FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
I was walking home when I accidentally fell into a glasses making machine.
I was really embarrassed because I made a spectacle of myself.
I got home from work angry and tired, so I asked my wife if she could make turkey and duck for dinner.
Once the home intruder entered our bedroom, my wife grabbed a bottle of perfume and hit him on the head.
She thought that might knock some scents into him.
What kind of floors do Ghosts prefer in their homes?
Bam-Boo floors.
Happy Halloween to all!
Strippers don’t have ACs in their homes
Why did the man get sent back to his home country for following his high school girlfriends life rules?
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Ever since I started working from home, I've realized that one of my coworkers is a real bitch...
But that's okay, I love working with my dog.
This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?
He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said “That’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”
How much does a nursing home weigh?
Waiting for my girlfriend to get home
I told the dentist my teeth were hurting so he told me to go home and drink some Whiskey
After I joined the army, I served in a furious war of Iraq , when we came home, I was sent to jail, I don't understand why......
My lieutenant said , fire in the hole and I fired In his hole .
I met a creepy guy who forced me to take home a bunch of horses with swords in their mouths.
This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project you’re working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!
It's a 5 minute walk to the bar, but a 35 minute walk home.
The difference is staggering.
My son came home and said “Dad, I broke my arm in 12 places.”
So I said, “Well, stop going to those places then!”
Little boy doing his home work shouts to his dad. Where are the Andes dad?
The boys father says straight away:-
Ask your mum she puts everything away.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought to myself, “The streets seem strangely desserted…”
I just returned home from a trip to eastern Asia.
I was passed by a truck full of donkeys on my way home
It was really hauling ass
When I came home today my wife had some Little Debbie Zerbra Cakes on the counter. I pick one up and say "A Zebra Cake?"
"Don't mind if I Zoo."
She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.
Totally worth it.
After a long day I want to take a dump as soon as I get home, but it's not my first order of business.
So im about ten years old walking home from school with my mates..
When a chap in a van pulls up gets out and says there is a new leather sette and a leather chair in the van you can have it free of charge.
We decided to take it to our house.
I told my dad expecting him to be pleased.
Instead he came over and clipped my ear with the back of his hand.
Crying i said what was that for.
My dad said How many times do i have to tell you.
DONT TAKE SUITES OFF STRANGERS!
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
My wife asked me why I insist on measuring our bookshelf when I get home from a night of drinking.
How else am I going to keep my stories straight.
If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly
Because communication is key
What happened to the cloud when he came home from the party?
His parents gave him an airful.
In my my neighbor's home, their huge dog frequently sleeps at the landing at the top of their tall staircase causing a possible tripping hazard. Good advice to them....
Persons in their household should watch their steps, particularly early risers.
Jeffery Dahmer invites me to his home
He said “I could make you dinner!”
Coming home from apple picking this morning, my wife saw a sign from a Jewelry store that read, "Watches 20% off."
Wife, "Wow, watches 20% off. That's not a bad deal."
Me, "Ehh, I'd rather they tell the correct time."
WHY DOES IT STINK IN PENNYWISE'S HOME TOWN?
Because of the Derry Air...
My 15 year old just came up with this one....be kind.
I have a friend who owns a yachting business, but had to work from home due to the pandemic...
Now his sails are through the roof.
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain
Due to all the indoor fins.
I travel all over the world and I'm regular, then I come home and suddenly I'm incontinent.
To my dirty English teacher whose home I walked through...
There was a lot of literature house.
I got home from work and our parrot said, "Don't tell my husband", which I thought was rather suspicious.
So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.
I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."
I still did not get a proper clock for home.
Because it is not time yet.
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen
Frankenstein’s monster was watching porn on his laptop when his wife came home. She didn’t find out because luckily...
He hid the Mac. He hid the monster Mac.
I tripped over a box of Kleenex when coming home, needing an ER visit!
Don't worry--it's only tissue damage...
When I came home from my first day at my new job my wife asked me what my new schedule was like. I said it looks like Rihanna...
...because all I can see is work, work, work, work, work...
A wife came home and finds her husband sitting in front of a game of chess....
...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.
She asks: "What are you doing?"
He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."
"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"
"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"
So this cannibal came home late for dinner
So his wife gave him the cold shoulder
What food should you never give to two fiancées who ran away from home together?
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
Did you hear about the architect who only designed chimney-less homes?
If I had my own funeral home...
People would be dying to get in.
My girlfriend and I bought a new mattress. When we got home and set it up, we were unsure about whether or not it would be comfortable enough.
She said, “Let’s sleep on it.”
How did the thief get home from the Chinese restaurant?
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
My wife brought home a parakeet yesterday. When she comes home, she’s in for a surprise because ...
Toucan play at this game.
So I went to my room and saw 10 ants scrambling around, I felt bad so I decided to build them a home.
It takes 10 minutes to walk to the bar, and an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
Blew a bike tire on my way home. Had to push it the rest of the way.
Did you hear about the man who lost his home and had to live on the streets?
How do salmon keep people out of their homes?
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
My daughter just came home from camp with food poisoning...
... I guess you could call her a Hurl Scout.
Which superhero has the most home runs
My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...
"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"
What do you call a homing pigeon that can’t find its way home?
I was taking my children on a tour of the largest territory in Canada, but they kept acting up so I turned around and went home.
My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!
My wife and I are having movie nights at home now, and making our own popcorn and drinks.
It's not easy, but these days we all have to make concessions.
As a doctor, whenever I hear someone crying from the waiting room that they want to get a lollipop and go home, I think to myself
They must be a little patient.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Started a business building Yachts at home during the Lockdown..
..and the Sails have gone through the roof.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
The midwife asked my pregnant wife and I if we would like the baby to be delivered at home.
I said that we'd prefer that the baby kept its liver intact, thanks.
I got home from work and sat down for dinner with my parents. "Wow, haddock for dinner?"
Dad responds "So I take it you haddock-good day?"
(Note: This actually happened today.)
A Viking explorer came home to find his name removed from the town register. When his wife complained, the chief apologized and said,
“I must have taken Lief off my census”.
Came home with all purpose flour. My wife asked why I didn’t get bread flour.
I told her there wasn’t any, in these times bakers can’t be choosers.
With everyone staying at home, Papa Murphy’s..
must be making some dough..
In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chef’s squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.
I guess you could say Remy is Linguini’s voice of season
Did you hear about the French stately home that fell into disrepair?
It's a château of its former self.
The last one from home? Hopefully.
My colleague got sick and was sent home from work.
I don’t know how you guys get home every night but, I squat down, put my head between my knees and fall forward.
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