, you moron!โ€

She is watching our wedding video again.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
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Manakin Skywalker
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CapnPhil
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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How Long is a Chinese name.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Donnakebabmeat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 12 2018
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I have a simple standard for dadjoke quality: the joke should not simply be a lame, obvious pun that anyone could think of. So I checked to see if this sub's top ten jokes met this standard.

But no pun in ten did

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HAL9000000
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2017
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If you're American going into the bathroom and American coming out, what are you in the bathroom?

European

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Me-Smart
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
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Why couldn't 8 get back up?

When it fell, it was forever

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mattreyu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 08 2018
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Iโ€™ve just installed high voltage electrical fencing .....

My neighbour is dead against it.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hughdman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
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A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks,

"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/notwutiwantd
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 23 2017
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My co workers are like my Christmas lights...

Half of them donโ€™t work and the other half arenโ€™t that bright.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/g00secs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2017
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My girlfriend almost left me at the store because of this one.

Her: "Aww, look at these cute coasters!"

Me: "They'd be better if they had wheels."

Her: "Why?"

Me: "Because then they would be rollercoasters."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dreamerkid001
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 20 2017
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What do you call a pair of crows sitting next to each other?

An attempted murder.

*A group of crows is called a murder.

A friend of mine collects info and puns about crows and told me this one.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DisabledCreative
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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My wife's been re-watching the TV show 'Medium'...

I asked her if she'd seen the hard-to-find special season they made towards the end of the show's run.

She gave me a puzzled and intrigued look and wanted to know more info on it.

I told her I believe that specific season is commonly called 'Medium Rare'.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/braxistExtremist
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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At an Indian restaurant with my parents.

An actual dad joke from about an hour ago. He delivered it flawlessly.

My dad holds up the empty bread basket to the waiter and, with a serious face, says "this bread, we have naan."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/blebber
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 13 2014
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Two Tens for a Five

A classic ย Abbott and Costelloย routine, from their first movie, ย One Night in the Tropics, where ย Bud Abbottย shows that heโ€™s not above running a quick scam on his friend, ย Lou Costello, in order to make a few dollars.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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I'm still in awe by my fathers' genius.

I'm sitting at the dining room table with my mom just chatting about nothing in particular, when my dad walks with this shit eating grin holding something behind his back. Now for a little background info, my dad NEVER does surprises. And I mean never. So I immediately knew something was up. My mom turns around and asks him what's going on. He tells her to close her eyes and hold out her hands because he got her a surprise. At this point my mom gets really excited and asking, "what is it?! What is it?!" To which my dad replies,

"Do you remember when we went out the other day and you were looking at those new running shoes, but you decided not to get them because they were too expensive?"

To which she responds, "ahhhh! Yes I remember!!"

He then says, "well I saw how much you liked them so I decided to get you a pear."

And he puts a fresh pear in her hands.

She still won't talk to him.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/laxerado1313
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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Did you hear about the truckload of pickles that overturned on the highway...

I dunno what the dill is... details are sketchy. I relish any comments with more info about this incident.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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Algy and the Bear

Algy and the Bear, a poem recited in Ziegfeld Follies by Red Skelton using his J. Newton Numbskull character:

>Algy saw a bear,
The bear saw Algy,
The bear was bulgy,
The bulge was Algy!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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My ex wife had an insatiable appetite for knowledge

She was an info maniac

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hotsprings1234
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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Red Skelton's eye exam

To build up my spirits he said, โ€œNow, anything can affect your eye. Most anything. Like Iโ€™ve got one patient who lost an eye drinking coffee.โ€

I said, โ€œLost an eye drinking coffee?โ€

He said, โ€œYeah, he forgot to take the spoon out of the cup.โ€

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/red-skeltons-eye-exam/

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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The Sitter-Downers, starring the Three Stooges

[the Three Stooges pick names out of a hat, to determine who gets to marry which girl]
Larry (Larry Fine): I got Florabell!
Florabelle: Darling!
Moe (Moe Howard): I got Corabell!
Corabelle: Oh, Darling!
Curly (Curly Howard): I got Stetson! What one is she?

(from the Three Stooges short film, The Sitter-Downers)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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She's penny wise

Lou Costello: Thereโ€™s only one problem with our romance; Sheโ€™s penny wise.

Bud Abbott: Marilynโ€™s penny wise?

Lou Costello: Yeah, I ainโ€™t got a penny and sheโ€™s wise to it!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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Abbott and Costello talk about Lou's new dog

(From Abbott and Costelloโ€™sย radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if Iโ€™d have been wearing a license plate, heโ€™d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen โ€” in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother โ€” Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, Iโ€™m not talking about that. What is the dogโ€™s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, โ€ฆ
Lou Costello: Thatโ€™s it, Abbott! Heโ€™s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editorโ€™s note: we now call an โ€œiceboxโ€ a โ€œrefrigeratorโ€)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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Gertrude and Heathcliff see an airplane

Red Skelton: ย  Heathcliff and Gertrude are flying along when all of the sudden an airplane goes whizzing by .

Gertrude says to Heathcliff, ย€ยœGood heavens! Did you see how fast that bird was going? ย€ย

Heathcliff says, ย€ยœSo what? If your tail feathers were on fire, youโ€™d be going that fast too! ย€ย

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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President John Tyler may have been the father of the Dad Joke

Some Background Info

On March 4, 1841, William Henry Harrison became the 9th President of the United States, with John Tyler as his VP. Exactly one month later, Harrison died, leaving Tyler as the 10th President of the United States. Tyler was elected as a Whig, but chose many Democrats to work in his administration, and often made decisions in the Democratic favor. This made the Whig party angry, and while the Democrats liked some of his actions, they didn't love him. At the end of his presidency, the Whigs were not going to support reelection efforts, and the democrats just liked other people more. This earned him the nickname, "The President Without A Party."

The Dad Joke

At the very end of his presidency, Mrs. First Lady wanted to have celebration. She invited lots of people over, and they all had a good time on Tyler's lawn. Tyler stood on his balcony, looking over all the people have a joyous time when he announced, "Never again can anybody say that I was a president without a party!" and giggled his way into retirement.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cat_attack_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 17 2016
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Red Skelton on excercise

From comedian and film star ย Red Skelton:

โ€œExercise? I get it on the golf course.

When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics. โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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What's your forte?

From the Red Skelton radio show, with Red playing Bolivar Shagnasti, interviewing a new performer for his circus

Lady: Iโ€™m a performer.

Red Skelton: Whatโ€™s your forte?

Lady: Pardon?

Red Skelton: Your forte.

Lady: No, Iโ€™m only 39.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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Willie Lump Lump and the Mongoose

Many years ago, ย Red Skelton ย told the following joke using his inebriate character, Willie Lump Lump.

Willie explained to the young lady, โ€œI keep a mongoose in my coat pocket. ย  That way, when I go home after drinking, and there are snakes all over the lawn of my yard, I let the mongoose loose and he kills them all, so itโ€™s safe for me to enter the house.โ€

The young woman sadly tried to explain, โ€œIโ€™ve got news for you, Mr. Lump Lump, those snakes are imaginary!โ€

Willie Lump Lump replied, โ€œIโ€™ve got news for ย you, so is the mongoose!โ€

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/willie-lump-lump-and-the-mongoose/

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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You're 40, she's 10

Youโ€™re 40, sheโ€™s 10 โ€“ A classic ย Abbott and Costelloย skit, where ย Bud Abbottย tries to play a prank on ย Lou Costello, only for Lou to use his clownish math skills.

Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Youโ€™re 40 years old and youโ€™re in love with this little girl thatโ€™s 10 years old. Youโ€™re four times as old as that girl and you couldnโ€™t marry her, could you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Not unless I come from the mountains.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): All right- youโ€™re 40 years-old, youโ€™re four times as old as this girl, and you canโ€™t marry her, so you wait five years. By that time the little girlโ€™s 15 and youโ€™re 45. Youโ€™re only three times as old as that little girl. So you wait 15 years and when the girl is 30, youโ€™re at 60. Youโ€™re only twice as old as that little girl.
๐Ÿ“ท****Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Sheโ€™s catching up.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Yes, yes. Now hereโ€™s the question. How long do you have to wait until you and that little girl are the same age?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Now what kinda question is that? Thatโ€™s ridiculous!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Ridiculous or not, answer the question.
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): If I wait for that girl sheโ€™ll pass me up. Sheโ€™ll wind up older than I am.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): What are you talking about?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Sheโ€™ll have to wait for me!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Why should she wait for you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): โ€ฆI was nice enough to wait for her!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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Loan me 50 dollars

One of the classic ย Abbott and Costello ย routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. ย The skit ends with a simple โ€˜read my mindโ€™ routine that takes Louโ€™s last remaining bill. ย This routine was done ย many ย times, both in the movies and their radio show.

Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I canโ€™t. I canโ€™t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I canโ€™t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and youโ€™ll owe me 10 ย 
Lou Costello: Ok, Iโ€™ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: Thatโ€™s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: Thatโ€™s right. ย [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Donโ€™t change the subject.
Lou Costello: Iโ€™m not changing the subject; youโ€™re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, thereโ€™s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: Iโ€™m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I donโ€™t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: Thatโ€™s the way you feel about it, thatโ€™s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and youโ€™ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: Iโ€™m not running in, youโ€™re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I canโ€™t help it if you canโ€™t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, hereโ€™s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, wonโ€™t loan a pal $50.

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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