Early On Puns

I guess I should really get around to starting it.

.. Somebody, somewhere, is rubbing their hands together.

I stopped and asked him what the matter was, he told me his dog had died. I gave my sympathies and offered to get him another one, he just looks at me and says "sure what would I do with two dead dogs".

The main frames are key

...all they had to say was "get Elon little doggie".

But others will say nomster

Papa No Grinny.

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

We were both pretty tired since we woke up at 3AM. When we get to our seats, I pulled out my e-reader. My wife looks at me and says "How can you read?"

"Well, I guess I would have to thank my parents for teaching me when I was a kid..."

D: The dawn of a new age.

Every year until I was 12 he would wake me up early and tell me "happy birthday!". As I woke up groggy and happy he then would say "April fool's, see you later!" And left my bedroom laughing.

It's the one curse of being born on April 2nd.

I heard him pick up

Me: Oh, did I wake you up? Grandfather: No, no. I had to wake up to answer the phone anyways.

My girlfriend was driving us to into town early this morning for work, it was dark and we all had lights on. A waste disposal truck coming the other way narrowly misses us as it overtakes a cyclist on a blind corner. My girlfriend gets angry because of their stupidity, I wait a split second and say:

"I guess they're just a rubbish lorry driver"

It didn't defuse the situation...

Dad: Are you sure you don't want to bring this [additional phone charger]?

Me: Dad, I have so many chargers packed...they're going to think I have weapons of mass conduction!

http://imgur.com/KuLZLiu

[Dad opening some new gloves and starting to try them on]

Mom: I hope you like them, I wasn't sure which size to get you. How do those fit?

Dad: Like a glove.

Once upon a time in the 80’s, the religious supreme ruler of a middle eastern country fled outside military forces seeking to strip him of his power using whatever means necessary. Fearing for his life, he was secretly smuggled into the US where he reluctantly shaved his beard and attempted to blend in.

He successfully went native and got an apartment, and soon realized he needed a job to pay for food and rent. He didn't want to do any sort of manual labor or serve others, as he craved comfortable control. He eventually became a toll booth operator, where he enjoyed sitting in his high chair, making people pay him so that he would grant them passage. Over time he grew bold and began to use his own judgment on what vehicles would pay him for his blessing to cross.

One day, two semi-tractor trailer beverage trucks were in his line, a Pepsi truck in front, and a Coke truck behind. The Pepsi truck pulled up and he said "Pepsi truck, you may pass for free." The Pepsi truck driver happily accepted, and over his CB radio told the Coke truck driver “This guy just let me through for free!”. When the Coke truck pulled up, hoping to also pass for free, the toll booth dictator said "Coke truck, you will pay me 100 of your American dollars."

The Coke truck driver was livid, and said "You let that Pepsi truck pass for free! You want me to pay 100 dollars?! That’s outrageous! I am going to report this! What is your name?!" Our toll booth operator proudly replied "Ayatollah Cokemainly."