There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.

It's a faux pa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"

So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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There used to be a cat on Mars...

But then... Curiousity killed the cat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/av1dmage
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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Why won’t Trump be able enter the White House on January 21st?

It’s forbiden

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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The folks who live in my town aren’t allowed to be buried in the old cemetery on the edge of town.

Mostly because they’re not dead yet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Panthropoly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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If a friend left you 12 bottles of wine on your doorstep, would you be extremely....

Grapeful.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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NASA scientists say it may be possible to live on Mars.

What a load of rubbish, I tried it and now I'm five stones heavier and diabetic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PanixATK
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I reassured him, "Don't be silly!"

"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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NASA put a watch around a potted plant and sent it on a rocket to the sun. I said to my Daughter, "don't worry, it will be ok.."

"a watched pot never boils"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevographic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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Saw this on r/unexpected, thought it was funny so here we are :) I’ll be sure to add the link to the OG post in the comments incase you wanna see it
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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They're gonna sell corn on the cob at the Super Bowl, and it's rumored to be cheap.

Only a...buck an ear?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...

If they survive, the vaccine is safe.

If they don't, the country is safe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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SpaceX's rocket was designed to be as wide as it could be and still be transported on the roads.

So when the boss wanted to make it larger, they had to elongate it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/15_Redstones
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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My buddy Jerry had to get taken to the hospital, unfortunately it looked like he needed to be operated on. He was unconscious and when he came to, he asked β€œwhat’s going to happen, am I going to be alright?”

I told him; β€˜Surgery’.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BostonFan69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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A girl on Tinder told me she wanted to be friends with benefits.

But I don't have health insurance or a retirement plan so I told her I couldn't.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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People on Tinder must be terrible at basketball.

Everyone on there says they love traveling.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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Why shouldn't puns be written down on paper?

because they would then be tearable.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Once you start spreading lube on a child's slide, you won't be able to stop.

It's a slippery slope.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twowheeledfun
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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I'm going to be working on my next dadjoke over the next few days. In the meantime, I'll keep u posted.

u

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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Be very careful out on the streets...

Because yesterday at around 7:30 pm a clown who was wearing a colourful sweatshirt, pulled out a pair of scissors and stared at me. Luckily I had enough agility and I pulled out a rock, because if I would have pulled out a paper, he would have won

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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We should have known this year was gonna suck. We were never gonna end the year as winners. The writing was on the wall. At the end of the year, we should have known we'd be facing the truth-

2021

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krigito
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.

I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iambaney
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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A Catholic priest will always be a Catholic until he goes on a pilgrimage....

...then He becomes a Roamin' Catholic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Spongebob Squarepants may be the main character on the show..

But Patrick is the star.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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It’s going to be dress like a Jamaican day on Monday

I’m already dreading it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ventanaman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Migratory birds can be fascinating. You often see them fly in "V" formation across the sky. On occasion you see that one side is longer than the other. It's a simple scientific explanation really.

There just happens to be more birds on that side.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrscottib23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnew001
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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I have a feeling thistle be going on for hours...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjriddick
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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Just found this store by chance called Ollie’s. Aside from all the great liquidation sales, the walls are a pun gold mine! I felt it be a crime not to post pictures of it on here. reddit.com/gallery/iij3ts
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KORZILLA-is-me
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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On my death bed I’l request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say β€˜may he rest in pees’
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Auditoriums are specially designed so that sound will bounce around the walls and ceiling in order to be projected to the audience. However, if you place a pigeon on the stage, the coo of said pigeon will not bounce.

This is because of a-coo-sticks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nebulas-Entity
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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I pack a soda in my bag everyday but it HAS to be on top.

Wouldn’t want it to get flat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cris0613
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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I am driving through England on a road trip, and I’m supposed to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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When a girl makes stupid decisions when she's turned on, can it be called clitical thinking?πŸ€”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nexushead
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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Just figured I’d announce that I’ll be doing a theatrical performance on puns later this week.

It’s a play on words.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VictorHelios1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, β€œwhy is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!

True dad that man!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunny_2121
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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Would On/Off in India be called Sari/Not Sari?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Packa7x
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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There was a locked metal box at an auction. The auctioneer said it was from the 1920’s and owned by really wealthy man. There could’ve been some really valuable stuff in it or it could just be empty. I didn’t want to bid anymore than $100 on it.

I thought it was a safe bet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schutwo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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I got a new tattoo because I wanted my friends to be able to count on me.

It read: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

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πŸ‘€︎ u/randomredditor512
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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Our local cult just started praying for a reservoir to be created on the river running through their compound

God Damnit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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I asked my kids when they wanted to go on vacation. I asked β€œWould July to August be okay?”

My son replied, β€œWhy would I lie to August? That’s not nice.”

I got dad-schooled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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If you’re ever trying to do something unexpected, don’t steal someone’s abacus. They’ll be counting on that.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OverSpeedClutch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Be careful on the road, my friends!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eijensama
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...

I was ready and wading!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.

That way you will start the new year off on the right foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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The vaccine should be tested on politicians first

If they survive the vaccine is safe but if they don't the country is safe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gamerxbykabil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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