On the news: βnearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every yearβ
Me, to my wife: βthatβs stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!β
π︎ 93
π
︎ May 27 2020
In the 5th month of every year...
My aunt let's her pigs in the field.
Its Mayham!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 25 2020
Every year on July 4th a group of ants get together inside a pen and have a dancing party.
It's "In the Pen Dance Day"!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 04 2020
Motherβs and Fatherβs day only happens once every year
But Son day happens once every week
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 11 2020
How many people visit Rome every year?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 25 2020
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
π︎ 453
π
︎ Oct 10 2019
This year is a godsend for every optometrist's social media marketing campaign.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 04 2020
What does the sun say to the earth every New Year's Day?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 02 2020
I moved far away from my parents, but every year around this time I make the trip back because my mom makes this delicious sauce for dinner...
You could say I'm home for the hollandaise.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 30 2019
My stepdad was the one who took me fishing every year growing up.
I consider him my reel dad.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Sep 15 2019
What do you call a 100-year old who moons you when skinny-dipping every day?
An Oldie butt, bares repeating.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 23 2019
Know why geese kill more humans every year than sharks?
Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Sep 25 2019
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
π︎ 91
π
︎ May 07 2019
Every year, a local farmer cuts certain parts of his corn crop before harvest for the entertainment of many who like to get lost.
They do their best to navigate that maize.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 13 2019
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team. Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handilyβ¦
Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.
Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.
One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.
As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.
The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:
No Offense, Nun Taken
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 11 2019
Every year, I always know exactly what my wife wants for Christmas...
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jul 02 2019
DAD: Fifty years ago I had nothing, but I got to sleep with a hot 23 year old girl every night. Now we have a large house and a nice car, but I'm sleeping with an old woman. What happened?
MOM: Go ο¬nd yourself a hot 23 year old girl and I'll make sure you'll once again have nothing.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 21 2019
I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldnβt do it.
Cause it would take a cent-ury.
π︎ 44
π
︎ Feb 02 2019
Every year, dads hold a competition to see who can make it rain. Their goal is to have someone win 2 years in a row
He would be the reigning Raining champ
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 16 2019
Every year St Patrick's Day gets bigger
I think it might even keep on Dublin.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 17 2019
This town has a festival every year for the spawning salmon. They are rife with fish puns. Itβs my favorite time of year.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 21 2018
Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes
that way I always start the new year off on the right foot
π︎ 14
π
︎ Nov 30 2018
Every year on this day, I give my friend the choice between eating soup or going bowling with me.
It's how I celebrate Soup or Bowl Sunday.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Feb 03 2019
Every year, I re-assess how much I support states' rights
It's my annual pro-state exam
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jan 16 2019
Every year I know my girlfriend is going to ask me in that same condescending voice whether I'm going to do something different with my hair for Reggaefest.
And every year I've dreaded it.
π︎ 77
π
︎ Jun 16 2018
I'm usually not one to complain about my wife, but so far I have done dishes every day this year, while she hasn't done any.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 02 2019
Every year we line up and take turns giving Johnny birthday punches
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 04 2019
Every year my mom asks me...
To wrap her gifts to my kids. You wouldnβt know by looking at me but Iβm pretty good! Some would say Iβm a Grammy nominated wrapper!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 25 2018
I feel like every dad says this around New Yearβs Eve
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 31 2018
There seems to be a lot of annual gay pride parades every year,
but how often do you see biannual parades?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 02 2019
Every year hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime schoolβ¦
β¦never to be heard from againβ¦
π︎ 219
π
︎ Jul 11 2017
I can't wait until we're all gathered around the table and as we're about to eat, I'll ask my family as I do each and every year, "What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?"
And as the groans begin, I'll screech, "The letter G!"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 22 2018
To every new person Iβve introduced him to for the last 20 years
Dad: My daughter is such a treasure, isnβt she?
New Person: [Clearly confused.] Uhβ¦yes, she is.
Dad: THE KIND YOU WANNA BURY!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 23 2018
Every year, the day after Solstice.
Oh wow! It's already 5 o'clock and there's still a bit of light in the sky.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 22 2018
It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving for weeks afterward.
Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Aug 23 2018
I live in an old neighborhood with a 100 year old oak tree. One day every year, all the kids in the neighborhood put all their boy/girl scout badges on the tree. One day, I wonder why the kids do this. So, I called up my dad to ask him, and he said...
"Oh, it's just a badge oak."
π︎ 49
π
︎ Oct 21 2017
Every year my town has a 4th of July track meet during the day, and any age can compete. My geologist dad, heavy set and not ready to compete, entered the mile and obviously did poorly, but he crossed the finish line, gave me a shit-eating grin and said:
"......gneiss guys finish last."
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jul 05 2017
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 20 2017
The gift my calculus teacher gives to each student every year
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 15 2017
My Dad carried this in his wallet for years. I used to roll my eyes every time he pulled it out, but now the memory always makes me smile.
mindwerx.com/files/imagecβ¦
π︎ 880
π
︎ Aug 28 2013
Every year at work they make us do a Sexual Harassment training, and I don't see what the big deal is...
Harassment nothing to me.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 28 2017
Every Year on New Years Day
(dad hears something funny) That's the funniest thing I've heard ALL year.
(Dad eats dinner) This is the best thing I've eaten ALL year.
π︎ 533
π
︎ Dec 26 2013
It is suggested that women over the age of 55 get a mammogram every 2 years.
Shouldnβt men be recommended to get sirograms?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 03 2018
I have been getting my son a new watch for Christmas every year for the last ten years
He sat me down the other day and asked why a watch?
βI guess itβs just been something to pass the timeβ
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 11 2018
I've always wanted to throw an Earth Day party but every year I forget to planet.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Apr 22 2016
The season has arrived when I desire the company of an Asian gentleman. It happens every year...
It's Thai Man Time Again.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 28 2016
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 10 2015
Oct 1 and I get this text from my Dad every year...
Hey, it's October. Somebody go wake up Green Day!
π︎ 69
π
︎ Oct 01 2013
Every year Dad has to tell it to SOMEONE...
"It's a little known fact that the Titanic was not only transporting passengers, but was also carrying a large shipment of mayonnaise from Hellman's factories in England to consumers in Mexico. After the Titanic had made its trip to New York, the mayonnaise-- supposedly the largest single shipment of the stuff to ever be delivered to Mexico-- was going to be dropped off in the port city Vera Cruz. But unfortunately, when the ship sank, the Mexicans had lost all of the mayonnaise they had ordered. Extremely saddened by their loss and its economic consequences, the Mexicans declared a day that would go down in history as a holiday of remembrance and mourning. And every year on May the 5th they would celebrate...
"Sinko de Mayo."
hyuh hyuh hyuh hyuh hyuh
π︎ 122
π
︎ Sep 16 2013
My school hosts a volleyball tournament every year. Here are some if my favorite team names
- The Notorious D.I.G.
- The Orval Redenblockers (I probably butchered that spelling)
- The Volley Lamas
- The Gold Diggers
- The Serve-ivers
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 02 2014
Every year.
Every year on our family ski trip we drive by a store called "Super Shoes" on the way to the mountain.
He proceeds to say "I'll have the soup please!" and then the car erupts in laughter.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Nov 26 2013
Just discovered this sub. My dad has said this for years every time a bug hits the windshield.
Bug Splatters
Dad- "You know what the last thing that went through that bug's head when he hit the windshield?"
Me- "No dad, what?"
Dad- "His ass!"
Gets em every time
π︎ 80
π
︎ Sep 16 2013
In honor of Baseball opening day, here is what my father asked me every year after the first day of little league.
He would ask me, "so what position are you playing, left out?"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 02 2016
Every year, January 1st, 12:01AM, the past 10 years
Phone call from my dad "Where the hell are you? I haven't seen or heard from you all year, don't you care about your mother and I anymore!?!"
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jun 11 2014
Every single year.
π︎ 106
π
︎ Nov 14 2013
Every year, all my dad says he wants for Christmas is...
...a new butt because his has a crack in it.
π︎ 89
π
︎ Sep 21 2013
Dad joke in my birthday card... every damn year
Every year...
He tapes a penny into my birthday card and writes underneath:
"Don't spend it all in one place!"
Thanks, Dad.
π︎ 48
π
︎ Oct 10 2013
Every time I went to the barber for 17 years...
Me: Bye, Dad! I'm going to get a haircut."
Dad: "Which one?"
π︎ 26
π
︎ Oct 29 2013
Every Year... What's Irish and Sits outside
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 17 2015
Every year when 24 was on the air
It always aired from 9 to 10 PM. Every season, on the episode from 9PM to 10PM my dad would say, "Wow is this live?"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 06 2014
Every year after Christmas he says this.
"There's still 364 days until Christmas and people already have their decorations out!"
π︎ 34
π
︎ Dec 28 2013
Every year...
It's my mom's birthday.
Mom asks my dad for help on something.
Dad (talking to the room): She must think it's her birthday or something!
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jan 29 2014
I swear my Dad has said this every time my family has gone out to dinner for the past 10 years
After we are done eating and the waiter comes to grab our dishes, my dad will point at his empty plate and say:
"As you can see, I didn't like any of that!". Awkward laughs all around the table...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 02 2013
Today's the day before my dad's birthday, he makes the same joke about it every year.
[Having breakfast with my folks]
Dad: "This is my favorite day of the year."
Me: "Oh yeah 'cause it's your birthday tomorrow right?"
Dad: "No, because today is the one day out of the year where the date is a command!"
Me: "Oh god, not this agai-"
Dad: [cutting me off with a booming impression of a Roman centurion] "MARCH FORTH OR THOU SHALT BE FIFTH! And that's me I'm March 5th."
Me: "Walked right into that one again.."
Dad: "Same time next year?"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 04 2015
Every New Year's Day
My dad: "Oh my god, I smell awful. It's been one year since I last took a shower!"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 31 2013
dad- corny.... but still makes me smile every time....11 years later
Me: dad meet my new GF (older, but he has told the same joke for 11 years now...from HS to when I went to the Marine Corps and...now at good college... brought my GF home....still the same Joke)
Dad: (as were leaving) remember kids (I'm 27) never pet a burning dog...(I sigh)....and remember outside of a dog a book is a mans best friend (pause ..as always GF turns around with a questionable look on her face)....because inside a dog its too dark to read ....
Me: Smile put arm around my GF and just keep walking ..thinking to myself....one day Ill pull this same shit on my kids...one day
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 27 2013
My dad will drop this one every year at Christmas
This still cracks my little brother(6) and sister(4) up like crazy when he's opening presents.
Dad:" Oh look! It's a new box!"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 24 2013
Every year, my dad changes his profile picture to this and says, "My turkey isn't that big this year."
imgur.com/WOvTXy9
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 28 2013
We were discussing the carpool a few years ago and there was heavy traffic on every single route we normally take.
Dad: At least we dont have to take the battery tunnel to get to school.
Me: Why?
Dad: Because then we'd have carpool tunnel syndrome.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 17 2013
I anticipate my dad's homemade Halloween costumes every year. He just dropped this one on me
imgur.com/a/POV9g
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 24 2013
My uncle tells me this one every year or so, I chuckle every time
What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?
A dictator
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 16 2013
It's a family tradition to watch Jingle All The Way every year....
Me: "Is Phil Hartman the one who was killed by his wife?"
Mom: "Yup."
Dad: "Shot him right in the heart, man."
Mom (genuinely): "Did she really?"
my sister, dad, and I just started cracking up.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 28 2013
"It's Christmas and New Year every year ..."
"... but your birthday is only once a year."
My dad must have said that a thousand times. And now that I'm a dad myself, I find myself saying it... I can't help it. It's my duty (apparently).
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 17 2013
A Christmas joke my dad likes to tell every year.
How does good king Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 07 2014
Up until last year I fell for this EVERY TIME. (Im 24)
This might not be a good one but..
(Over the phone) Dad- hey,what did you what did you do with that chair?
Me - what chair..
Dad - the chair you stood on to kiss that donkey's ass.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 04 2014
Every year at the seasonal Hickory Farms mall kiosk...
Dad: So I heard they're opening up a Hickory Farms in Israel. Do you know what they're calling it?
Bemused Clerk: No, what?
Dad: Cheeses of Nazareth.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 27 2013
He gets me every year, I'll be ready this time.
Leave house to celebrate New Year's Eve with friends.
Me : I'll be back tomorrow.
Dad : See ya next year!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 09 2013
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Nov 20 2018
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Oct 10 2019
Every year St Patrickβs day keeps on getting bigger
I think it might even keep on Dublin
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 18 2019
I have a friend who was born on July 5th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence post. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 5/7 wood post again.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 20 2018
Every year during the New Year's count down, I stand up from the couch and lift my left leg...
I want to be sure I start the new year off on the right foot.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 28 2018
Every year, hundreds of kids are sent off to mime school
never to be heard from again.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Apr 25 2018
Every damn year.
Hey what's that smell? Oh it's you, you haven't showered since last year!
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 01 2014
Only once every year
Every year after the countdown to proclaim:
I haven't eaten since last year!!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 31 2014
Every year.
dad: hey, what day is it?
me: march 4th?
dad: marches forth
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 04 2014
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