Go On Puns

He’s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

I can't believe it's not better.

Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"

Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*

Me: "Well played."

Viagra falls.

A License to Chill

Boo!dapest

Alpaca bag now.

The golf coast.

“Yes” “Oui” “Sí” “Ja”

Air Bee n Bee

Hamster-dam.

“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”

No, the steaks are too high!

Germany

Because they can't Travel.

Because he wanted to Rome

Edit: fixed typo

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

A cowabungalow

I told her she’d be booked for resisting a rest.

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

Their next car is Elon gated.

But there’s too much on my plate.

My son replied, “Why would I lie to August? That’s not nice.”

I got dad-schooled.

vaxation.

But it was for the grater good

"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"

If you ask me, they’re cheapskates.

Polynesia

They're always booked.

Because what’s the chance of being 2 bombs on 1 flight?

Because he was a Star-Skiin' Hutch.

He said it with a straight face

Isle weight.

He was made from 100% American copper.

The Bahama-cides

Me: “No, you’ll break it.”

You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.

You'd think they were used to being stuck home

Keemotherapy.

"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."

I don't ride fruits. Sorry.

“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”