"That shit is getting old," I told him.
PS: Do I get any extra credit if this is a real story?
Because William Shatner
It's an anti-septic.
I don’t want to see that shit
Because it was his duty.
The times they are a chain gin.
Now it's clogged.
It’ll just come back to bite you.
It's plumb crazy, but I have pipe dreams!
Because it was his doody!
He doesn't, he scares the living shit out of it
Shit goes down
a whole lotta gang shit
Because a flush always beats a pair.
It was a clog.
Urine.
It was a #2!
"There's some shit going down in here!"
That must be a shitty phobia to have
Me: I replaced the handle on the toilet today!
Teenager: (Sarcastic) And aren't you proud of it?
Me: Flushed with success.
We had a friend in town this weekend whose flight was this afternoon, so she was staying at the house for a while after my wife and I left for work. About halfway through my commute I was overtaken by a terrible sense of dread and panic that I forgotten to flush the toilet and our friend was going to come face to face with a semi-fresh dookie when she went to the restroom.
I was so mortified at this that I preemptively texted her to warn her and requested that she please, for both our sake's, flush the toilet prior to lifting the lid. We may never know whether I needed to send that text-- it was a real Schrodinger Scat situation.
This is sort of a TIFU, but I have no idea if I actually did and I'm not sure she would have the heart to tell me anyway.
Me: "So you can use any of my soap or shampoo you find in the shower. I set a clean towel on the counter for you and pushed the stool under the sink so you won't trip over it."
Boyfriend: "I mean, I'd prefer if you flushed any stool down the toilet before I shower, but as long as I don't trip on it I guess we're okay."
For all of my life, my brain has played a soundtrack. At all times, in all places, I hear music going through my head, from the moment I awaken in the morning until I go to sleep at night. I can only shut it off by listening to other music, watching a movie, etc. but it soon starts up again once the outside source of stimulus is removed.
Yesterday I was travelling. When I visited the restroom prior to boarding my flight, the the music in my head suddenly switched tracks from "I've Been Everywhere Man" (that got really old after the first hour. Oy!) to "Africa" by Toto. "That's odd", I thought to myself, "the music in my head usually doesn't switch tracks unless something has changed around me." I finished my business, cleaned up, stood up, and turned around to flush.
Then I saw it. There, emblazoned on the porcelain, was the word "TOTO". The manufacturer of the toilet. "Nice job, brain, funny, hah-hah," I thought to myself.
The song in my head came to an abrupt halt. Silence, for just one moment. Blessed silence. Rare for me. Then I realized. My brain was giving me time to digest the previous joke. Waiting for me to think I'd arrived at the punch line. Pausing for a beat before it delivered the next one. "Africa" started over again, telling me exactly why the DJ deciding songs in my head had picked this exact moment, this exquisite situation, this exact set of circumstances to deliver the internal Dad Joke of the year:
"Doodoo doo-doo doodoo do dooooooooo...."
A plane takes off from an airport in a diagonal ascent for 8km. 5km from the liftoff point a passenger flushes a turd down the toilet. Right then a farmer with a pair if binoculars watching the plane from directly underneath the aircraft sees the turd jettisoned, and exclaims. That's a high pot in use!
With most 8 year olds, they forget to do normal things due to their attention span.
Yesterday was no exception.
After she took a shower I went into the bathroom and noticed she left her towel on the floor and also noticed, to my own disgust, that she forgot to flush the toilet which still had a fresh "brownie" inside.
I went over to her and this conversation went down.
Me: "Hey dear, can you go to the bathroom and pick up your towel and flush the toilet, please?"
Her: "Oh yea! Sorry, I totally forgot!"
Me: "You mean you TURD-ally forgot!"
Me: "Dad, the toilet won't flush again"
Dad: "Ahh.. its such a shitty toilet"
He is right though.
I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet.
Now it's clogged. :D
