My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in. My 7yr old daughter just told me this, so proud!
I posted something on here the other day and didn’t get a single upvote
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days
I said it must be my weekend immune system
My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.
She is infringing on my right to bear arms.
How do you get a Pokémon on a bus?
You poke em on! Am I relevant yet?
I was starting to get worried about my Karma points on Reddit...
But getting over it was a piece of cake.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
What do you get if Godzilla steps on a bar?
Hippie gets 3 months late on rent...So the landlord knocks on his door to let him know he’s being evicted
He opens the door and tells him “Namaste”.
Why doesn't a schizophrenic get scared on watching a horror movie?
He knows that he is not alone.
My buddy Jerry had to get taken to the hospital, unfortunately it looked like he needed to be operated on. He was unconscious and when he came to, he asked “what’s going to happen, am I going to be alright?”
First, I posted this on r/jokes but it didn't get much love. Then I realized I posted it on the wrong joke sub. Y'all love the punny jokes, so here you go:
Why are lamb chops a thing? Why do we have a food named after a baby animal?
Would you ever eat something called puppy steak? Or kitten burger? Or chick fillet?
oh wait.........
Credit goes to Matt from Studio C
If there is one genre of music that raises me up on some days and gets me down other days
What do you get when you hit a duck on the freeway?
A quack in the windscreen.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic on the Titanic?
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
Get in a pun battle with me, and I’ll have to put on my...
Why did Rudolph get put on scholastic probation?
I went to the Med school library to get a book on abdominal pain
Someone had already ripped the appendix out.
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed...
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
I finally came up with a plan to get rid of the ice on my driveway
I have it all thawed out.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
Two antennas meet on a rooftop and decided to get married
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Why did the kid get a virus on his computer?
A Vulture is about to get on a plane.
Do you have any baggage to declare?
No thanks, just carrion.
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes on your cake day?
Fat, you get fat!! You thought you’d get a pi joke on my cake day?!!
My 8yo daughter made me proud and came up with this: I don't get why pirates go around on boats...
They should be in the arrrrmy
2018: « Yo, dude, get woke. » 2019: « C'me on, get woke, it's 2019 ! » 2020: «... Hi. Well you could get e-woke I guess. »
How did the tree get on the coumputer
Why did the lion get his hair cut on his way to the Chinese restaurant?
Because he wanted a Lo Mein
What did the horse get on his blood test
My mathematician friend wants to get a tattoo of Pi on his face.
I said, “That’s irrational.”
A lot of people on Reddit seem to have a problem with vegans, but I don’t get it.
I have never had a beef with one.
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?
What do you say to a police officer when he gets on your boat?
Police put on your life vest!
(This is a joke I made up at the age of 6 while on a boat!)
My boss asked why I only get sick on work days
I said it must be my weekend immune system
What do you get if you cross the Atlantic on the Titanic ?
I get sick on work days only
Because I have a weekend immune system
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?
My wife said that if I don't get off the computer she'll slam my head on the keyboard...
...but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic on the Titanic?
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