Believe it or not, my wife appreciates my input when we go shopping for decorations...
...the one thing I actually look forward to when we go to Hobby Lobby is the moment we're walking through the store, I try to keep a perfectly straight face and act like I have a genuine interest in something on the shelf, I reach up and I say something like, "Oh, look at this nice little Stool sample!"
(Not really a joke, but a true dad joke recurring scenario of mine)
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Sign at NASA Cafeteria:. We are go for Lunch
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︎ Dec 18 2020
When I go shopping for brow pencils, I never know what I want
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︎ Nov 27 2020
Trump canโt go to white house anymore coz itโs for-biden
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︎ Nov 05 2020
Why's it hard for Americans to go to Canadian colleges?
Because... you must graduate High School with all Eh's.
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︎ Nov 08 2020
It should be illegal for London to go into lockdown over Christmas!
...That's capital punishment!
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︎ Dec 14 2020
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
๐︎ 107
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︎ Sep 20 2020
The prosecutor offered the ballet dancer two choices after she did not pay her mountain of parking tickets. A) Say guilty, pay them off, and get probation for 6 months or B) Say Not Guilty and go to trial and perhaps serve 6 months in jail.
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︎ Nov 26 2020
I told my son to go to the hardware store for 2 specific awls
"Go in there and get me 2 sorb awls"
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︎ Dec 02 2020
A peasant's wife told him to go get milk for the baby. Dutifully, he went to the market with the baby and brought home a hefty jug of milk. "You've forgotten the baby!" she exclaimed.
"No I haven't... I got milk for the baby!"
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︎ Nov 18 2020
I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."
Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"
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︎ Nov 15 2020
Where do sheep go for a haircut?
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︎ Oct 27 2020
The bear couldn't decide whether to go north or south for the winter
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︎ Nov 24 2020
Where do you insects go for employment and food?
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︎ Nov 02 2020
Burt: Ernie, should we go out for ice cream?
Ernie: Sherbert
EDIT: Wow, I'm amazed at the upvotes.. Totally made my day. I came up with this yesterday while staring at bees pollinating our flowers. Random.
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︎ Jul 11 2020
When my kid graduates high school I want him to go to Indiana for college.
Then I can have a โHoosier Daddyโ bumper sticker.
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︎ Oct 07 2020
Theres 3.3 million people in here so I figured id go ahead and post that im looking for one night stand.
Matter of fact, make it 2. I need one for each lamp.
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︎ Oct 27 2020
Two blokes go for a job. Before they can get the job they are asked some questions.
One said to the other i wont get the job i not good at questions.
Dont worry said the other i go in first and i will tell you the answers?
So he goes in the boss said to him; If i poke you in the left eye what would happen.
I would go half blind.
If i poke you right eye what would happen.
I would go fully blind.
Congratulations you have got the job. Send the other candidate in.
As the other candidate was going in the he said the answers are Half blind and Fully blind.
Thanks mate and goes to see the boss.
Right said the boss if i cut your ear off what would happen.
I would go half blind.
Okay said the boss if i cut your other ear off what would happen.
I would go fully blind.
The boss looks puzzled and said how do you make that out.
He said thats obvious.
My cap would fall over my eyes!!
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︎ Oct 02 2020
Crows are very intelligent birds, they even go out for drinks from time to time.
๐︎ 5
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︎ Sep 25 2020
I feel sorry for basketball players who can't go on vacation
Because they can't Travel.
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︎ Oct 14 2020
Where do you go for a peek-a-boo injury?
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︎ Aug 05 2020
There are rumors that Tesla is considering on a stretched, three row version of their Model X SUV. The project is on Musk's desk waiting for a decision on whether to go forward.
Their next car is Elon gated.
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︎ Sep 10 2020
When I go for a walk with my best friend, he canโt help but stop and pet every animal he sees. He just thinks theyโre so adorable!
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︎ Sep 17 2020
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
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︎ Aug 02 2019
My wife insists that I go with her whenever she shops for igneous rock containing quartz and feldspar.
Sometimes I think she takes me for granite.
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︎ Jun 29 2020
Whenever we go to a buffet, I always ask my wife to get my food for me.
I just can't help myself.
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︎ Aug 14 2020
Iโve been wanting to go ice skating for a while. My friends bought me a pair of skates recently, but they broke on the first use!
If you ask me, theyโre cheapskates.
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︎ Jun 20 2020
Where did two typists go for a drink?
๐︎ 3
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︎ Aug 18 2020
Where do aliens go for a drink?
๐︎ 5
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︎ Aug 13 2020
Where does Tinkerbell go for new shoes?
๐︎ 5
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︎ Aug 12 2020
They say to never go shopping for food when youโre hungry...
Itโs been a week already and I'm just getting hungrier and hungrier.
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︎ Aug 11 2020
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
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︎ Jul 28 2020
What do bees go to college for?
๐︎ 10
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︎ May 23 2020
I really want to go looking for my lost watch.
I just haven't found the time.
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︎ Jun 15 2020
"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers."
Said the city's most hated cab driver.
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︎ May 28 2020
I was pulled over with my son in the car for speeding. Got a ticket. Then the officer said Iโm free to go.
I replied โactually it cost me about $80โ
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︎ Jul 15 2020
If we can go to the gym for body building
Why can't we go to the hospital for anti body building?
๐︎ 8
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︎ Jul 08 2020
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado.
(My 8 year old just made it up)
Edit: Thank you for the gilding, she's super happy about this all. You folks are too kind.
๐︎ 11k
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︎ Feb 10 2019
How do you know when it is time for cows to go to sleep?
When itโs pasture bedtime.
๐︎ 15
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︎ Jun 24 2020
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
๐︎ 4
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︎ Jun 20 2020
โชI canโt go out to buy drapes for my windows...โฌ
โชThese are uncurtain timesโฌ
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︎ Apr 11 2020
My name is Aaron. My son's name is Aaron too. Every morning, we go for a jog together.
When my wife asks where we went, I tell her we were just running Aarons.
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︎ Apr 02 2020
Plant-based meats are very popular now, but this didn't go well for vampires.
Thousands have died from a wooden steak.
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︎ Jul 16 2020
Where do crows go for a drink
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︎ Aug 19 2020
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