...and now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage
2021
He said, βIβm back to school!β
Ig he really didn't stand a chance
I was just preparing a Barbie Queue
Because they're afraid of it blowing up.
Idea behind each: Upvote = burger flip motion for burgers flipped, hence my 1k karma / burgers flipped
Downvote = Drop your spatula, that was an actual bad joke, kinda like this post.
And always remember, hereβs one in Spanish: Uno.
I told him it was a get Ritz quick scheme...
You only have to lose an electron just before midnight.
Mum: Look at all that debris out there it's crazy
Dad: the police were actually down at the park over there
Mum: really?!
Dad: yeah, it was special branch
I pulled out cash for our rent and gave it to my wife to hold. She put it in her jacket and tossed clothes into the laundry without removing the money. I hear Wife- "ohhh.. I found the money, I washed it." Me- "don't tell anyone, you can get in trouble for money laundering" Collective groans went around by everyone in earshot
Well that explains why 7 8 9.
My older sister was challenged by a cousin to do the ALS ice bucket challenge thingy.
In an email she says, "Gonna make a creative ice bucket video. Just wait til you see what I'm up to, yall."
My dad responds, " 5'8"? 5'9"? "
"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"
"Why?" the boy replied.
"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"
The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."
The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves.
But then I saw her face.
itβs just that I canβt remember the punchline
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
He immediately popped the question.
guess iβm just a piece of meat for them
The Czech is in the mail.
Occu-pied.
... Iβd pick my nose!
Would you pick your nose?
I don't know if I believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.
I didn't mind too much, until I found out, she was faking them.
Son: STOP! Itβs never funny to joke around with fire!
Me: (looks at the fire) Why did the chicken cross the road?
The wife and I were crying laughing while the son went inside and locked us out of the house. πππ
..no one even raises an eyebrow.
How dairy!
That was the punchline
- People who can count
- People who canβt
But then I saw her face
Itβs only one percent.
Damascus
I can't believe it's not Buddha.
I donβt know what came over me
I see a lot of new faces here today!!
"You've broken your hand."
Turner
Heβs your classic Neigh-sayer.
Last month, a guy in Cincinnati stole a salt truck and led police on a 30 minute chase. (true story) At one point he tried to dump the load of salt on a police car. I told my teenage daughter this and she looked at me with a straight face and said βI guess theyβre going to arrest him for assaulting an officer.β π
Never been prouder of my daughter. π
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
My son and I were driving home from his baseball practice when we see a car with a vinyl wrap. All digital camo. I point it out and said βthatβs a nice car huh?β And he replies βwhat car? All I see are wheels.β It took me a second to realize what he said. So I looked over to him he had the biggest smirk on his face. I almost teared up.
He really got a head of himself.
Now I canβt open it because the door is facing the wall.
A Father Figure
He called my daughter a "ho". 3 times!!!
The horse not being able to comprehend the language shits on the floor and leaves
