A private investigator.
Call it the Stan Lee Cup.
It's our hey-ride.
I have no idea how that horse became a doctor
As I approached the counter at my 8 year old's clinic, the nurse asks "are you here for an appointment?" I replied without hesitation & confusion "umm, no my daughter is". The blank stare was enough.
I was filling flowerbeds at work-a sport center and gym- with my dad(one of the owners), the groundskeeper- a father himself(lets call him GK), his son, and another co-worker.
two brothers, both in their late teens come out of the gym and wait for their dad to come pick them up. My dad sees them and asks if they want to help with the mulch- "its a free second workout!" A little later, GK says "Hey guys, you two should help with the mulch. We won't pay ya, but it'll help build up your muscles!". After the second time, you could hear the kids groan across the parking lot.
Aaand in come the brothers' father to pick them up. "Hey, look- they're mulching. you should help them. you two need to work on your biceps."
Three variants of the same dad joke in a matter of 15 minutes.
Hi, could someone help me out with puns for the months of the year? January was Jan-new-ary, February was Feb-boo-ary, etc.
Just April would be great and if possible, the rest of the year
They make up everything.
I was proud.
Air-vrything.
I'm so proud.
A hammer.
I'm eggnogstic
8yo: "There, I ate!"
Me [points at 9yo]: "Good job! She nine."
8yo: 🤔?
9yo: "Ugh. Because I'm nine and you're eight. You ate. I nine?"
8yo: "Daaaad!"
It was as big as the last two combined!
Me: Their fur is the same color as the desert so they blend in.
Her: Exactly! They camel-flage!
I walked right into that one lol
5yo: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
5yo: To get to the dummy's house.
Me:...
5yo:...
Me:...
5yo: Knock Knock.
Me: Who's there?
5yo: The chicken.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[removed]
He just can't part with it.
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
You buy it from the cat-alogue
Because it was ground.
She could see I was stressed out with work and she and I have a very dark sense of humour.
Hey Dad, you ok?
Yeah li'l beat just over worker and tired and stressed about the holidays.
"hey dad, lots of men struggle with mental health don't worry about it too much, Robin Williams and Kurt Cobain daughters turned out just fine."
I have been walking on eggshells ever since.
Antique
Getting karma should be as easy as cake.
It all seems 2020
2021
Haven't seen anyone post all year!
(Happy New Year from Australia everyone!)
12 second
Edit1: Since so many of you guys are confused, it's like January second, February second and so on.
Edit2: No 22nd doesn't count.
"I don't know, bud, what?"
"Your legs."
Well done, kid.
It’s starting to become a running joke at this point
It took a long time, but she finally honed her Kraft.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
... when it is full groan!
(Glad she still has her sense of humor at her age; gives me hope for my future!)
He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”
A carrot.
She got out after 5 years and I had to serve the remaining 5.
We always finish each others sentences.
2021
Piece of cake :D
Still on 1080p? or upgraded to 4k already?
Because it had egg-zema.
She's suffered from eczema since she was a baby and I'm glad she can find humor in it.
..NO MORE READING !!
So you can start the New Year off on the right foot
Edit: Thanks for the silver
So to start things off right, I'd just like to say... The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
Me: do you want ranch or blue cheese? 3yr old: ranch is for horses
Little guy Caught me off guard lol
Quaranteens.
That’s inflation for you!
I asked my daughter if she was hungry and she said "No, I'm Charlotte".
I'm so proud of her, but also I had been waiting to do the whole hi hungry, I'm dad bit to her when I thought she was old enough to get it. Now I feel like I've missed that window
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
He just can't part with it.
