Every Year Puns

Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”

My aunt let's her pigs in the field.

Its Mayham!

It's "In the Pen Dance Day"!

But Son day happens once every week

I'll take itally.

It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.

Happy Bearthday

You could say I'm home for the hollandaise.

I consider him my reel dad.

An Oldie butt, bares repeating.

Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks.

It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.

They do their best to navigate that maize.

Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:

No Offense, Nun Taken

It's a gift.

MOM: Go find yourself a hot 23 year old girl and I'll make sure you'll once again have nothing.

He said he wouldn’t do it.

Cause it would take a cent-ury.

He would be the reigning Raining champ

I think it might even keep on Dublin.

that way I always start the new year off on the right foot

It's how I celebrate Soup or Bowl Sunday.

It's my annual pro-state exam

And every year I've dreaded it.

Punchline.

To wrap her gifts to my kids. You wouldn’t know by looking at me but I’m pretty good! Some would say I’m a Grammy nominated wrapper!

See you next year!

but how often do you see biannual parades?

…never to be heard from again…

And as the groans begin, I'll screech, "The letter G!"

Dad: My daughter is such a treasure, isn’t she?

New Person: [Clearly confused.] Uh…yes, she is.

Dad: THE KIND YOU WANNA BURY!

Oh wow! It's already 5 o'clock and there's still a bit of light in the sky.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

"Oh, it's just a badge oak."

"......gneiss guys finish last."

Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.

Harassment nothing to me.

(dad hears something funny) That's the funniest thing I've heard ALL year.

(Dad eats dinner) This is the best thing I've eaten ALL year.

Shouldn’t men be recommended to get sirograms?

He sat me down the other day and asked why a watch?

“I guess it’s just been something to pass the time”

It's Thai Man Time Again.

Hey, it's October. Somebody go wake up Green Day!

"It's a little known fact that the Titanic was not only transporting passengers, but was also carrying a large shipment of mayonnaise from Hellman's factories in England to consumers in Mexico. After the Titanic had made its trip to New York, the mayonnaise-- supposedly the largest single shipment of the stuff to ever be delivered to Mexico-- was going to be dropped off in the port city Vera Cruz. But unfortunately, when the ship sank, the Mexicans had lost all of the mayonnaise they had ordered. Extremely saddened by their loss and its economic consequences, the Mexicans declared a day that would go down in history as a holiday of remembrance and mourning. And every year on May the 5th they would celebrate...

"Sinko de Mayo."

hyuh hyuh hyuh hyuh hyuh

• The Notorious D.I.G.
• The Orval Redenblockers (I probably butchered that spelling)
• The Volley Lamas
• The Gold Diggers
• The Serve-ivers

Every year on our family ski trip we drive by a store called "Super Shoes" on the way to the mountain.

He proceeds to say "I'll have the soup please!" and then the car erupts in laughter.

Bug Splatters

Dad- "You know what the last thing that went through that bug's head when he hit the windshield?"

Me- "No dad, what?"

Dad- "His ass!"

Gets em every time

He would ask me, "so what position are you playing, left out?"

Phone call from my dad "Where the hell are you? I haven't seen or heard from you all year, don't you care about your mother and I anymore!?!"

...a new butt because his has a crack in it.

Every year...

He tapes a penny into my birthday card and writes underneath: "Don't spend it all in one place!"

Thanks, Dad.

Me: Bye, Dad! I'm going to get a haircut." Dad: "Which one?"

Paddy O'Furniture

It always aired from 9 to 10 PM. Every season, on the episode from 9PM to 10PM my dad would say, "Wow is this live?"

"There's still 364 days until Christmas and people already have their decorations out!"

It's my mom's birthday.

Mom asks my dad for help on something.

Dad (talking to the room): She must think it's her birthday or something!

After we are done eating and the waiter comes to grab our dishes, my dad will point at his empty plate and say:

"As you can see, I didn't like any of that!". Awkward laughs all around the table...

[Having breakfast with my folks]

Dad: "This is my favorite day of the year."

Me: "Oh yeah 'cause it's your birthday tomorrow right?"

Dad: "No, because today is the one day out of the year where the date is a command!"

Me: "Oh god, not this agai-"

Dad: [cutting me off with a booming impression of a Roman centurion] "MARCH FORTH OR THOU SHALT BE FIFTH! And that's me I'm March 5th."

Me: "Walked right into that one again.."

Dad: "Same time next year?"

My dad: "Oh my god, I smell awful. It's been one year since I last took a shower!"

Me: dad meet my new GF (older, but he has told the same joke for 11 years now...from HS to when I went to the Marine Corps and...now at good college... brought my GF home....still the same Joke) Dad: (as were leaving) remember kids (I'm 27) never pet a burning dog...(I sigh)....and remember outside of a dog a book is a mans best friend (pause ..as always GF turns around with a questionable look on her face)....because inside a dog its too dark to read .... Me: Smile put arm around my GF and just keep walking ..thinking to myself....one day Ill pull this same shit on my kids...one day

This still cracks my little brother(6) and sister(4) up like crazy when he's opening presents.

Dad:" Oh look! It's a new box!"

Dad: At least we dont have to take the battery tunnel to get to school. Me: Why? Dad: Because then we'd have carpool tunnel syndrome.

What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?

A dictator

Me: "Is Phil Hartman the one who was killed by his wife?"
Mom: "Yup."
Dad: "Shot him right in the heart, man."
Mom (genuinely): "Did she really?"

my sister, dad, and I just started cracking up.

"... but your birthday is only once a year."

My dad must have said that a thousand times. And now that I'm a dad myself, I find myself saying it... I can't help it. It's my duty (apparently).

How does good king Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

This might not be a good one but.. (Over the phone) Dad- hey,what did you what did you do with that chair? Me - what chair.. Dad - the chair you stood on to kiss that donkey's ass.

Dad: So I heard they're opening up a Hickory Farms in Israel. Do you know what they're calling it?

Bemused Clerk: No, what?

Dad: Cheeses of Nazareth.

Leave house to celebrate New Year's Eve with friends.

Me : I'll be back tomorrow.

Dad : See ya next year!

It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.

It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.

I think it might even keep on Dublin

It might be stupid, but 5/7 wood post again.

I want to be sure I start the new year off on the right foot.

never to be heard from again.

Hey what's that smell? Oh it's you, you haven't showered since last year!

Every year after the countdown to proclaim:

I haven't eaten since last year!!

dad: hey, what day is it? me: march 4th? dad: marches forth