Verbatim account of a conversation with my son at breakfast this morning that makes me feel like I’m dadding well:

Son: β€œI hate crumbs.”

Me: β€œThat’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”

Son: β€œWell I don’t want to eat them.”

Me: β€œAnd they don’t want to eat you.”

Son: β€œCrumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”

Me: β€œWhat if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”

Son: β€œAnd I’d say you’re ducking weird.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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What does "verbatim" mean?

One of my anklebiters is doing homework and she asked,

>What does "verbatim" mean?

so I had her read it word-for-word out of the dictionary. She was not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/iamonlyoneman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
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How does a crab go when it's right?

"Aw, snap!"

Apparently our babysitter taught that to my 2 -1/2 year old daughter.
That is how she said it, verbatim. Im still laughing

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/FalconerGuitars
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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Discussion with an Anesthesiologist

This happened verbatim on Tuesday afternoon.

Discussing emergency surgery on my one month old son with the anesthesiologist. I said:

"I hope you have an alternate method for putting him to sleep. He isn't too good at counting back from 100 yet."

While the doctor got a good chuckle out of that my wife dropped her head into her hands and said "dadjokes. It's too soon for that crap."

It is never too soon for dadjokes!

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thonlo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
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My dad just celebrated 10 years sober.

Not in a row though, 20 minutes here, 3 hours there...

(My dad is actually starting to do stand up and I just watched a video of him and he said this verbatim)

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/IONTOP
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2014
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Wedding Dad Jokes, buckle-up

So I'm not a dad but I do have fatherly aspirations. I told this joke at a wedding for a friend of mine. All names have changed except the bride's last name- it's a big part of the joke. My buddy we'll call Bob Smith, and his bride is Jane Patton.

After the father of the bride gives his toast, and the best man does his, I grab the mike from the best man and begin. This is as verbatim as I can remember. So I intro myself and promise to keep my comment short and say,

"Bob, I just want to say you're a great friend of mine, like a brother, and one thing I love about you is you're always surprising me. Like today for instance, I didn't know you were an inventor. Lo and behold, you've got your name on a Patton!"

Chuckles, drowned out by groans. I apologize and return to my seat.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/Daniffer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2014
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