We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
I’m attracted to all couches...
...guess that makes me pansectional
I finally got my cat to use a scratching post instead of my couch!
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
I painted my couch so you don't see it
What should you absolutely NEVER name a couch store?
he's sleeping on the couch
Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.
After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on. There were reaper cushions.
I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.
What did Hitler name his couch?
I was just sitting on the couch when my friend tells me, “your not even listening to me.”
I thought that’s a very weird way to start a conversation.
What do you call a nut that fell out of your bowl and rolled under the couch?
I've lost 20% of my couch...
I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."
Why do drummers make terrible couch salespeople?
What happens when you make love on a couch?
What do blind folks call couches
Painful, because they can't c.
Finally I can see things far away without leaving the couch
My wife came back from the store complaining about how the lady at the register was a total bitch.
I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
Couch for sale. Fit for a caesar.
I remember when I made a joke about a kid dying. My dad sat me down on the couch and told me in a serious voice "jokes about kids dying young...
I won’t act like I’m not impressed
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
What did the baked couch potato do when the game console locked up?
He pressed the russet button, of course.
I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch?
Wife: Would you please call our children by their name?
I went to the psychiatrist because I keep acting like a dog.
Doc: lie down on the couch and we’ll discuss this.
Me: I’m not allowed on the couch.
Doctor Doctor, I'm convinced I'm a rubber band.
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch over there and tell me all about it.
Why are there broken condoms on the couch, honey?
Stop calling your kids that.
My neighbors couch has been in the hallway for 5 days. I want to attach jokes to the couch but I'm having trouble.
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight...
I had to explain to him that I was married now and that's where I sleep.
What did the couch say when it lost 20% of its body?
I just lost 20% of my couch
I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.
I wasn’t too sure how comfortable my new couch would be.
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