My friend tried to get me to join his MLM scheme of selling devices for establishing a horizontal line by means of a bubble in a liquid that shows adjustment to the horizontal by movement to the center of a glass tube...

It'd make cents off so many levels.

/edit:rephrased punchline

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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A disgruntled employee of an axe throwing establishment was leaving one-star Yelp reviews

Apparently it was a real hatchet job

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πŸ‘€︎ u/P8ntballz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.

The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.

The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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Why is there 2 d's in 'Reddit'?

Because one is a repost.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZZiyan_11
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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As an owner of a nightclub, I had small insects discourage unsavory types from entering my establishment...

They were my deter ants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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I used to live paycheck to paycheck...

....but now that I'm older and better established, I live direct deposit to direct deposit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Dad Tells Time With His Hat

My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.

He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.

And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.

My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fredzred
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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How do you call an Indian’s establishment?

An Hindustry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buraiane
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Out of the blue, I decided to take my wife to a commercial establishment offering health and beauty treatment through such means as steam baths, exercise equipment, and massage

You could say the decision was pretty spa-radic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Avasnay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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Ever hear about the chinese restaurant owner that sold his establishment for crack?

they say he hit a new lo, mein.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/genocidechimp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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Y'all acting like overclocking is an expert thing
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sonujohny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
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A man walks into an establishment...

A man walks into an establishment, goes up to the counter and says: β€œHi, can I buy some fish and chips please” The lady responds: β€œSir this is a library” The man: whispers β€œSorry, can I buy some fish and chips please”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/matt_white97
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2017
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Who established the Knights of the Round Table?

Sir Cumference

My dad has just gotten my 3yo son to tell me this joke. I'm not old enough for him to be a dad yet!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Findpurplesky
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2017
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As a cartographer, I'm used to adding terrain features to maps.

But when it comes to establishing a boundary, that's where I draw the line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whudaboutit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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I’m making a name for myself at work...

So there we were, in the break room of a retail establishment.

A coworker was trying to toss her salad and one of my friends looks at me and says, β€œgo ahead, do it!”

And I’m trying not to laugh, β€œdo what?”

And he says, β€œmake a joke! You want to, I can see it on your face!”

β€œI can’t, it’s not—” I don’t get to finish my sentence.

β€œWhy not!?” He asks, as if he’s disappointed.

β€œBecause…” ( β€’_β€’)>βŒβ– -β– 

β€œβ€¦I’m turning over a new leaf.” (βŒβ– _β– )

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mapkar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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A rope walks into a bar...

he sits down and orders a drink. the bartender says, "I'm sorry. we don't serve ropes at this establishment". The rope shrugs it off and leaves. The next day, the rope thought to himself, maybe it was just the one bartender who was a jerk. I'll go back and try again. He walks into the bar, see's a new bartender, and sits down to order a drink. Alas, this new bartender says, "we don't serve ropes at this bar". The rope is getting pretty heated at this point. He storms out of the bar, ruffles his ends, gets himself all twisted up, marches right back in, and demands a drink. The bartender responds, "aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" the rope responds, "no, I'm a frayed knot"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1_h473_l337_5p34k
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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in 'monty python and the holy grail,'

did anyone ask why the knights REALLY wanted shrubberies?

...to establish a HEDGEemony ;)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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Do you want to know what the benefit of being Swiss is?

Well the flag's a plus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ignat980
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2017
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String walks into a pub and......

So a piece of string walks into a pub, grabs a stool at the bar when he sees a sign that says "Strings not Allowed in this Establishment". He quickly ties himself into a knot before the bartender walks up and says "Hey!, are you a string??"

"No, I'm afraid knot"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvadNamNav
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
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Dad joked my fellow soccer teammates.

I play indoor soccer with a group of guys every Thursday night at the local church. We play for fun so we have some ground rules so it doesn't get too aggressive. One of the guys went for a slide and scored a goal everyone was quite upset at this knowing we had already established that sliding, especially indoor, was not allowed. While everyone was arguing whether the goal counted or not I responded with, " I think we can let that one slide." Collective groan from many, many others allowed it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thewhatnowyousay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
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Not in the picture

My nephew showed my wife pictures he had on his wall of himself with different family members that were taken the day he was born.

He tells her that he looked for a picture of he and I together, but couldn't find one. My wife explained that that was because he was born before we met.

Me: "It's because I wasn't in the picture yet!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emsqrd
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2015
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I was on holiday in Poland...

...with a fellow Dad last weekend when we walked past what looked very much like a strip club. He was a little surprised to find such an establishment in the rather staid seaside resort we were staying in, so I explained that we were in a country with a long and respectable tradition of Pole dancing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PonyMamacrane
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2015
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I died after this incident.

So we are all standing around eating dessert and my girlfriend is explaining to my dad how she burnt the cookies. I attempt to quell her stresses by telling her "don't worry, me and my dad are crisponians and have a deeper taste for crisp". My father responds with "I may be a crisponian but this might be crisponite". Everyone in the room was laughing except for my 13 year old sister, it was priceless.

This is the same guy that, on a road trip (shortly after the wendy's "finger in chili incident"), was trying to persuade us to visit the establishment whilst passing by. When i said i didn't want to he said "What's the matter don't you like finger food?". He followed up with "Wendy's: We put a little bit of ourselves into everything we make.". And finally simultaneously made every passenger pee their pants when he raised a clenched fist and said "WENDY"S! WERE #1!!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kronox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
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