What is considerably more valuable than a dad bod?

A father figure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/repostssleuthbot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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Gnat Funny

So I figure this is a regular occurrence for people, and idk if anyone's posted about it before (if so my bad), but y'all ever get real worked up about gnats?

Like,

  • It's not a mosquit-hoe.
  • Still wants to bug me anyway.
  • Can't call 911, so who do you call? S.W.A.T.?
  • You can slap your knees as much as you want but it doesn't get any funnier.
  • You might wonder if the gnat's a bit buzzed.

Sorry if these puns are so bad they fly over your head. Sometimes you just gotta wing it. πŸ˜‰

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PunmasterRajeev
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation.

I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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Albino dalmatian

On my way to work this morning i spotted an albino Dalmatian, i figured it was the least i could do for him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thecobs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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I must admit, I joined this subreddit despite not being a dad.

I’m a faux pa.

Edit: This took off a lot better than I expected.

I feel like a father figure now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedShirtCashion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Paper joke

What do you call making paper figures that sit on your desk?

Stationary art

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zetafunction64
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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Luke Skywalker: I know what Han is getting for Christmas.

Leia: How did you figure that out? Luke: I felt his presence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Not a joke, but this just happened...

Took a really big dab (weed) and was coughing my brains out, which caused the following conversation between me and my wife:

Wife: "Are you going to make it?"

Me: "Nope.. Cough Hack ..You're gonna... cough ..be a... Hack hack ..widow!"

Wife: "Nooo, you can't die!"

Me: Hack "And I don't even.. cough ..have.. hack ...life insurance!" cough hack cough

Wife: "Wife Insurance?? What is that - If I break can you swap me out for a new one?? Do you mean a pre-nup??"

My body couldn't figure out what the fuck to do. Cough, Laugh, it even got confused and farted. Fucking hilarious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmbivalentAsshole
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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My wife weighs exactly 300.00 lb.

She has a round figure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Grandad always hated the milkman

My grandad always hated the milkman. Every time the guy limped up to the door (he’d had his foot damaged in the war) to drop off our delivery grandad would always grumble and mutter. I asked the old man what he had against the milkman. I never got a good answer.

It wasn’t until years later that I figured out that grandad was just lack toes intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlephInfite
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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Painting a Church

A painter is desperate and bids low for a contract to paint the outside of a church. He figures he could still make a profit by adding water to the paint. He wins the contract.

He goes out one sunny day and after a long day's work, he finishes. Thunder cracks and the rain washes away the paint. A voice from the sky booms, "Repaint and thin no more!"

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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I don't know what the word "stubborn" means

But I won't stop until I figure it out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scarvius
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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Curious

A guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "'Cause he's fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spazpekker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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You could say I have an hour glass figure

It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chunkzz5159
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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I made this video in good humor only... please do not take it as offense in any way, shape, or form!

Life as a Stay at Home Dad (honest humor nothing against Stay at Home Dads)

As as an aspiring father figure, I have the greatest respect for dads of every kind. In fact, much of this stems from the fact I’ve grown up from the age of 6 without a father of my own. I made this video as a comical representation of what I hope to be one day: a guy full of dad jokes and such humor.

Thank you for reading and enjoy!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mosswyatt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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Need help figuring out a pun

My work uses punny names for all its example scenarios. Things like Dustin Dubree, Dora Jarr, Duane Pipes, etc.

One of them is David Jochim and no one in my class of 7 can figure this out.

So it’s either not a pun, or we’re dense.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarcosanAnarchist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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Apparently there was a crime that happened on the airplane that led to the plane crashing into the ocean.

The police are trying to investigate to figure out how it all went down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ikennaezeee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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I don’t see how introverts can vote for Bernie.

I would figure they want anti-socialism.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kirigaya9191
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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I felt like a hero when I donated that kindey to save a kid's life

Figured the collection was getting a bit too big so why not

credit to the r/TwoSentenceHorror subreddit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImRoderick1303
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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YouTube Rewind 2020

They should title it β€œ2020 hindsight”

This thought came to me this morning and idk, I need to let the world know. πŸ˜‚ I figured this would be the best place to post...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/they_call_me_0p
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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What do you call a Stick Figure that has been going to the gym?

A Log Figure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nikotiiiini
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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How do you make a computer say β€˜5’?

You’ll figure it out. It’s Programming Binary 101.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheIndrajitKar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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Why did the cow and the horse start a business together?

They figured they could make a lot of Moo Neigh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Somebody stole my toilet last week

I would try and figure it out, but I have nothing to go on

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bananawhack
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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The term β€œdad bod” is offensive

I prefer father figure

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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A guy walks into an empty bar...

He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"

He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.

Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"

Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"

At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"

The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."

The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".

"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.

"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....

"they're complimentary"

:)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_thundernugs_
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg! :)

(Sorry if this isn't as funny as the other jokes here! I just can't help but crack a smile when I hear this one. It's so cheesey and adorable to me! So I figured I'd try and share it with you all! Have a nice day!)

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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I have decided to go to a city in SW France to study history and art.

I figure, what do I have Toulouse.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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The business man opened a shadow puppet theater that should make a fortune!

But that’s just projected figures.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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A hunter went out into the forest

He went into the woods during a deep fog and saw a figure, so he shot...

He mist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asadleafsfan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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One of the local radio stations had a "Worst Pun" contest.

The best part was you could submit multiple entries, and I sent in a bunch, at least 10. I figured the more I came up with, one of them had to win.

But, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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I'm working on my dad bod

I want to be a good father figure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/d3hall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I'm currently creating a sculpture of a maths equation but I'm really struggling to finish.

I just can't figure it out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/soody765
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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I have a collection of urns to transfer my grandfather's ashes between them.

I figure he wouldn't want to be cooped up in one urn for long. While transferring his ashes, I broke his good urn. I am going to buy him another good urn. I guess its as the saying goes "one good urn deserves another".

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Why did the fool start collecting little insects after learning about covid?

He figured he needed antibodies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snugl-v203
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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Its not a dad bod

Its a father figure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/charly-snarly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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Albino Dalmatian

On my way to work this morning i spotted an albino Dalmatian, i figured it was the least i could do for him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thecobs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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What’s better than a Dad bod?

A father figure.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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I was told I have a dad bod...

I think it's more of a father figure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yelkyelk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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They say I have a dad bod

I say its a father figure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TxD337
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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What’s better than a dad bod?

A father figure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuckleberry__Finn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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It's not a dad bod

It's a father figure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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I don't have a "dad bod"

I have a father figure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valoremvallis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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My wife told me that I have a dad bod

I disagree. I clearly have a father figure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ValkornDoA
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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I don't have a "Dad Bod"

I have a father figure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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