I told him that I would be happy to consider LASIK, but wondered how it would help us potty train him?
A Vibe Rater.
“chickenkiev”
He didn't want to foursome.
They wanted to eliminate waist products.
He was making a pound cake
I was at a restaurant with a friend and my girlfriend yesterday for an early dinner and we started discussing the difficulties of being a teacher. My friend then said "i just don't have the patience to be a teacher." I hesitated for a second, out of cowardice, but then replied with "teachers have students, not patients." There were lots of cringes. My girlfriend actually laughed and then said aloud that she hated herself for doing so. I think she's a keeper. :)
Pledge, of Allegiance
Doctors, Dentists, and really anyone in the medical field. More patients = more money
these are all real. Some are made by me, some are not (ones with an "*" are mine.).
/r/NoPuns is a sub where posting puns will get you a ban.
/r/NoNoPuns is a sub for people banned from /r/NoPuns.
/r/NoNoNoPuns is a sub for people who weren't. *
/r/NoNoNoNoPuns is a sub where puns are mandatory.
/r/NoNoNoNoNoPuns is a sub where requiring puns is banned. *
A good pun is like a good cake: it has many layers. Subreddits are the same.
Dad: Okay, but how the hell do I know if it’s raining in Sweden?
If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see.
This is called the Wurst-Käse Scenario.
Your grades need to be above C-level
Global chaos ensues.
The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
So, WHO let the dogs out.
But everyone in the Navy can fathom it.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Does the search for caviar require a roe boat?
We come in pieces.
It requires a lot of monet.
There’s a steep learning curve.
They pared up nicely.
I had forgotten that contactless delivery was required.
So they can administer poetic justice.
Just practice safe sects.
It was called Diffi cult.
I didn't have one so I tied a set of jumper cables around my neck instead. The doorman looked me up and down warily and begrudgingly said, "Alright you can come in but don't start anything".
should have handled that better.
In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:
-
Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.
-
Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.
-
Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.
Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.
In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.
It'll keep all the people dying to get in out.
As they say, no harm, no fowl.
It's so they can scan-da-navy-in.
I've had it up to here.
It's Cole's Law.
now I drink for evil.
performing as a group requires a lot of en-orgy...
I'm doing a hitch hiking face across Europe this winter. There are 60 teams and a prize for the best team name. The race finishes in Prague and I can't think of a name! Anyone got any ideas?
The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
it's what it's
The bird flu requires tweetment but the swine flu just requires a little oinkment.
At the job interview, the manager of the company greeted the applicant and upon noticing his facial hair, promptly asked the man how attached he was to the beard.
The man, tugging on his facial hair, replied “very.”
https://i.redd.it/b3701faordg01.jpg
Yes, it was the biggest eye-roll anyone has ever seen.
One has claws at the end of its paws, one is a pause at the end of a clause
They have the right to bare arms.
A fake duolingo account made a post with a grammatical error. I corrected them, and here's the resulting joke
Anon- "duolingo is fluent in language, not grammar" Me- "languages require grammar... Czech mate"
A brilliant man created a new chainsaw that only required 5 grams of sodium chloride and just one AA battery to work. It was charged with a salt and battery.
A low "ha" is required.
He was found dead with a brass handle in his hand.
They’re calling it the Mystery of the Knock-Less Mobster.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?
Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
It was no small feat.
The interviewer asked "Do you have a criminal record?"
"No. Is that still required?"
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.
Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.
As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."
As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".
Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.
Her- "Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!"
Me- "Inflation"
I think I made an impression.
A skeleton crew.
The lamp is then fastened by the sea, just so none of the townsfolk get into trouble. One day, an inquisitive young chap opens the lamp and the wizard starts wreaking havoc upon the town. All the scientists gather and decide to chemically dissolve the lamp. But all the chemicals they have fail to work. They try to burn it, melt it and what not but nothing works. Finally one scientist says “I know exactly what we should do. Pour excessive chemicals and try to dissolve it. I know we’ve tried it before but let’s give it another shot.” They bring in acids and other corrosives from the neighbouring cities and pour it on the lamp and it successfully dissolves and the wizard disappears. Everyone is amazed and asks the scientist “How did you know about the extra chemicals?” The bald, black scientist looks at them and says “Oh that’s easy. Moored urn problems require more darn solutions.”
The Air Force, because they're US AF.
My wife is having a minor surgery tomorrow that will require her to wear an eye patch for a week. I need enough eye, patch, and pirate related puns to last me a week and eye've only got enough for two days tops. Can you help me?
because he's a neck romancer.
I work in the investigations section of a military police department, and aside from our normal office hours, we have 24hr shifts that cycle through the office, so that there's an investigator present and on-duty 24/7/365.
My co-worker was wrapping up some paperwork this morning, and coming off of his 24 hr shift, and almost dead to the world. At the time, a pair of other investigators in my office were discussing some case that had happened a day or two prior that involved an emancipated juvenile.
I was just logging into my workstation to check my e-mail and I turned to my co-worker and asked, "Hey, so when a juvenile gets emancipated, and he announces it - proclaims it, if you will - what would they call that?"
He stares at me with a blank, uncomprehending expression and I continue, "An emancipation...proclamation? Maybe?"
The annoyed groans of someone who's been up for 24 hours are so satisfying.
First day of the new semester. I'm at my first class, Experimental Statistics. The professor is going over the syllabus and everything then stops for us to do an "exercise."
He tells us to turn to the person next to us and ask them to marry us.
(If you must know, the guy on side me said no. Apparently it was something I said.)
We start to quiet down and wait for the explanation of why 1000 students just asked each other to marriage.
The professor said that it was important for his students to be engaged during class.
Me: No, just toast and coffee.
New girl: "Ugh, I had something ing my shoe last night that I didn't get out before I left this morning."
Me: "Was it your foot?"
One requires tweetment, the other requires oinkment.
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
One gets prescribed oinkment, and the other requires some sort of other tweetment.
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?”
I said “No, is that still required?”
