A guy is sitting on his couch bored.

He decides he wants to spice up his day and call his dealer. He asks his dealer, "hey, do you have anything new I haven't tried?" His dealer responds, "I just got some new weed named after old cartoon characters! It's some potent stuff!" The guy accepts this and meets up with the dealer. When he gets back home, he goes to roll a joint and finds that it just doesn't want to stay rolled and keeps coming apart. Frustrated, he calls the dealer back. "This shit just won't stay rolled! What did you sell me?" The dealer responds, "that's just how the scooby doobie do!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahh-potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night

And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.

15/f daughter: β€˜Oh kitty, what are you doing?’

Me: β€˜I think she’s fishing.’


Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine β€˜Daaaad’.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KravMata
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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I’m attracted to all couches...

...guess that makes me pansectional

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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The salesman at the furniture store told me, β€œThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, β€œWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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I painted my couch so you don't see it

Nobody has noticed sofa.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeamSlime2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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A couch potato
πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1WKSoul
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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What should you absolutely NEVER name a couch store?

Sofa Kingdom

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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he's sleeping on the couch
πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awildnyx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.

After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on. There were reaper cushions.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghostwriter623
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lifeboat777
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.

So close, yet sofa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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What did Hitler name his couch?

Mein Komfortable

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/morningshawa
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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I was just sitting on the couch when my friend tells me, β€œyour not even listening to me.”

I thought that’s a very weird way to start a conversation.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrimLegend5331
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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Couch potato
πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arunie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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What do you call a nut that fell out of your bowl and rolled under the couch?

AWOL nut.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nihmen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Just got a new couch...

Sofa, so good

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I've lost 20% of my couch...

Ouch.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charliekennedy59
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caruano95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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Why do drummers make terrible couch salespeople?

They charge per cushion.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/errsta
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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What happens when you make love on a couch?

It becomes a sectional.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HikerSethT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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What do blind folks call couches

Painful, because they can't c.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZyraunO
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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Finally I can see things far away without leaving the couch

I got tele-vision

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cybercharlatan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DAD WHEN…

β€’ you suddenly know all the words to every Eagles song.

β€’ you get up early on a Saturday morning to make sure you’ll be tired enough for a couch nap that afternoon.

β€’ you change your car’s oil exactly every 2,000 miles.

β€’ mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, but a privilege.

β€’ you can actually tell old John Wayne movies apart.

β€’ your idea of fun is aimlessly wandering around the home improvement section of any store.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice

The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place

πŸ‘︎ 177
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrightenedOstrich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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Couch for sale. Fit for a caesar.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LumpiestEntree
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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My wife came back from the store complaining about how the lady at the register was a total bitch.

I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaddyRecon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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I remember when I made a joke about a kid dying. My dad sat me down on the couch and told me in a serious voice "jokes about kids dying young...

never get old."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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I won’t act like I’m not impressed
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/choshmo
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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Pulled off a real-life-one, i guess...

Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.

so here goes...

(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)

daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?

me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?

daughter: elizabeth-gramma.

me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?

(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)

daughter: don't know, who?

me: my mum.

(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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This killed me
πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GroovyIndianMan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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Couch Potato
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N3rdwhal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.

Boy, was my face red!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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What did the baked couch potato do when the game console locked up?

He pressed the russet button, of course.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/centstwo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Nothing like relaxing on the couch with a nice mer-loaf imgur.com/dhhpBGM
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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My son is lazy, sitting on the couch all damn day...

I told him he should try out for American Idle

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their name?

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sexxc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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My neighbors couch has been in the hallway for 5 days. I want to attach jokes to the couch but I'm having trouble.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squagoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight...

I had to explain to him that I was married now and that's where I sleep.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2017
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Why are there broken condoms on the couch, honey?

Stop calling your kids that.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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What did the couch say when it lost 20% of its body?

Ouch

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darraghq16
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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I just lost 20% of my couch

Ouch

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_improviser
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I wasn’t too sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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