Inner Puns

... he was zen-ophobic!

is to buy one ply toilet paper

That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

He’s silent but violent

...And Einstein said it was all relatives.

(Not from me, from Josh Fonokalafi)

Thats the last time I'm using one ply toiletpaper

He was talking to his wife about it and his wife admonished him, saying "It's all that sitting around you do!". After some thought, the man took to the internet and posted all the seats in the house for sale on craigslist and similar sites. He posted the loveseat, the couch, their barstools, everything. It all sold pretty quickly, and once the last piece was gone, he proudly showed his wife what he'd done. Upset and dismayed at what he'd done, she turned to him tearfully and asked, "Did you find your inner peace now?!" He smiled and cupped her face in his hands, looking her in the eyes, and said,

"Hon, I've got not a chair in the world!"

It goes very deep

But now they're just super fit and hotter than ever

(You're entering the conversation when it really matters)

Me: Oh nice, so did you spend time watching the Olympics?

Friend: No, I don't really watch the olympics that much actually.

Me: Same here...I only watch it every four years...

I hope momjokes are welcome

When I was a teenager my aunt and her husband had to have their house fumigated and needed a place to stay for a weekend. My parents offered them my room and arranged a sleepover for me at my nephew's. As I was leaving the house I cheekily turn back and say to them : don't do anything in there I wouldn't do!

To which my mom promptly replied : honey, they're not going to clean your room

I was hanging out with my brother at his girlfriend's house today. I also need to mention she's the daughter of a pastor. She was feeding her pet bird some chicken when her dad walked in and scolded her for feeding meat to her bird. I said, "now hold up Pastor Hill, maybe this is what the bird should eat. After all, it is a bird of PRAY." I'm expecting a beard soon and all I wear now is cargo shorts and crocs.

We had put everything in the U-haul except pillows, blankets, and a couple of lamps. I grabbed the standing lamp in one hand and the desk lamp in the other and said to the moving party, "even though these are kinda bulky they are surprising light."

They responded with confused silence. After a moment my sister responded with, "ooohhhhh ha."

http://imgur.com/DspBxfM "I don't want to kale the mood, but sadly, my tomatoes didn't ketchup to yours. I think they bean squashed. Lettuce cue cumbersome thoughts so we can build courgettes! Bury them so they carrot in the ground: tuber or not to be, that is the question!"

Girlfriend: I just finished reading a really thick chapter of copyright law. Let me take a break It was really heavy.

Me: Do you need a lighter?

I got you covered my totally tubular friend.

That’s the last time I’m buying cheap toilet paper.

And that’s the last time I buy 1-ply toilet paper.

That’s the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.

I'm never buying cheap toilet paper again.