What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
What do you call the security in a Samsung Store?
π︎ 509
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because dawn is tough on Greece.
π︎ 390
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
Do u know how the roman empire was cut in half?-------How?-------With a pair of Caesars!!!!
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
My friend works in IT and I asked him, βHow do you make a motherboard?β
He said, βI usually tell her about my job.β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
An Ambulance, immediately!
π︎ 97
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?
Easy. Just look for fresh prints.
π︎ 78
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
What kind of batteries do they use in Canada?
π︎ 126
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
How do you tell the sex of an ant? You drop it in water. It sinks: girl ant. It floats:...
π︎ 506
π
︎ Sep 25 2020
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
Why do we say break a leg in the theatre?
Its because everyone in the play is in a cast
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
Do you know the top 15 states to live in?
Alaska, Washington, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, & Maine
π︎ 22
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
What do Cats and Pirates both have in common?
They both like Yarrrrrr'n
π︎ 27
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
I found a $20 bill in the parking lot of the grocery store. I asked myself, what would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
How do you split the ocean in half?
π︎ 341
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peek-A-Boo accident?
π︎ 97
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
How do you stop Canadian bacon curling in the pan?
You take away their brooms
π︎ 47
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
How do you throw a party in space?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it!
π︎ 45
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
What do you call alcoholics anonymous in Canada?
π︎ 34
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
What do The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
Do you have any idea what they do to eggs in prison?
I'll tell you thisβ It ain't over easy.
π︎ 64
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
How do you make someone do something 18 times in a row?
>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
What do you call a 60-year old flying in a jet- fighter?
π︎ 595
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
When geese fly in a V formation, one side is always longer than the other. Do you know why that is?
There are more birds on that side.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
What do you call a bodybuilder in jail?
π︎ 50
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
Where do vegans sit in a restaurant?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
What do you call a rival in picture taking?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
So proud of my daughter for this one... "Why do fishes swim in salt water?"
Because pepper would make them sneeze!
She's six. She's awesome.
EDIT: Woo highest rated post, thanks to my kid. Also, I never said she wrote it! She just told it to me. So there.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Jun 03 2020
I made this video in good humor only... please do not take it as offense in any way, shape, or form!
Life as a Stay at Home Dad (honest humor nothing against Stay at Home Dads)
As as an aspiring father figure, I have the greatest respect for dads of every kind. In fact, much of this stems from the fact Iβve grown up from the age of 6 without a father of my own. I made this video as a comical representation of what I hope to be one day: a guy full of dad jokes and such humor.
Thank you for reading and enjoy!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they are good buoys.
π︎ 257
π
︎ Sep 01 2020
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?
Bearritos.
This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jun 05 2020
What kind of room do speed racers stay in?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
What do they call Halloween in Australia?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
What kind of floors do Ghosts prefer in their homes?
Bam-Boo floors.
Happy Halloween to all!
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
How do we know that a tree makes a sound if it falls in the forest?
Because it will dialogue.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
What do mathematicians do in the restroom?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
What do classical musicians like to read in bed?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
Why do the British leave out the βtβ in βbottleβ?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
What time do they use in space?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
What do you call a selfie thatβs so good you put it in a frame?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
What do blm protestors and cod players have in common?
They both hate people who use riot shields
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
Why do sharks live in saltwater?
Because pepperwater makes them sneeze.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
How do you know Jesus wasn't born in America?
They needed 3 wise men and a virgin
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
In honor of the occasion. What do you call witches who live together?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
What do you call it when people in Russia are split up?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
What do you say to a cow when its in the road
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a pool?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
What language do dumpsters talk in?
Trash talk!
(My little brother made this joke, I'm proud of him)
π︎ 41
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
How do you call a dinosaur that works in the operation room?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
I told my wife I want to give up my high paying computer programming job to become a farmer. Astounded, she asked, βWhy in the world would you want to do that?β I replied,
βItβs a growing industry.β
π︎ 22
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
What do you find in a clean nose?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
What do you call a fear of Germans in tight spaces?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 06 2020
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
What do you call a popsicle with booze in it?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
What do impostors do In front of therapists?
π︎ 19
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
What do you call a Reddit post that oxidizes sugar and results in a nutty brown flavour?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
π︎ 60
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
What language do wizards write in?
Cursive.
(It's my 7 year old's joke)
π︎ 31
π
︎ Oct 09 2020
What do you get when you mix alcohol with pressure in a small space?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
What do you call a group of cats in a queue?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
Which legume do you find in women's toilets?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 10 2020
What do call a melon that has to get married in a church?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
What do guitarists and cleaners have in common?
Theyβre both good at sweeping
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
What do a world-renowned scientist and a grazing cow have in common?
They are both out-standing in their fields.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
Where do all the comedians in Japan live?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
What do you call a cat in a Tie Fighter?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
Why do valley girls only hang out in odd numbers?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Sep 29 2020
What do you call a monkey caught in a knot?
π︎ 25
π
︎ Sep 26 2020
How do you take school pictures in 2020?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
π︎ 150
π
︎ Aug 09 2020
What do you call two people arguing in a sauna?
π︎ 145
π
︎ Aug 17 2020
What do you tell a Jedi-in-training that struggles to use chopsticks at a Chinese buffet?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Sep 18 2020
What do you call a commander in Mcdonalds army?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
What do you call a bedpan in Russia?
π︎ 350
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 10 2020
What do you call a guinea pig that partakes in organized crime?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
What do you call the biggest size of soup you can order in restaurants?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
What do you call a donkey in space
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 10 2020
My young son and I were having our first discussion about drugs. He was curious about why people would do drugs in the first place, and I told him that many people do it because it produces different feelings of euphoria. He asked, "what's euphoria?" I told him that it was hard to explain...
But it's a feeling somewhere between euthreeia and eufiveia.
π︎ 80
π
︎ Sep 01 2020
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
π︎ 111
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?
You look for the fresh prints
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
What do Cats and Pirates have in common?
They both like Yarrrrrr'n
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
How do you have a party in Space??
π︎ 422
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints!
π︎ 32
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?
Bearritos.
This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
Where do you take someone whoβs been injured in a peak-a-boo accident?
π︎ 21k
π
︎ May 02 2020
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They both have the same middle name."
π︎ 27
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms π§Ή
π︎ 331
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
