Like, when you're freezing, go and stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees there.
Nice touch.
Alaska question
[cetacean needed]
Man: Yikes! Whatโs The Cure?
Doctor: Whoa! Itโs worse than I thought.
Hi all, sorry for the unorthodox post, but i really need help coming up with a specific pun. You see, this girl called eve challenged me to think of a non-obvious pun for her name that is still good and so far the best i can think of is something to do with an apple(like out of the bible) any chance you could help out a brother in need? Any input welcome.
His spine.
(i meant into not info)
So I turned to my manager yesterday and said "We may not be able to have cell phones, but we can have SALE phones."
Note: This my first post here and not 100% sure if this is a dad joke. If it doesn't belong here, do inform me where I could post it. Many thanks!
I told her that she could sit if she wanted to.
I have a friend designing a website for a project and in the website it allows you to customize what you want in a meal so it can be added to your cart and shipped to you. On her site she will have a button that picks a random meal for you if you canโt decide.
So sheโs been trying to think of funny names to label this button. One idea she has was to label it โClick-Nom-Meโ. So Iโm not sure if this is the right sub to post in but any food/eating puns would be much appreciated!
Does it makes it a cellphone ?
I need a pun that has to do with either hands/arms/fingers + Cajun cuisine.
Really stumped on this one.
In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.
Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:
EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!
Also, thanks for the gold.
She is watching our wedding video again.
But no pun in ten did
My neighbour is dead against it.
European
When it fell, it was forever
"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
Half of them donโt work and the other half arenโt that bright.
Her: "Aww, look at these cute coasters!"
Me: "They'd be better if they had wheels."
Her: "Why?"
Me: "Because then they would be rollercoasters."
An attempted murder.
*A group of crows is called a murder.
A friend of mine collects info and puns about crows and told me this one.
I asked her if she'd seen the hard-to-find special season they made towards the end of the show's run.
She gave me a puzzled and intrigued look and wanted to know more info on it.
I told her I believe that specific season is commonly called 'Medium Rare'.
A classic ย Abbott and Costelloย routine, from their first movie, ย One Night in the Tropics, where ย Bud Abbottย shows that heโs not above running a quick scam on his friend, ย Lou Costello, in order to make a few dollars.
An actual dad joke from about an hour ago. He delivered it flawlessly.
My dad holds up the empty bread basket to the waiter and, with a serious face, says "this bread, we have naan."
I dunno what the dill is... details are sketchy. I relish any comments with more info about this incident.
Algy and the Bear, a poem recited in Ziegfeld Follies by Red Skelton using his J. Newton Numbskull character:
>Algy saw a bear,
The bear saw Algy,
The bear was bulgy,
The bulge was Algy!
I'm sitting at the dining room table with my mom just chatting about nothing in particular, when my dad walks with this shit eating grin holding something behind his back. Now for a little background info, my dad NEVER does surprises. And I mean never. So I immediately knew something was up. My mom turns around and asks him what's going on. He tells her to close her eyes and hold out her hands because he got her a surprise. At this point my mom gets really excited and asking, "what is it?! What is it?!" To which my dad replies,
"Do you remember when we went out the other day and you were looking at those new running shoes, but you decided not to get them because they were too expensive?"
To which she responds, "ahhhh! Yes I remember!!"
He then says, "well I saw how much you liked them so I decided to get you a pear."
And he puts a fresh pear in her hands.
She still won't talk to him.
She was an info maniac
To build up my spirits he said, โNow, anything can affect your eye. Most anything. Like Iโve got one patient who lost an eye drinking coffee.โ
I said, โLost an eye drinking coffee?โ
He said, โYeah, he forgot to take the spoon out of the cup.โ
http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/red-skeltons-eye-exam/
[the Three Stooges pick names out of a hat, to determine who gets to marry which girl]
Larry (Larry Fine): I got Florabell!
Florabelle: Darling!
Moe (Moe Howard): I got Corabell!
Corabelle: Oh, Darling!
Curly (Curly Howard): I got Stetson! What one is she?
(from the Three Stooges short film, The Sitter-Downers)
Lou Costello: Thereโs only one problem with our romance; Sheโs penny wise.
Bud Abbott: Marilynโs penny wise?
Lou Costello: Yeah, I ainโt got a penny and sheโs wise to it!
(From Abbott and Costelloโsย radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if Iโd have been wearing a license plate, heโd have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen โ in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother โ Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, Iโm not talking about that. What is the dogโs breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, โฆ
Lou Costello: Thatโs it, Abbott! Heโs a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editorโs note: we now call an โiceboxโ a โrefrigeratorโ)
Red Skelton: ย Heathcliff and Gertrude are flying along when all of the sudden an airplane goes whizzing by .
Gertrude says to Heathcliff, ยยGood heavens! Did you see how fast that bird was going? ยย
Heathcliff says, ยยSo what? If your tail feathers were on fire, youโd be going that fast too! ยย
From the Red Skelton radio show, with Red playing Bolivar Shagnasti, interviewing a new performer for his circus
Lady: Iโm a performer.
Red Skelton: Whatโs your forte?
Lady: Pardon?
Red Skelton: Your forte.
Lady: No, Iโm only 39.
From comedian and film star ย Red Skelton:
โExercise? I get it on the golf course.
When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics. โ
Many years ago, ย Red Skelton ย told the following joke using his inebriate character, Willie Lump Lump.
Willie explained to the young lady, โI keep a mongoose in my coat pocket. ย That way, when I go home after drinking, and there are snakes all over the lawn of my yard, I let the mongoose loose and he kills them all, so itโs safe for me to enter the house.โ
The young woman sadly tried to explain, โIโve got news for you, Mr. Lump Lump, those snakes are imaginary!โ
Willie Lump Lump replied, โIโve got news for ย you, so is the mongoose!โ
http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/willie-lump-lump-and-the-mongoose/
Youโre 40, sheโs 10 โ A classic ย Abbott and Costelloย skit, where ย Bud Abbottย tries to play a prank on ย Lou Costello, only for Lou to use his clownish math skills.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Youโre 40 years old and youโre in love with this little girl thatโs 10 years old. Youโre four times as old as that girl and you couldnโt marry her, could you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Not unless I come from the mountains.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): All right- youโre 40 years-old, youโre four times as old as this girl, and you canโt marry her, so you wait five years. By that time the little girlโs 15 and youโre 45. Youโre only three times as old as that little girl. So you wait 15 years and when the girl is 30, youโre at 60. Youโre only twice as old as that little girl.
๐ท****Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Sheโs catching up.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Yes, yes. Now hereโs the question. How long do you have to wait until you and that little girl are the same age?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Now what kinda question is that? Thatโs ridiculous!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Ridiculous or not, answer the question.
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): If I wait for that girl sheโll pass me up. Sheโll wind up older than I am.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): What are you talking about?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Sheโll have to wait for me!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Why should she wait for you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): โฆI was nice enough to wait for her!
One of the classic ย Abbott and Costello ย routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. ย The skit ends with a simple โread my mindโ routine that takes Louโs last remaining bill. ย This routine was done ย many ย times, both in the movies and their radio show.
Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I canโt. I canโt loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I canโt. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and youโll owe me 10 ย
Lou Costello: Ok, Iโll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: Thatโs right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: Thatโs right. ย [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Donโt change the subject.
Lou Costello: Iโm not changing the subject; youโre trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, thereโs your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: Iโm paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I donโt know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: Thatโs the way you feel about it, thatโs the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and youโll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: Iโm not running in, youโre pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I canโt help it if you canโt handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, hereโs your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, wonโt loan a pal $50.
