I think she is in love with me.
Because only paper beats rock.
My hunger is astronomnomnomical
Wednesday is open Mike night.
Wife: if I go outside and all our mugs are on the lawn I want a divorce
Me: sips coffee from a bowl
Because it’s in the past
A cue queue
You just follow the fresh prints.
The cast, made up of high-profile action stars, were choosing their roles.
Sylvester Stallone went "I want to be Mozart!". Bruce Willis said "Then I'll be Beethoven!" and Jean -Claude Van Damme, "I'll go with Tchaikovsky".
After a moment of silence, Arnold Schwarzenegger stood up, looked at everyone in the room, and said "I'll be Bach".
This was a few years ago, but my father-in-law loves to tell this story:
He witnessed a car accident at a 4-way stop. Nothing serious, just a fender-bender. The car who had run the stop sign drove off. My FIL pulled over, of course, checked on the driver of the other car, and offered to call the police.
And then he saw it. Laying on the pavement, right at the spot of the impact, was the other car's license plate. He quietly picked it up, set it in his car, and hoped he would get the right set-up.
He was not disappointed. After giving the officer his description of the accident, the officer asked, "Did you happen to get the license plate of the other car?"
FIL, totally deadpan, says, "Why, as a matter of fact..." as he reaches into his car and pulls out the license plate, "I've got it right here."
As if on cue, another officer at the scene came walking up right at that moment, asking, "Was he able to get the plates?"
FIL holds the plate up higher, points to it, "Yep, right here!"
Peak dad joke.
An Appalachian appellation.
he gets a ball stuck in his throat.
He goes to the hospital and gasps to the nurse "Help please, I have a snooker ball stuck in my throat"
She replies "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to get to the end of the cue"
7 y.o. Son: Dad, did you know dragonflies can see 33 feet?!
Me: Wow that’s amazing! I can barely see my own 2 feet…
Cue wife’s eye roll.
The size of her booty.
Because they kept trying to read between the lines
Having roast pork for Sunday dinner, which needed to be scored to make crackling:
Mum: The meat needs to be scored.
Dad: 5 out of 10.
He said, “It’s between the c and the u.”
That can't just be a coincidence.
A Barbie-cue
(Courtesy of my 11 year old niece)
A pool table.
She said, “Right after the C.”
Nurse: “No change yet”
I still have both of my feet
She was brushing my hair with a toy brush as my wife looked on from the other side of the sectional.
My daughter (5) decided that she didn’t want to use the brush anymore and grabbed the Roku controller.
As she began running the controller through my hair, my wife said “hey! That’s not even a brush!”
I replied “give her a break. She’s working REMOTELY!”
Cue the groans.
Cue about 10mins of me asking "What's her name?"
And her saying "Mrs Watt"
"I don't know, you tell me, what's her name?"
"Mrs Watt"
"What?"
"Yes"
"What's her name?"
"Mrs Watt"
...
...
...
I’m not sure why she is hitting on me.
Comic sans
Son: Oh. Looks like I dropped them
There was a Cue-ban.
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas
He got hit by a brAND NEW CAAAAAR!
This was actually a reverse Dad joke.
Dad and I were riding in his car maybe 20 years ago, and we started talking about "The royal 'we'". As in the statement "We are not amused".
-
Dad: "Do you think the queen ever uses the word "I"?"
-
Me: "Aye."
Cue a beaming proud dad face.
Apologized and said "sorry I'm drunk " he said "nice to meet you drunk I'm drunk too"
For a bit of context, in human anatomy the chin is referred to as “mental” which is why the area below the chin is considered “sub mental.”
So I am in Anatomy Lab which is being held on Zoom due to Covid, and this is our last lab session for the semester before we transition to Neuro Lab for the remainder of the semester.
So all of my anatomy professors are present and the professor asks “Are there any questions before we begin?”
me bursting at the seams with this joke I’ve been sitting on for 2 weeks
“Yes Professor I wanted to ask, is your chin okay?” “My…my chin?” “Yea, I was told that if you care about someone, you should check on their mental health, you know?” cue the professors all slowly getting the joke before they all start laughing out loud
I got a mix of groans from fellow classmates and praise from professors for being clever. My professor asked where my kid was, as this was a textbook dad joke.
I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as my professors did. It was a golden opportunity that I couldn’t pass up.
He was telling us that his son is back into baseball and does conditioning 4 days a week. I said, "Why so much? The kids hair can only get so soft."
Cue the blank stares and one person laughing.
I asked, "It wasn't wearing a mask was it?" She replied, "No, it wasn't." I said, "It probably died of Crowvid then." <Cue groans from daughter>
"Yes, I'm not kidding you."
But it Gru on me
Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
But I found the cue cumbersome.
Just lettuce alone
They both say "cue Cumberbatch".
I think she’s in love with me.
