No pinchin'
It just needs a little Polish
she wanted his fiance to mari_nate.
He stalled for time.
Postponed Malone
It's on paperview
Pleased form an orderly,orderly,orderly,orderly queue.
Son: Wow that stream is really rush'en.
Me: oh good that is so much better than German.
I just had to pick a country real quick not trying to make any statement....
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
I said I'd tell him later
The doctor says it's terminal.
Our pilot must have been flying.
Guess the plan just didn't unfold.
They keep sending me empty bottles.
"If they haven't yet, its probably because Amazon shipping has been delayed." I said.
As she was laughing, I shrugged. "I thought that was a good one. I just came to me," I paused, "Probably because I have Prime."
Kept on insisting that I had promised to build him a treehouse but I don't remember evergreening this elm of a contract. Though he kept inisisting I had birch the agreement due to the long delay but my attempt to confern the fertility of the spruce was in roots. Now I have to oak up and face the spruce. My weekend has been soiled and I now have to maple my son's treehouse whilst I willow my day away. Although... Now that I twig about it, having a treehouse in my yard sounds like a pine idea.
They had a severe case of a reptile dysfunction.
Lagolas
"...hare today, gone tomorrow."
So last night we were brushing our teeth before going to bed, and I ask her "You know why eating a clock is a bad idea?"
She looks at me funny, because she knows what's coming.
"Because it's very time consuming."
She just rolls her eyes, and goes to bed. But because the joke was in English, and English isn't our first language, I think she didn't quite get it.
A minute after she lies down, I hear a loud groan coming out of bed, followed by "that was really, really lame, honey!"
My girlfriend is having her bridesmaid dress altered, but they pushed back the finish date. The wedding is next week.
I looked at her and said, "That's cutting it close."
It hit so hard that she might be pregnant (I'm not a dad).
Me: The delay was cause they said it was icy. (It wasn't icy at all in reality)
Her: Icy, my ass!
Me: I see your ass, too ;)
Cheese shredder broke last week - ordered a new, fancier one. Snow slowed the shipment down.
Emailed wife: "Shredder is delayed - I bring you this news with grate sadness."
"better than to find that it took of 50 minutes early before you arrived"
Fivever.
Thanks for all the upvotes! This is an original, so thanks to you guys I'm quitting my job and leaving my family to pursue a career in comedy! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJy234H5YDlFASQfx6mLWLg
There was a captain that was roused from his cabin by a commotion on his ship.
He ran out and yelled “Whats going on?!"
His first mate replied “We Have Octopuses on the poop deck, captain!”
The Captain looked around as a few squid scurried around the deck and said “Inform the passengers that our arrival to shore will be delayed due to... tentacle difficulties."
We were Skyping, and I was trying to figure out the delay between the audio and the video. I said "ping", as I often do when this issue occurs, and she replies "ping" back to signal when she heard me. Sometimes, when she doesn't do it the first time, it gets confusing and I don't know which one she is responding to.
So I switched my word to "taco" in the hopes that it'd break the cycle. No go. She goofed it again.
When I said "I give up", she said "Wait! Let's taco 'bout this."
I love that girl.
I did not pull my frozen food from the freezer in time for the big dinner. That was not well thawed out.
It was kind of late, really. I was expecting one a few weeks ago.
They've got some serious jetlag.
He's been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he's come down with a sore throat and can't hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.
"I'm sorry," says the director, "but we can't delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I'll let you in on a little opera house secret." The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. "Drink this. It's a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again."
The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. "Euch! This is... awful! What's in this tea anyways?"
"Well, it's a secret herbal tea blend made with... well... fish broth." The director replies. "Tuna, specifically. We've found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we've tried."
Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.
At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. "So... what did you think? Did I get the part or not?" He asks.
"I'm sorry," said the director, "you performed well, but we've decided to give the part to someone else."
"That's OK," the man says, "I'm just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea."
My son woke me up early Saturday to show me a picture he’d drawn of a cross.
Me (half asleep): Awesome job! Looks great.
Son: Thanks! It’s not just a cross, you know...
Me: Is it also down?
His confusion and delayed groan was music to my ears as I fell back to sleep.
He was on delay
But there was a shipping delay
So I was on the red-eye flying overseas to meet my buddies for an epic roadtrip adventure. I got me a first class ticket because YOLO and I always wanted to try those convertible seat/beds.
So in the morning the flight attendants serve breakfast, which includes this tasty soup with poached egg in it. They offered drinks and they had champagne so I thought why the hell not.
There were delays and when we finally landed and I got to our meet up place, my mates were already there and gotten the bong out.
They said, "Where were you while we were getting high?"
"I was having..." and I turned to them, took my sunglasses off, and said, "champagne, soup and ova in the sky."
We skip most of the football due to the annoying announcers, confusing rules and frequent replay delays, but I was able to come up with an answer when he asked what happens when both teams fail to score in OT. It’s a tie, Dad.
My reply was "I'm sure Weed Growth's parents would prefer to refer to them as developmentally delayed."
Back story: I work as a bartender at a bar that is right after you exit security at International Arrivals at an airport.
Had several customers sitting at the bar, and we were all talking about how Lufthansa pilots are going on strike, and there's been a lot of cancelled plans/major delays in the last few days.
Customer: I don't know what's going on! Must be something in the air.
Me: You mean there's nothing in the air.
Cue entire bar groaning. Got a few good tips out of it.
"Aren't they always?"
Wife groaned. Wife's friend had the delayed giggles. Good times.
After hearing my flight had been delayed for the second time I went up to the gate check-in desk.
Me: "What are the chances the flight is cancelled?"
Guy working the desk: "Can't say for certain, it's up in the air right now."
After a feeding, my beautiful wife went to burp our seven month old son. He let out a gnarly burp, right in her face, to which she said, "Ew. That burp was foul, kid."
I replied with, "Did you feed him chicken salad?"
A delayed, angry smirk was a welcomed response.
It’s on Paperview!
