What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
ποΈ 8k
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οΈ Oct 13 2020
What do you call the security in a Samsung Store?
ποΈ 509
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οΈ Oct 29 2020
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because dawn is tough on Greece.
ποΈ 390
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οΈ Oct 30 2020
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
ποΈ 11k
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οΈ Sep 05 2020
Do u know how the roman empire was cut in half?-------How?-------With a pair of Caesars!!!!
ποΈ 2k
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οΈ Sep 27 2020
My friend works in IT and I asked him, βHow do you make a motherboard?β
He said, βI usually tell her about my job.β
ποΈ 16k
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οΈ Aug 11 2020
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
An Ambulance, immediately!
ποΈ 97
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οΈ Oct 23 2020
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?
Easy. Just look for fresh prints.
ποΈ 78
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οΈ Oct 26 2020
What kind of batteries do they use in Canada?
ποΈ 126
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οΈ Oct 07 2020
How do you tell the sex of an ant? You drop it in water. It sinks: girl ant. It floats:...
ποΈ 506
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οΈ Sep 25 2020
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
ποΈ 11k
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οΈ Aug 03 2020
Why do we say break a leg in the theatre?
Its because everyone in the play is in a cast
ποΈ 14
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οΈ Oct 25 2020
Do you know the top 15 states to live in?
Alaska, Washington, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, & Maine
ποΈ 22
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οΈ Oct 15 2020
What do Cats and Pirates both have in common?
They both like Yarrrrrr'n
ποΈ 27
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οΈ Oct 31 2020
I found a $20 bill in the parking lot of the grocery store. I asked myself, what would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.
ποΈ 19
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οΈ Oct 19 2020
How do you split the ocean in half?
ποΈ 341
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οΈ Sep 21 2020
Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peek-A-Boo accident?
ποΈ 97
π
οΈ Oct 13 2020
How do you stop Canadian bacon curling in the pan?
You take away their brooms
ποΈ 47
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οΈ Oct 27 2020
How do you throw a party in space?
ποΈ 14
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οΈ Oct 22 2020
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it!
ποΈ 45
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οΈ Oct 24 2020
What do you call alcoholics anonymous in Canada?
ποΈ 34
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οΈ Oct 24 2020
What do The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?
ποΈ 6k
π
οΈ Jul 30 2020
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
ποΈ 18k
π
οΈ Jun 22 2020
Do you have any idea what they do to eggs in prison?
I'll tell you thisβ It ain't over easy.
ποΈ 64
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οΈ Oct 01 2020
How do you make someone do something 18 times in a row?
>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<
ποΈ 15
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οΈ Oct 19 2020
What do you call a 60-year old flying in a jet- fighter?
ποΈ 595
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οΈ Aug 24 2020
When geese fly in a V formation, one side is always longer than the other. Do you know why that is?
There are more birds on that side.
ποΈ 10
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οΈ Oct 29 2020
What do you call a bodybuilder in jail?
ποΈ 50
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οΈ Oct 05 2020
Where do vegans sit in a restaurant?
ποΈ 23
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οΈ Oct 26 2020
What do you call a rival in picture taking?
ποΈ 2
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οΈ Oct 26 2020
So proud of my daughter for this one... "Why do fishes swim in salt water?"
Because pepper would make them sneeze!
She's six. She's awesome.
EDIT: Woo highest rated post, thanks to my kid. Also, I never said she wrote it! She just told it to me. So there.
ποΈ 16k
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οΈ Jun 03 2020
I made this video in good humor only... please do not take it as offense in any way, shape, or form!
Life as a Stay at Home Dad (honest humor nothing against Stay at Home Dads)
As as an aspiring father figure, I have the greatest respect for dads of every kind. In fact, much of this stems from the fact Iβve grown up from the age of 6 without a father of my own. I made this video as a comical representation of what I hope to be one day: a guy full of dad jokes and such humor.
Thank you for reading and enjoy!
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Oct 29 2020
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they are good buoys.
ποΈ 257
π
οΈ Sep 01 2020
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?
Bearritos.
This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Oct 17 2020
What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?
ποΈ 12k
π
οΈ Jun 05 2020
What kind of room do speed racers stay in?
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Oct 19 2020
What do they call Halloween in Australia?
ποΈ 15
π
οΈ Oct 31 2020
What kind of floors do Ghosts prefer in their homes?
Bam-Boo floors.
Happy Halloween to all!
ποΈ 18
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οΈ Oct 28 2020
How do we know that a tree makes a sound if it falls in the forest?
Because it will dialogue.
ποΈ 9
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οΈ Oct 24 2020
What do mathematicians do in the restroom?
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Oct 27 2020
What do classical musicians like to read in bed?
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Oct 29 2020
Why do the British leave out the βtβ in βbottleβ?
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Oct 26 2020
What time do they use in space?
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Oct 29 2020
What do you call a selfie thatβs so good you put it in a frame?
ποΈ 23
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οΈ Oct 25 2020
What do blm protestors and cod players have in common?
They both hate people who use riot shields
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Nov 01 2020
Why do sharks live in saltwater?
Because pepperwater makes them sneeze.
ποΈ 17
π
οΈ Oct 25 2020
How do you know Jesus wasn't born in America?
They needed 3 wise men and a virgin
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Oct 17 2020
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Oct 20 2020
In honor of the occasion. What do you call witches who live together?
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Oct 31 2020
What do you call it when people in Russia are split up?
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Oct 21 2020
What do you say to a cow when its in the road
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Oct 29 2020
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a pool?
ποΈ 8
π
οΈ Sep 19 2020
What language do dumpsters talk in?
Trash talk!
(My little brother made this joke, I'm proud of him)
ποΈ 41
π
οΈ Sep 27 2020
How do you call a dinosaur that works in the operation room?
ποΈ 3
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οΈ Oct 15 2020
I told my wife I want to give up my high paying computer programming job to become a farmer. Astounded, she asked, βWhy in the world would you want to do that?β I replied,
βItβs a growing industry.β
ποΈ 22
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οΈ Sep 08 2020
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
ποΈ 11
π
οΈ Oct 19 2020
What do you find in a clean nose?
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Oct 24 2020
What do you call a fear of Germans in tight spaces?
ποΈ 8
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οΈ Oct 06 2020
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Sep 19 2020
What do you call a popsicle with booze in it?
ποΈ 15
π
οΈ Oct 17 2020
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
ποΈ 20
π
οΈ Sep 28 2020
What do impostors do In front of therapists?
ποΈ 19
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οΈ Oct 05 2020
What do you call a Reddit post that oxidizes sugar and results in a nutty brown flavour?
ποΈ 12
π
οΈ Oct 17 2020
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
ποΈ 60
π
οΈ Sep 19 2020
What language do wizards write in?
Cursive.
(It's my 7 year old's joke)
ποΈ 31
π
οΈ Oct 09 2020
What do you get when you mix alcohol with pressure in a small space?
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Oct 23 2020
What do you call a group of cats in a queue?
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Oct 04 2020
Which legume do you find in women's toilets?
ποΈ 15
π
οΈ Oct 10 2020
What do call a melon that has to get married in a church?
ποΈ 14
π
οΈ Oct 12 2020
What do guitarists and cleaners have in common?
Theyβre both good at sweeping
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Oct 20 2020
What do a world-renowned scientist and a grazing cow have in common?
They are both out-standing in their fields.
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Oct 23 2020
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Oct 14 2020
Where do all the comedians in Japan live?
ποΈ 8
π
οΈ Oct 12 2020
What do you call a cat in a Tie Fighter?
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Oct 19 2020
Why do valley girls only hang out in odd numbers?
ποΈ 12
π
οΈ Sep 29 2020
What do you call a monkey caught in a knot?
ποΈ 25
π
οΈ Sep 26 2020
How do you take school pictures in 2020?
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Oct 01 2020
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
ποΈ 150
π
οΈ Aug 09 2020
What do you call two people arguing in a sauna?
ποΈ 145
π
οΈ Aug 17 2020
What do you tell a Jedi-in-training that struggles to use chopsticks at a Chinese buffet?
ποΈ 23
π
οΈ Sep 18 2020
What do you call a commander in Mcdonalds army?
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Oct 02 2020
What do you call a bedpan in Russia?
ποΈ 350
π
οΈ Jul 30 2020
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Oct 10 2020
What do you call a guinea pig that partakes in organized crime?
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Aug 30 2020
What do you call the biggest size of soup you can order in restaurants?
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Sep 09 2020
What do you call a donkey in space
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Oct 10 2020
My young son and I were having our first discussion about drugs. He was curious about why people would do drugs in the first place, and I told him that many people do it because it produces different feelings of euphoria. He asked, "what's euphoria?" I told him that it was hard to explain...
But it's a feeling somewhere between euthreeia and eufiveia.
ποΈ 80
π
οΈ Sep 01 2020
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Oct 11 2020
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
ποΈ 111
π
οΈ Oct 14 2020
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?
You look for the fresh prints
ποΈ 14
π
οΈ Oct 29 2020
What do Cats and Pirates have in common?
They both like Yarrrrrr'n
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Oct 30 2020
How do you have a party in Space??
ποΈ 422
π
οΈ Aug 30 2020
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints!
ποΈ 32
π
οΈ Oct 29 2020
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?
Bearritos.
This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Oct 17 2020
Where do you take someone whoβs been injured in a peak-a-boo accident?
ποΈ 21k
π
οΈ May 02 2020
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They both have the same middle name."
ποΈ 27
π
οΈ Sep 16 2020
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms π§Ή
ποΈ 331
π
οΈ Aug 01 2020
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