Figure 8 Puns

My 10yo son always asks for ice water with his meals. The past few weeks he's told me to put exactly eight ice cubes in his glass. I went with it because he can be very peculiar about certain things, and I just figured he had decided it was the perfect amount of ice.

Today he again asked me for water with eight ice cubes, but as I was getting it he said "I bet you're glad that in two days, I'll stop asking for eight ice cubes." To which I asked "why not?" And he said... "Because it won't be Octo-brrrrrrrrr anymore!"

But they should be called “Father Figures”!

2pée

[Just thought of this while driving and figured it was lame enough to post here. Proud of it.]

Need a witty & maybe punny bio for my bartender page that says a little about me in a clever way and I’m STUCK. Figured this is my favorite page on here so I’d ask because you guys kill me. I know this isn’t a typical post but:

I want it to essentially say that I’m a single mom & I’m a craft bartender. I am stuck. The single part doesn’t have to be in there I just figured if it can then why not. All input appreciated!!!

“No, I need it WINTER-IZE!…never mind! I’ll figure it out myself!”

Only one, but it took several light bulbs and several months to get it done because the ADDer.....

Paid for the lightbulb then left it in the shop on the counter.

Dropped another light bulb out of a hole in his/her shopping bag didn't notice and ran over it with a truck.

Bought the wrong sort of lightbulb because s/he couldn't be bothered checking which sort of light bulb was needed cause that's boring.

Left the light bulb under a pile of clothes for several weeks before s/he got around to trying to put it up.

Couldn't remember who s/he gave the ladder too so decided they had to go buy another.

Took the old light bulb down put it on the floor next to the new light bulb got distracted by an idea in his/her head.

Ran to get notebook to write idea down idea forgot about light bulb for an hour as other thoughts came to mind, remembered lightbulb couldn't figure out which was the old light bulb and which was the new light bulb

AARRRRRRRRRRRRRG Who invented such an inhuman thing as a light bulb

They’re always in tiers.

(Figured a cake joke for my cake day was appropriate)

A figure of speech.

I prefer to call it a Father Figure

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

We’ve been in a bad joke email war for some time now. It’s been so long, I don’t remember how it started. It may have happened when I moved out after staying with him and my mom for a while.

Long story short: I’ve got a lot of dad jokes to share with y’all, because we are constantly sending “dad jokes” to each other. And I have hundreds of jokes that are LITERALLY from my dad.

All the best jokes? They are headed your way!

Here’s some to get you started. I am copying and pasting them exactly as he writes in the email so you can get the full “dad” effect. He’s 72.

Everyone who can, take a moment out of your day to call your dad.

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the male pumpkin told the female pumpkin ................you look gourdish today boo me love dad

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Exaggeration is a billion times better than understatement..........................love, dad

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Is it true that if you teach a wolf to meditate it becomes an "aware wolf" ?

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If swimming is good for your figure how do you explain whales?

Bad aina, I almost didn't send it.......................................Love dad

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Have a good night everyone, and see you soon!

He decides to break out during the day, figuring the guards will not suspect this. As he breaks through the ground to the surface, he finds himself in a preschool playground. He is surprised, but he rejoices anyway, shouting, "I'm free, I'm free!" At this a little girl approaches him, puts her hand on her hip, and says, "big deal! I'm four!"

I say father figure

Ehh, I’ll figure it out tomorrow.

OK, when my first kid became cognizant, about two years old, I would wait until I could see the street light was going to turn green, just blow at it, and it would turn green. I never said a word. I would just do it.

After doing this for about a year or so, my daughter caught on and could not figure out how I was doing this.

She finally asked me, "Daddy Magic", of course.

She is now 31, and she still blows at street lights.

That is the real Daddy Magic.

The Illumi-not-tree

I had seen a sign locally for Illuminating Tree Service (or something like that), turned to my wife and said, "They really missed an opportunity to call themselves 'The Illumi-not-tree'". One eye roll from my wife and far more laughing than necessary on my part, I figured I should share it with you all.

Have a good day all.

My birthday is today (Sept. 2) my dad’s birthday was Sept. 1. Me: “Hey dad, I bet I was an awesome birthday present” Dad: “Not bad, but you were a better New Years Eve present.”

Took me a while to figure out pregnancy lasts about 9 months.

The bartender asks what they'd like.

The executive of Miller orders a Miller Lite, so the bartender gives it to him. The executive of Bud orders a Bud Light, and he's given one. The bartender looks at the CEO of Guinness, and he asks for a Coke. The bartender, bewildered, hands him the Coke and asks why he didn't order a Guinness. In reply, he said,

"I figured if those two weren't drinking beer, then neither would I!"

Eh, we'll figure it out later.

.

His burial was delayed two weeks because they couldn’t figure out how to put his coffin together.

I guess you could say that he's a real arrowsmith now.

Edit: yes while I realize that the Arrowsmith were the ones who forged the arrowheads, I also figured that enough people in olden days were both Arrowsmiths and fletchers that it's entirely possible that it could have been one and the same.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.” The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks." In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is

The saxophonist left. Soon after, he returned, carrying a man wearing a pair of high end headphones.
”What in the WORLD are you doing with that poor man?” His teacher cried.
The saxophonist looked taken aback. ”You said I needed to make my music sound smoother.”
”So…?”
”I figured we would need an audiophile for that.”

If I figure out how to get a Ghast into my rowboat, would that make me a Ghast-row-enter-ologist?

Tommy hill-figure

I had some trouble identifying the fish, so I asked it “are you a mackerel? And it said “nah” and then I said “are you a salmon” and it said “nah” so then I figured it out! It must be a “2-nah fish” (tuna)

But I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Finally got around to reading “Les Misérables”-never did figure out who Les was.

Went kayaking yesterday with family. Figured the effort was worth it. We all had an oarable time.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

...but then I figured that its worth a shot.

Hey all, so im trying to figure out a pun that could deal with golfing and accounting. Lol i know it is a weird combo lol 😆. It's for the accounting place i work at and we are making a advertisement at the golf place.

ME: To me it's more like a father figure.

I’m a faux pa.

Edit: This took off a lot better than I expected.

I feel like a father figure now.

...in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. They figure that if you have the inclination you might as well have the time.

I told them it's more of a father figure

I figure thistle be the best revenge!

...he ordered all flare guns to be loaded with an action figure in his likeness. That's right: the Very model of a modern major general.

they figured somewhere down the road everything would go downhill

Father figures are for life.

It's my father figure.

It's a father figure.

I have a father figure.