I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.

Apparently it is private.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AncientPhoenix98
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
The XFL hit their lowest point ever.

The Rock bought β€˜em

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CankerMan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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I would make a joke about the lowest temperature that can be reached

But there is absolute zero need or want for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spafinmebath
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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Coffee beans must have the lowest self-esteem...

They’re always getting roasted!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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It has been revealed that Germany has the lowest rate of Coronavirus in the world

It's because they wash their Hans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drezyb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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What New York borough has the lowest cholesterol levels?

Statin Island.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PharmSystem
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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A student who graduates lowest in the class should be called the invalidictorian.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gocards2579
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2017
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"Puns are the lowest form of wit" -Samuel Johnson

Sorry to dampun your spirits

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluedev1990
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
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When you are at rock bottom in life...
πŸ‘︎ 832
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidDavid314
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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Two cats are on a metal roof. Which one slides off first?

The one with the lowest ΞΌ

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Who is Superman's shortest girlfriend?

Lowest Lane

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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Still up for sale?
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EC097
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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Patel was teaching a boy named Ed basic geometry, which he was failing to grasp even on the most basic levels. He mistook squares for triangles, circles for hexagons and so on...

So Patel tried to go to the lowest level and put a dot on the paper.

"What this, Ed?"

"A line?" the boy replied.

"I... I expected more from you. I'm... This a point, Ed."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alkaath
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
(Monday: Greg) (Tuesday: Ian) (Wednesday: Greg) (Thursday: Ian) (Friday: Greg) (Saturday: Ian) (Sunday: Greg)

Its the Gregorian calendar

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrionHunter66
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you remember hearing your first dad joke? Is there one that has stuck with you through the years?

Mine was about 20 years ago, I was 17 at the time and going to my gf’s sisters house for dinner with her family. We brought some things to help with dinner. As we’re walking up to the house carrying the cookware, her dad looks back and says, β€œhey, now that you’re walking the wok, can you talk the talk?”. Not sure why but I’ll never forget that. Still makes me chuckle to this day. What’s yours?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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No words...
πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2ndBestMommyEver
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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An excellent sea captain is...

... admirable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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Why don't you want to be sad at a retail store?

You'd be at the lowest of Lowe's

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cresendo77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Dad and son create a pun fueled, food map [x-post /r/interestingasfuck]

http://imgur.com/a/j9cGL?gallery

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2015
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What do you get after playing a lute for 10 hours straight?

Minstrel cramps.

Edit: (I'm sorry. Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor. Period.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MookieV
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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Bike for sale

Buyer: what’s the lowest you’ll go?

Dad: about 2mph, anything less and you’ll tip over

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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealdieseld
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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This new diet is working pretty well

I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightHawk37
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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I tried to sell a bike on Craigslist the other day

Buyer: Bike still for sale?

Me: Yes it is.

Buyer: What's the lowest you'll go on it?

Me: 2mph. Anything less than that and you'll tip over.

(transcribed from r/bicycling)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WikenwIken
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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A truly epic win

This story happened, just shortly after my daughter was born, at work.

I had a coworker who hated puns. I had made a particular bad one, I completely forget what it was. Just an on the fly thing.

Suddenly my coworker stands up and the following exchange happens:

Him (loudly proclaiming): Puns are awful. They're terrible. Puns are the lowest form of comedy. Only the most infantile people laugh at puns. We need to have a pun jar... like a swear jar, but instead of swearing we put a quarter in it every time someone makes a pun.

Me: (after a short silence) That sounds like a GREAT idea.

Him (confused): No, it's like a swear jar but you put money into it when you swear.

Me: Yeah I understand that

Him: You'd be the hardest hit with that.

Me: Yeah, I understand that. Nevertheless it has my wholehearted support.

Him: (Now very VERY confused) Why would you support something that would hurt you more than anyone else?

Me: Because... we could totally call it the PUNishment jar.

There were three people who clearly heard this exchange. Each one busted out laughing so hard... one of them was pounding his fist into his desk. The look on this poor guy's face: priceless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2016
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What did the 600 pound canary say to the cat?

<in your lowest possible voice> Here kitty kitty kitty...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikerowave
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was the math teacher such a popular comedian?

He appealed to the lowest common denominator.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timoteostewart
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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Dad: Son, never cheat at a limbo contest...

...that's the lowest thing you can do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amuzmint
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2017
🚨︎ report
My baker friend makes all kinds of bread, but won't make rolls

Because a bun is the lowest form of wheat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thetwitchy1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Better than 4k

My son and what would be the lowest resolution I would watch. I told him, "Those made on New Year’s Eve from the South Pole."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snatchinyosigns
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Studying for my MCAT when I came across this passage in Verbal.

I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]

Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, β€œA pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.

Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, β€œIt is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: β€œA pun is the lowest form of humorβ€”when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob Davies have responded to Dennis with hot, cross puns: β€œ...If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor you can tell them that poetry is verse.”

Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth century self-appointed custodian of the English language, once thundered, β€œTo trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tamper with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the recesses of the national till without remorse... ”

Joseph Addison pronounced that the seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, and tho’ they may be subdued by reason, reflection, and good sense, they will be very apt to shoot up in the greatest genius, that which is not broken and cultivated by the rules of art.

Far from being invertebrate, the inveterate punster is a brave entertainer. He or she loves to create a three-ring circus of words: words clowning, words teetering on tightropes, words swinging from tent tops, words thrusting their head into the mouths of lions. Punnery can be highly entertaining, but it is always a risky business. The humor can fall on its face, it can lose its balance and plunge into the sawdust, or it can be decapitated by the snapping shut of jaws. While circus performers often receive laughter or applause for their efforts, punsters often draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that most people groan at, rather than laugh at, puns doesn’t mean that the punnery isn’t fu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zil2mz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Some stories I'd like to share.

I had been driving for a few years and had just moved off to college.

I was on my way back home to visit and it got dark during my drive. My headlights and radio worked but my dash lights were not coming on. When I got home I asked my dad about it and he said he'd go take a look. He went outside then comes back in the house just a few minutes later.

Me: "Did you find out what the problem is?"

Dad: "I think so."

Me: "Well, what was it?"

Dad: "I'll have to show you tomorrow, if I'm right then we're going to have fun working on your truck all morning."

We wait until morning, and dad wakes me up to go work on my truck. We go outside and he has me walk him through the entire problem again. Which lights were working and which were not, has me start the truck a few times and has me do the same troubleshooting I did the night before. I was getting frustrated and told him I tried absolutely everything.

Then he says "I think there's one thing you forgot." He points at a knob by the steering wheel. I looked at where he was pointing and it hit me. It's the damned the dash-light dimmer switch, and it was set to it's lowest (dimmest) position. When I looked back up at him he just had the biggest grin on his face. He then went into a full explanation on how this knob worked, knowing full well that I already knew what that knob did. Which, by the way, I'm sitting on the driver's seat and he's standing at the driver's side door. So I had no way to walk away from this embarrassing moment. All I could do was look down at the steering wheel and listen to him enjoying his joke.

Bonus story #1:

I'm in my 30s and one of my friends is a 74 year old guy that I play pool with. He always asks me what I've been up to, and one time I told him I met a girl.

He got excited and said "Do you have any pictures of her?" So I showed him a few pictures of us together.

Old man: "She's beautiful! She sounds like a keeper."

Then he leans in with a grin and says "Do you have any naked pictures of her?"

Me: "No way!"

Old man: "Do you want to see some?"

Bonus story #2:

That same old man was at our friend's wedding. He's sitting at the table with his wife and a bunch of other people. The conversation is about how they have been married for 50+ years. He says "I don't know how she's put up with me for this many years. But I've always told her that she can leave whenever she wants to, cause I'm comin' with her."

His wife explained that she has heard all of his jokes so

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JIGGLY_BALL
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
🚨︎ report
My brother was telling me about an article he read

It said cancer likes to thrive in an acidic environment. The article rated popular bottled water brands to show their pH balance. Evian had the lowest acidity so it was considered the best to drink.

I turned to him and said, "Let me get this straight. The article is essentially saying, 'It's all about that base.'"

Eyes were rolled and soft chuckles were had. Although we're brothers, we agreed that was definitely something dad would say.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/machiav3lli
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2016
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine got me today at the gym.

After a few months of bulking up, a friend and I are about to begin the cut phase of our workouts and dieting.

Friend: What are you planning on cutting to? 155lbs?

Myself: No way, probably 165, 155 is far too small.

Friend: What was the lowest weight you've ever been at?

Myself: Probably like 160.

Friend: Well that's a big fucking baby.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShaneD27
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2014
🚨︎ report
I don't think much of the neckbeard.

It's the lowest form of facial hair.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saxoman53
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2016
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked a coworker.

I work at a retail grocery store in the deli. I am also 6'7". I was tasked with detailing our warmer and I was working on the bottom part. Getting down is my natural enemy so I was sitting on a milk crate. Coworker from meat department comes over and asks if we had his squeegee. We did so I told him. He said, "For shame, you should feel bad." I then told him, "You're going to judge me while I'm at my lowest?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinkleheimer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2014
🚨︎ report
The XFL just hit their lowest point ever.

The Rock bought β€˜em.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CankerMan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Two kittens on sloped roof. Which one slides off first?

The one with the lowest mew.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deadfamousdinesh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Is your bike still for sale?

Me: Yes it is.

Them: What's the lowest you would go on it?

Me: About 2 miles per hour. Anything less and you'd tip over.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBeardedMann
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
🚨︎ report

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