It was outstanding in it's field.
Somebody take a fence
He’s listed in serious but stable condition.
For a closet racist.
...he’s really a big lyre.
“Sorry, mister,” he said. “I’m up to my ears in work.”
He was terrible with directions.
and turned into a field!
Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh
It had me fondly thinking back to the time years ago when my friend Mitchell and I toured four of the five Great Lakes one summer.
I wonder if I’ll ever see Mitch again?
When we were Christmas shopping for our kids, we went to target. After walking around for a while I got bored and eventually found a bouncy ball. It was a small inflatable basketball about tennis ball sized and being inflated instead of solid rubber, it made a louder noise when it hit the ground.
We were walking around and I was bouncing the ball. My wife got visibly irritated at the constant noise following her around and told me to please put it down. I bounced it again and said "I'm trying, but every time I do, it comes back up into my hand"
Que the groan.
A pink carnation
The dad said “it’s a home-in-one”
Dad: How many dead people are in there?
Me: I have no idea
Dad: Hopefully all of them are.
Lame, I know, but this actually happened to me when I was 12
There’s no going back now.
I was dad on arrival.
These days everyone drives cars and only the rich own horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
I looked at her and said “I’m trying very hard, but I don’t feel the need to go there”.
She didn’t say much to me the rest of our trip.
"Primary?"
"No, he's in college."
GF: A shoe!
Me: Bless you
Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
I thought "I don't have time for that"
I think it was farmer geddon
I'll always remember that sandy Eggo trip.
He had carpool tunnel syndrome.
I asked "Which one are you then?"
Because they saw the sign, "Disney Land left"
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
I should have concentrated on the road.
Good thing I opened the garage door first.
Credit goes to my co worker, who made me cringe very much so.
One of them is lying
I told him, "I'm too tall for the lower car."
Sounds like a pretty good deal
"You know, a lot of people would just die to get into there."
I retired since then
"Oh no! We only have 10 feet! Better turn back."
...he’s really a big lyre.
There’s no turning back now.
There’s no going back now.
There’s no going back now.
