I have a computer that does the exact opposite of what you tell it to do
it talks so if it's being annoying just say "open down"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
How did the Romans make sure they nailed Jesus to the cross in exactly the right place?
they drilled a Pilate hole.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder..
..to find exactly 32 of them.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 30 2021
Sherlock and Watson arrived on the scene of a murder and the only clue was a measuring tape pulled out to exactly 12 inches.
Apparently something was afoot.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
I didn't exactly ace my "capture the wasp" exam.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
I use to think that I had the exact same padlock as my friend, but upon closer inspection..
It was clear to see that they had some key differences.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
People act like the North and South poles are exactly the same
...but really, thereβs a whole world of differences between them.
π︎ 41
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 m. long?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
When I won the grand prize at cemetery, I knew exactly what it was.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
Exactly!
π︎ 82
π
︎ Sep 25 2020
My Sherlock Holmes themed Monopoly board is exactly 12 inches
π︎ 36
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
My wife weighs exactly 300.00 lb.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
My wife pulled me aside yesterday. We sat down and she told me she had some news. Honey, I'm pregnant were here exact words.
I responded with hi pregnant, i'm dad.
"No you're not."
π︎ 31
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
As a lumberjack, I know that Iβve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Oct 07 2019
What, exactly, is a fart?
A lonely cry from an abandoned turd.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
What exactly is Beethoven doing in his grave ?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
Exactly 50% of Roger Federerβs name is βerβ!
Thatβs it, thatβs the joke! ;)
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 20 2020
My dad knows exactly where everything is located in the store.
I am impressed with his shelf confidence.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
You know that theory about no two people see colours exactly the same way...
Surely it's a pigment of their imagination ?
π︎ 65
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
I was diagnosed with onomatopoeia recently
I asked my doctor "is that bad?"
He said "it's exactly how it sounds like"
π︎ 30
π
︎ Jun 02 2021
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
π︎ 786
π
︎ Mar 08 2020
What exactly makes a joke a dad joke?
π︎ 18
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
Painting my ceiling isn't exactly #1 on my priority list.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Sep 30 2020
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree?
Exactly. Because they're damn good at it!
π︎ 86
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, βWhat exactly happened before The Big Bang?β
He said, βSorry. No time.β
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 30 2019
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
My uncle is really good at fishing. He always knows exactly what kind of worm to put on his fishing hook, in order to catch the desired kind of fish.
One might say he is a master baiter.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 18 2020
My Child asked me βwhat is a dark joke?β I said to him βyou see that man trying to find his car?β
My son looks at me and says, βyou know Iβm blind right?β Me being me said βExactlyβ
π︎ 41
π
︎ May 05 2021
Due to social distancing, everyone is asking Kim Jung Un how far six feet is Exactly!
Because he is the supreme ruler.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 13 2020
A bit morbid but hilarious. This happened earlier today.
My son had never heard of the store βBuy Buy Babyβ (an American chain of stores for products for babies, similar to βBabies R Usβ). I canβt remember exactly why I brought it up, but I mentioned the store to my wife (I think we were reminiscing on shopping there for our kids).
My son overheard me say it, and he asked if it was some sick name for an abortion clinic.
As in βBye bye baby.β
So stupid but I canβt remember the last time I laughed as hard as I did. I canβt stop replaying it in my head and laughing.
π︎ 23
π
︎ May 12 2021
Not exactly what the doctor ordered
π︎ 59
π
︎ Mar 22 2020
I still remember exactly where I was when I found out how JFK died.
Sitting at home, reading his Wikipedia page.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jun 09 2020
Doctor- Your body is completely out of magnesium.
Patient- OMG!
Doctor- Exactly
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
The 'i' of the hurricane is exactly at the center of the word
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 13 2020
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 04 2018
Have you ever egged Zach Lee?
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 29 2021
A rancher was taking inventory of his livestock.
He figured it wouldnβt take too long because he knee for a fact that he had exactly 196 head of cattle. But he discovered he actually had 200 head of cattle. He was confused until he realized he had rounded them up.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 21 2021
A salesperson came to my door yesterday trying to sell me a coffin.
I told him, "That's the last thing I need".
π︎ 52
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
π︎ 71
π
︎ Jun 01 2020
What were the odds in 1957 of being the exact stray dog chosen to be the first living thing in space?
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 23 2020
You need exactly 239 beans to make Irish soup because if you add one more it becomes too farty.
π︎ 207
π
︎ Oct 25 2019
Holmes and Watson are creeping stealthy along the Street, searching for clues, when Holmes suddenly spots a Bakery shop window and scans it with his magnifying glass. Watson perplexed, says to Sherlock " What are you looking for exactly ? " ...Holmes replies...
" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
Where do you find a cow with no legs ?
Exactly where you left it.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
Iβll tell you exactly why the rioters attacked that store...
because it was a big target
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 30 2020
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs...
π︎ 21
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14m long
a π-thon
π︎ 63
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
As a lumberjack, I know that Iβve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Aug 25 2018
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