I was going to the moon on vacation and I read it gets to -280 degrees at night,
I might need a space heater.
What's it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
When I get sad, I like to get on an elevator. I find it very uplifting.
When the cast of Friends goes out on a boat, why does Phoebe always get put in charge of propulsion?
Because Lisa Kudrow (could row).
I just made that up yesterday at work after greeting a colleague with the same first name. Its original to me but feels obvious enough that I'm sure I'm not the first to think of it, especially after 20 years.
I made some ideas into images to put on to phone cases. This is my favourite - Get Off Your High Horse
Never ever get on a plane if the pilot is Dutch...
He'll take off and Netherland.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...
but it does give me paws.
Why couldn't the computer get to work on time?
How do you get pikachu on a bus?
I'm on the fence about the COVID-19 vaccine, but the free stuff you can get for showing your vaccination card looks really nice.
I guess it's worth a shot.
Did you know that you can actually get just as drunk on water...
sips water
...as you can on land
You don't want to get on a tree's bad side.
Every morning, my neighbour gets on his tractor and starts yelling “The end is near!”
I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
I posted something on here the other day and didn’t get a single upvote
Why can't the bike ever get up on time?
I get most of my news as a cream that I rub on my skin
My buddy keeps asking me to blow cool air on him when he gets hot, and I don’t like it.
What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days
I said it must be my weekend immune system
My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.
She is infringing on my right to bear arms.
My wife and I decided to get matching ink on vacation, so I got a tat
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in. My 7yr old daughter just told me this, so proud!
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a "Get better soon" card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn't sick.
She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."
Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
What is it called when you get a discount on explosives?
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
Best way to get Pikachu on the bus?
Me and my jug of water get on well.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
My dad always says he only gets drunk on two beers...
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
What grade did St. Valentine get on his exam?
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
On what type of plate does Dracula get his blood soup served on?
I'm starting to get sick of driving on icy roads.
Up until now I was willing to let it slide.
I was starting to get worried about my Karma points on Reddit...
But getting over it was a piece of cake.
What's the best way to get on your feet?
Kid: Why do you stand on one leg while you get money out of the ATM?
Dad: I’m checking my balance.
How do you get a Pokémon on a bus?
You poke em on! Am I relevant yet?
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
Get in a pun battle with me, and I’ll have to put on my...
What do you get if Godzilla steps on a bar?
A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.
The friend says "hey, is he yours?"
The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."
His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"
"No. I think he speaks porch geese."
How do you get pikachu on a bus?
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