It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.
The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...
ahem...
Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.
Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.
Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.
The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.
That's the theory, at least.
Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.
Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out
... keep reading on reddit ➡Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.
"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.
"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.
They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.
"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.
"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.
"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.
"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"
"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."
"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.
"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."
As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.
"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.
"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."
"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.
"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.
"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.
"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.
"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.
"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."
When a 2 seater Cessna plane crashed into a graveyard. Police have recovered 386 bodies so far, and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the night
You dig your feet into the sand.
Then you have buried toes.
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
- Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
- It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
- What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
- Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
- Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
- Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
- If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
- Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
- Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
- American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
- The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
- Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
- Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
- Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
- Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
- Rittal me this, Batman!
- Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
- Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
- If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
- When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
- You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
- Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
- Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
- Don't think Seton is
So yesterday at work my boss decided to bring a pumpkin and pecan pie into our office for everyone to share. As i'm handed my piece and start to dig in to this glorious, delicious pie I say "I Pe-can't believe how good this pie is!"
Everyone bowed their heads in shame but I raised mine in victory.
My son is 14 but he still picks his nose. A lot. He also eats it after. A lot. Grosses me out to the extreme, so I rib him about it hoping he'll stop, even using bribery, but no progress yet.
A couple of nights ago I saw him doing it again out of the corner of my eye, then he suddenly got up and ran into the kitchen for a napkin. Yup, bloody nose, no surprise there.
"Find what you were digging for?" I asked him.
"No," he says. "I was digging for gold but struck oil."
I spent a good portion of my youth rolling my eyes at my father's jokes. But deep down, I loved 'em. I have a great Dad. But I'm not really the best at saying "I love you". I was reading /r/dadjokes recently and I had an idea. I should turn my Dad's favorite joke into a t-shirt. Then, on Father's Day, I could video chat with him while I wear the shirt.
I think he would love the shit out of that, you know? Like, maybe he will think "Wow, my son gets it. He actually likes my humor!"
Then I thought, I could turn a bunch of these jokes into shirts. So I did. You can see them here:
http://www.funnyshirts.org/s/dadjokes
And then I thought, man, if I could get more people to do nothing else on Father's Day but to embrace their Dad's sense of humor... that would be pretty cool. It would make a lot of Dads happy.
So I wrote the Dad Joke Manifesto:
http://dadjokemanifesto.tumblr.com/themanifesto
You don't have to use t-shirts. Just make a good joke. Employ puns. Think about your Dad's style, his favorite joke, and embrace it.
If you can dig it, then join the movement. Send me your favorite Dad Jokes. Join us on:
If nothing else, follow along for some good dad jokes.
We were at the register and the cashier says "Oh my gosh! You *pointing at my sister* look like the girl from The Last Exorcism!"
After a little semi-awkward dialogue, I asked if the cashier was talking about the person who gets exercised in the film, and she says yes.
Without skipping a beat, I look over to my sister and say "THAT MAKES YOU MY EXORSISTER!"
She then digs her face into the counter with the "Yup. This is what I live with" face
In the dining room during lunch after giving my elder residents desert which was Angel food cake, everyone noticed that the cake was very flat and thin.
One of the ladies said "This is no angel food cake, this is...."
Without missing a beat, this old man with a patch on his right eye interrupts the little old woman and says at the top of his lungs in a raspy, yet clear tone , "I'll tell you what this is!. It's a fallen angel!"
Everyone in the dining room laughed uncontrollably. Not him. He just shakes his head and digs into the cake.
I immediately thought of you guys.
We were on a tour in China and at dinner, a guide announced that for the trip into the desert the next day they were going to dig us some make-shift restrooms.
My dad leans over to me and says "Ohhhhh, make-shift!" and we both lost it.
