My friends and I usually try to make as many terrible dad jokes as humanly possible. Today I came up with two...

Firstly, the other day in my Swedish language class I was conversing flirtatiously with a chick whom I sit near. She had said how she wants to be a lawyer, and the word for lawyer is "advokat" in Swedish. So I said "ah so you want to be en advokat? Cool, but why not a normal cat?"

And then earlier today I said to an American friend of mine: "If Oregon had more of an Italian herbalist population, wouldn't it become Oregano?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KatsumotoKurier
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2015
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TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys

When they grow up, two of them becomes adult knees

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_obnoxious
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.

We don't have Oleg to stand on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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If you want to make easy money, just take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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What did the fish say to the human

"Nice to sea you"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hash-Hasho
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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My wife said, β€œI don’t quite understand the science behind human cloning.”

Me: That makes two of us.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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The Mama Roach asked "What will happen to us if that human sprays us with Raid?"

The Papa Roach replied "Suffocation. No breathing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SammDogg619
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Humans go through reincarnation. What do shoes go through?

A reboot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BatWaluigi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs?

Just 5 minutes more.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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Severed Human Nose Found

I live across from a lake and some fisherman found a severed human nose. The detective on the case asked if I know who it belongs to. I replied, "no body nose."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/headtattoo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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So I read a study the other day claiming that β€œhumans eat more bananas than monkeys”

Which to me sounded a bit obvious. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grandcanyon19
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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Introducing the fauna of the human body
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aj_seravla
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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If I discovered a new element that is slightly denser than the human body.

I would name it hooman, so people could ask are we hooman or are we denser?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/losersmanual
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.

I wanted to become a fun guy.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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Ridiculously photogenic humans (Credit: how.how)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetropolisCourier
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius...

But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Did you hear about the human cannon-ball?

He was fired recently.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stormbreaker636
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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If humans were trees, how deep would the roots be ?

Two feet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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I have a human DNA joke

It’s pretty long. It comes in 46 parts. Also, everyone tells the joke differently, but usually family members tell pretty much the same joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josentangles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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What do Demons store human souls in?

Sufferware

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuizzicalQuandary
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??

An Optical Aleutian

I’ll see myself out...

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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I've just been offered a job as a human chess piece...

The money is good.

I'm on knights this week.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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Oh the humanity
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Atalkingpizzabox
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He orders a drink, and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

Edit: Thanks guys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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Which is the funniest bone in the human body?

Humerus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KemalKinali
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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How many bones are in a human hand?

A handful.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/416b
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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How are humans like snowflakes?

It's hard to drive when too many of them get piled up on the roads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fastballcount
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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What do you call the time period between the Bronze and Iron Ages where humans learned to cure meat?

The Sausages.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiltebeest
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Whats the difference between a human and an animal?

You can legally put down one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingxjulian0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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I think the flu is tired of humans

He said "I'm sick of you all"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gahgjajrng
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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Today I don't have a dad joke for you. I have a dad fact. Did you know humans eat more seeds than birds?

It's true! When was the last time you ate a bird?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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How many bones are in a human body?

Hopefully, all of them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/patty4204
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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We are doing a jigsaw puzzle of the human anatomy, and I hid the upper arm.

Nobody else finds this humerus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedrabies
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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Kissing someone is human version of accepting germs and conditions
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TickleLife
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Did you hear about the human cannonball? Too bad he got fired!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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So if GOAT stands for "Greatest of all time" what does HUMAN stand for?

Anything that they don't want to sit or lay down for

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πŸ‘€︎ u/burnerphonedotexe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys

When they grow up, two of them becomes adult knees

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_obnoxious
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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My friend hit it big taking pictures of salmon in human clothes.

He said it was like shooting fish in apparel.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MagicGuy66
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomguy6282
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs...

"Just 5 minutes more "

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
So, I read a study the other day claiming that "humans eat more bananas than monkeys".

Which - to me - sounded a bit obvious. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yupitsnoone
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has broke his back.

We didn’t have Oleg to stand on.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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LPT: A quick and easy way to make money is to take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is getting rich by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
If you want to make easy money, just take photographs of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

πŸ‘︎ 114
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report

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