I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
My sister didn't get my pun
I tried dating a communist, but it didn’t work out.
There were too many red flags.
My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it.
His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"
"Or should I spread them apart?"
I posted something on here the other day and didn’t get a single upvote
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in the crack.
4 men were sitting in a boat about to smoke a cigarette, when they realized they didn't have a cigarette lighter.
So, they threw one cigarette off their boat and the boat became one cigarette lighter.
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
What would mustard say when he didn’t see his sauce friend in a while?
Oh, seems we got lots of KETCHUP to do!
My friend became monk recently. I asked him if he'd take a vow of silence, but he didn't answer
I guess it goes without saying
I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break.
This is because concrete floors are really hard.
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldn’t! wouldn’t! couldn’t! didn’t! can’t! The doctor says "don't worry."
“Those are just contractions.”
I hope I didn't burger this one up!
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.
That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
My wife thinks I got a haircut. But I didn’t.
My first attempt at making rye bread didn’t turn out great...
... guess something went awry
My father just dropped off a wok he didn’t need.
He texted me to warn me that it was an old school, analog wok, not an Ewok.
Why didn't the tire tell his joke?
Why didn't the captain of the Titanic think to melt the iceberg?
Why didn’t the helicopter like flying in the morning?
I didn't get the joke about the pink zeppelin
It went right over my head
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
My relationship with the woman I met bungee jumping didn't last long.
As we were both on the rebound.
My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......
They tried to sack her, and she didn’t have a leg to stand on...
Don’t know how to properly share with this but I have included the name of the original, most people didn’t get it(third line)
Turned on the US News and didn't realize...
That there was a new Gerard Butler movie: "Capitol Hill has Fallen"
My friend wagered that I didn't know another word for aiding in a wrongdoing...
I didn’t want to get too cocky
So I only wished for a medium dick.
It’s still small, but now it can talk to ghosts.
My Dr didn’t immediately treat my poison ivy reaction.
He doesn’t like to make rash decisions.
My kid said he didn’t want the tri tip I bought him for dinner
So I told him if he didn’t eat, his life would be at steak
I tried to invent an indestructible piece of paper. It didn't go well...
Well I walked right into that one didn't I
I didn't tie the knot till I was 38
I am hopeless with shoelaces.
Why didn't the sun go to college?
It already has like a million degrees!
I didn't think a vasectomy would change my life that much...
A preacher with a lisp hired a sinner to paint his church. To save money, the sinner man added water into the paint can. It didn’t work well. The preacher told him:
Young man, you need to repaint and thin no more.
Bet choo didn't see that coming
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing stuff from his highway maintenance job.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing street names right off the posts.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
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