It's really strained our relationship.
In fact they pail in comparison
The first one claims his client is trapped in a penny. Answering the second lawyer's confused look, he says, "My client is in a cent."
the second lawyer nods, then says, "Well. My client is a fish head steeped in hot water. You could say he's gill tea."
She says: "You're nothing like Idris Elba"
There was a lot of Cross referencing.
The keyboard adds an extra pound.
£
First, they had to weigh the pros and cons.
Basically my overall performance was compared with Apple’s and Orange’s.
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."
It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.
You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.
In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.
This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un
... keep reading on reddit ➡They can only make inside jokes.
There’s a lot of cross referencing.
Turns out there is a lot of cross referencing.
In one, it's your vote that counts, in the other: it's the Count that votes
less miserable
There is a vas deferens in length
If you ever talk, he’d prefer you don’t speak il of him
I should have known better.
I find them both appealing.
That’s inflation for you.
But it's all relatives
By two letters...
I was walking along the food court when I saw this one animal that was incredibly overdressed compared to the others. While most where in their uniform, this one was in a red and gold robe, and was strangely being followed by a bunch of Buddhist monks.
I asked one of the customers if it was an Alpaca Packer.
They said no.
It's the Deli Llama.
SFW: https://imgur.com/Yg6JRDJ
They call her the Bey of Bengal
The prices floored me.
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
If you look at the label for pierogies, they instead show the price per ogie.
Because it ran out of juice
Friend: Yes, it's a viscous cycle.
I work at an Aquarium. Our sister site is a Zoo, and when we have quarterly meetings for all staff members, they call the meeting State of the Zoonion.
I am really trying to come up with a comparable name for our Aquarium all-staff meeting that features some good Aquarium/fish humor. Help!
...compared to guns, swords just don't cut it.
but I don't really mind as the 24th of July is ages away
I don’t know, that’s comparing apples and oranges.
During dinner, I compared how Son #2 [4yo] was eating his spaghetti to an anteater. This sparked the following conversation.
Son #2: "What if I really was an ant?"
Son #1 [7yo]: "Then you wouldn't really eat very much spaghetti. Ants eat just a little because they're so small."
Me: "Well, did you know it's pretty likely that, eventually, your sister will grow up to be an aunt?"
Daughter [5yo]: "What?"
Me: "Yeah, all it'll take is for one of you boys to have a kid. Then, she'll turn into an aunt."
[Kids look confused. Son #1 has worked out the pun, is rolling eyes.]
Wife: "He's right. We helped do it to Auntie Leah."
[It clicks.]
Daughter: "Oooooh, Daaad."
It was a used and fairly old car, so it was a little smelly...
Dad: So how many horse power does this car have?
Me: About 250, why?
Dad: I think one of them died.
They are both fairly dumb compared to the ultimately attainable intelligence of a biological organism given the use of cognitive enhancement utilizing vast computational resources.
(Yea that’s the joke, this is my first day on the job and I’m trying to impress the boss.) what am I saying
At the snowball stand they had a sign that said no bills larger than 20. My Dad pulls out a $100 bill and a $20 dollar bill and compares them in size and argues. Needless to say, she didn’t budge, I laughed though
It is comparing apples to origins.
Two NASA engineers were arguing over the feasibility of building a high tech satellite that could see everything, anywhere in the galaxy, by orbiting a spherical lens around a mirrored device at various ranges of orbit. An application controlling the length of the O-Range (range of orbit) would pull the lens in, then release it, and centripetal force would pull it out again. The length of the "app pull", the distance the application would pull the lens back from orbit, had to be precise to ensure proper visibility at all times.
One of the scientists argued that the math to ensure total visibility at all times did not work. Eventually, they brought in another scientist to settle the argument. After several moments reviewing the math the two scientists had done on the board, their colleague spoke out.
"It's so obvious why you two cannot come to a conclusion," he said, "you're comparing app pulls to o-ranges!"
Teacher: So how do you make "the lady" dative?
Me: You have to ask her out first!
entire class groans
They start arguing about who is the better farmer as they compare crops. They wave down a passerby and ask, "sir, who do you think is a better farmer?" They looks at them and says, "It's hard to say, you're both outstanding in your fields."
So I asked ten of my son's friends whether they want to buy a different game console to get away from EA and did a follow up a few weeks later. After calculating and comparing the results from the surveys I came to the conclusion that: Nine in ten do switch.
My math teacher was explaining why there were mistakes on an answer key for our test review. He told us that the teacher that made it did so hastily.
I responded with "who knew teacher name was a Russian"
Groans all around.
My daughter read the book "The Talented Mr. Ripley" in her English class. Then we watched the movie starring Matt Damon and Jude Law (who plays Dickie). My daughter kept telling me what's different in the movie compared to the book..like Dickie is a painter not a musician, etc. After she telling me a bunch of differences, I asked "In the book, does Jude Law play Dickie?"
We were walking past the produce and she looks at me and says:
Fiancée: What do you want, apples or oranges? Me: It's hard to choose, they don't really compare.
She rolled her eyes, but I heard the guy next to me chuckle.
Professor: This paper is comparing Windows Vista performance against Windows 7 in the wild, but it makes no attempt to control for hardware, so it's not an apples-to-apples comparison.
Me: For an apples-to-apples comparison they'd need to compare OSX and iOS, wouldn't they?
(Yes, I really said this)
Wear a grey shirt and hold two items in your hands comparing weights. Congratulations you are now a greyscale.
Dad: Hey son, whats a metaphor? Me: It compares two... Dad: COWS TO GRAZE IN!
While preparing dinner, I mentioned how slow her rice cooker was and how I wanted to replace it with mine, which happened to be an Asian brand compared to her American one.
Her response: "Stop.. you're just being ricist".
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Compared to what the procedure used to consist of, there's a vas deferens.
My dad is a PA and I was following him through some rounds. He had to do a rectal exam and the second we got out of the exam room he said "I really prefer the digital version of a rectal exam compared to analog"
I was hanging out with my dad and grandpa this weekend. My grandpa was talking about how big the airport in LA was compared to Detroit.
My dad chimes in "yeah it's a big airport but I heard the security is pretty LAX" groans ensue
He adds "I heard when you retire from working there they give you a bottle of ex-lax"
That'll do dad. That'll do.
During a phone call with my dad today, we got to talking about a recent hailstorm.
"Did you know that before Europeans arrived, there was never any baseball-sized hail in America?" he asked me.
"Really? Why's that?" I answered, thinking that there was some interesting meteorological explanation forthcoming.
"Well, there were no baseballs around to compare hailstones to."
Damn it, Pop.
Our 8 y/o son loves Minecraft. Without our oversight, he'd play all day every day. He was allowed to play on Sunday afternoon. He chose to play survivor mode, and he came running into the room where we were sitting to brag, "MOM, PAPI, I dug a shaft down into this hill and I found TWO DIAMONDS!"
He continued on, "So, since I'm in survival mode, should I use the diamonds to make a hoe or a pickax?" Something like that, comparing what it would cost him from something called his "workbench" and "inventory." Admittedly, I've only played creative mode with him, so I don't know all the terms.
Anyway, without missing a beat, my wife says, "Son, always spend your diamonds on hoes."
I love that woman so very much.
I just got a job at a power tool and machinery supply store, on my first day (Thursday) I was hanging out around the cash sorting exacto-knives and one of my coworkers is assisting a customer with the purchase of a drill. They're comparing two drills online, one is $149.99 and the other is $159.99.
Customer: So what is the difference between the two drills?
Me: About ten dollars.
heh. hehehehehe.
Talking about my upcoming graduation from grad school, I told my dad that getting a master's degree is nothing compared to how many degrees he has. To which he replied,
"Well, then I guess you can just call me Dr. Fahrenheit!"
...I love that guy.
My roommate was comparing two SD memory cards last night. He uses them for GoPro cameras for racing. He observed aloud that there was a 50MB difference in their read speeds. I chimed in, "But you're not interested in read speed, write?" You know it's bad when you have to explain the joke..
My dad was telling me all the fancy features and telling me how efficient it is compared to our old gas furnace.
Me: Well it sounds like we are going to saving a bunch of money on our heating bill! That's awesome.
Dad: yeah it's super efficient. So I'm pretty pumped!
Me: -_-
Dad: shit eating grin and a good chuckle
Me: god dammit dad
We're driving along and my wife is complaining about the lack of mild weather compared to when we grew up.
Wife: I haven't had a really good fall in years
Me: That's because you've had me here to hold you up!
Wife: http://i.imgur.com/sPwgpLj.jpg
I am on the city council and we had a workshop about why utility rates are lower inside the city compared to outside.
It came down to this:
- No study was done to show the validity of the difference.
- It was strictly a policy decision with an arbitrary number.
- The reason for this approach was simply that it is "standard in the industry" and because it is "what every other city does".
Prefacing that I was a dad so I had to say it: I suggested the rational wasn't the most sound since "just because every other city jumped off a bridge, it didn't mean I wasn't going to jump off a bridge."
Mixture of groans and laughter.
"I feel so underachieving compared to my boyfriend, Mr. 3 degrees and a great paying job."
I said, "3 degrees! He must be cold."
Asked my lady to pick me up some fruit from the store. She got me a container of mixed sliced fruit. I told her thanks and she said
"I also got some apples and oranges"
To which I replied: "Those just don't compare"
She looked at me with such malice in her eyes.
My grandparents on my dad's side would always have my brother and I over for Christmas when we were younger (around when I was 5-10 and my brother was 9-14). They always had a little tree in addition to their big one. The small tree had a bunch of those stereotypical ornaments (round, plain, solid color) in a bunch of different colors. My brother and I would always have fun counting the number of a specific color of ornament separately, then comparing our answers. However, every time we would, we would get different answers, so we'd recount, then get different answers again!
Anyway, just this last year (me being 18, my brother being 22), we reminded our grandfather of this. He laughed, said he remembered it, then said "well, why don't you count up the red ones again, see what you get? I'll tell you if you're right."
We agreed, and got to it. We each counted 3 times separately, then compared, then decided to average them. We got around 24 for the red ones, so went to tell our grandpa. After saying we weren't sure, we asked how many there were. He laughed and said "Darn, I don't know! I was hoping you guys could get a number so I wouldn't have to!"
Not that funny when retold, but it was hilarious then
He was talking about the busyness of his funeral home compared to others around the area to which I retorted, 'Well man you know what they say about the funeral business, people are just dying to get in there!'... He didn't laugh.
My parents and I were eating dinner and talking about how Joan Rivers died after being put under anesthesia for a procedure that could have been forgone. My mom, a doctor, compared it to a colonoscopy in the sense that it is a routine procedure you get put under anesthesia for but you don't expect to die from.
Dad: Can't they perform colonoscopies now by having the patient swallow a pill with a camera?
Mom/Dr: They can but they won't be able to see the whole colon.
Dad: So, semicolon?
Dad "light beer is comparable to having sex in a canoe" Me "what the hell does that mean?" Dad "fucking close to water"
My teacher was describing DNA being made up of four parts. Adenine, cytosine, guanine and thymine. Comparing DNA to RNA being the same except that in stead of thymine, it is uracil. I wake up from a daze and shout "No your a cell!"
My siblings and I are comparing our complexions
Dad: None of you have the dogs beat, they're looking quite brown!
They have brown coats.
Turns out there was a lot of cross referencing.
There was a lot of cross referencing.
