I compared my girlfriend to boiled pasta the other day.

It's really strained our relationship.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ev1rw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Buckets are pathetic compared to bathtubs

In fact they pail in comparison

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisvskris
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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N95 is nothing compared to this
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bezzzzzzzzzz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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I just wrote an article trying to compare different versions of The Bible.

There was a lot of Cross referencing.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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My wife often compares me to Idris Elba.

She says: "You're nothing like Idris Elba"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

Β£

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dreizo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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What did the researchers have to do before they could compare the BMIs of inmates to professional bodybuilders?

First, they had to weigh the pros and cons.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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I’m trying to write a paper comparing the different versions of the Bible.

There’s a lot of cross referencing.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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I was trying to explain Feudalism to someone, comparing it to a democratic system.

In one, it's your vote that counts, in the other: it's the Count that votes

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/feathersoft
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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Never ask anyone whether they prefer New York City or Syracuse.

That's comparing apples to oranges.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Long-Afternoon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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what is the best way to compare Russel Crowe's acting to his singing?

less miserable

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/readyff
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Kim Jong Un doesn’t like to be compared to his dad

If you ever talk, he’d prefer you don’t speak il of him

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waziot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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The thing about comparing apples to oranges is . . .

I find them both appealing.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsKilLikeMine
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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I took the kids to a bouncy castle, but it was really expensive compared to last year.

That’s inflation for you.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
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I'd compare my family to yours

But it's all relatives

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebaconsizzle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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"Hey dad, how much longer is the Amazon compared to the Nile?"

By two letters...

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2016
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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There's an amazing Bangladeshi singer who is often compared to BeyoncΓ©

They call her the Bey of Bengal

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rektcraft2
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2016
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I went to the home improvement store to compare prices on new carpet, wood, and tile.

The prices floored me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaunceychaunce
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2017
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Grocery stores often show the price per ounce to make it easy to compare prices

If you look at the label for pierogies, they instead show the price per ogie.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weird_al_yankee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
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Friend dropped this one while talking about the movement of oil in the car when you start it compared to when the engine is hot...

Friend: Yes, it's a viscous cycle.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WrightlySo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
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Aquarium humor needed

I work at an Aquarium. Our sister site is a Zoo, and when we have quarterly meetings for all staff members, they call the meeting State of the Zoonion.

I am really trying to come up with a comparable name for our Aquarium all-staff meeting that features some good Aquarium/fish humor. Help!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smokyburgundy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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So I know of this mall that uses animal employees...

I was walking along the food court when I saw this one animal that was incredibly overdressed compared to the others. While most where in their uniform, this one was in a red and gold robe, and was strangely being followed by a bunch of Buddhist monks.

I asked one of the customers if it was an Alpaca Packer.

They said no.

It's the Deli Llama.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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It's no wonder guns became more the more popular weapon over swords...

...compared to guns, swords just don't cut it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NairodI
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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4yo asks: What if I really was an ant?

During dinner, I compared how Son #2 [4yo] was eating his spaghetti to an anteater. This sparked the following conversation.

Son #2: "What if I really was an ant?"

Son #1 [7yo]: "Then you wouldn't really eat very much spaghetti. Ants eat just a little because they're so small."

Me: "Well, did you know it's pretty likely that, eventually, your sister will grow up to be an aunt?"

Daughter [5yo]: "What?"

Me: "Yeah, all it'll take is for one of you boys to have a kid. Then, she'll turn into an aunt."

[Kids look confused. Son #1 has worked out the pun, is rolling eyes.]

Wife: "He's right. We helped do it to Auntie Leah."

[It clicks.]

Daughter: "Oooooh, Daaad."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
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What do a octopus and a human have in common?

They are both fairly dumb compared to the ultimately attainable intelligence of a biological organism given the use of cognitive enhancement utilizing vast computational resources.

(Yea that’s the joke, this is my first day on the job and I’m trying to impress the boss.) what am I saying

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hisairnessag
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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Money joke

At the snowball stand they had a sign that said no bills larger than 20. My Dad pulls out a $100 bill and a $20 dollar bill and compares them in size and argues. Needless to say, she didn’t budge, I laughed though

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πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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It’s pointless to get into an argument about the Adam and Eve creation story versus evolution.

It is comparing apples to origins.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
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Two NASA engineers were arguing...

Two NASA engineers were arguing over the feasibility of building a high tech satellite that could see everything, anywhere in the galaxy, by orbiting a spherical lens around a mirrored device at various ranges of orbit. An application controlling the length of the O-Range (range of orbit) would pull the lens in, then release it, and centripetal force would pull it out again. The length of the "app pull", the distance the application would pull the lens back from orbit, had to be precise to ensure proper visibility at all times.

One of the scientists argued that the math to ensure total visibility at all times did not work. Eventually, they brought in another scientist to settle the argument. After several moments reviewing the math the two scientists had done on the board, their colleague spoke out.

"It's so obvious why you two cannot come to a conclusion," he said, "you're comparing app pulls to o-ranges!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Two farmers meet at their fence line.

They start arguing about who is the better farmer as they compare crops. They wave down a passerby and ask, "sir, who do you think is a better farmer?" They looks at them and says, "It's hard to say, you're both outstanding in your fields."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Printnamehere3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
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I heard about the new Battlefront game from EA

So I asked ten of my son's friends whether they want to buy a different game console to get away from EA and did a follow up a few weeks later. After calculating and comparing the results from the surveys I came to the conclusion that: Nine in ten do switch.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dfiggsmeister
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2017
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Book vs the Movie

My daughter read the book "The Talented Mr. Ripley" in her English class. Then we watched the movie starring Matt Damon and Jude Law (who plays Dickie). My daughter kept telling me what's different in the movie compared to the book..like Dickie is a painter not a musician, etc. After she telling me a bunch of differences, I asked "In the book, does Jude Law play Dickie?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thewhiskey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2017
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Got my fiancΓ©e at the grocery store today

We were walking past the produce and she looks at me and says:

FiancΓ©e: What do you want, apples or oranges? Me: It's hard to choose, they don't really compare.

She rolled her eyes, but I heard the guy next to me chuckle.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesean29
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2015
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At a graduate seminar on operating systems

Professor: This paper is comparing Windows Vista performance against Windows 7 in the wild, but it makes no attempt to control for hardware, so it's not an apples-to-apples comparison.

Me: For an apples-to-apples comparison they'd need to compare OSX and iOS, wouldn't they?

(Yes, I really said this)

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dspeyer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
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My Dad's take on light beer

Dad "light beer is comparable to having sex in a canoe" Me "what the hell does that mean?" Dad "fucking close to water"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/foxbrb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2013
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As I was telling him about this subreddit...

Dad: Hey son, whats a metaphor? Me: It compares two... Dad: COWS TO GRAZE IN!

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheeWeevil
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2013
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I didn't know my girlfriend had it in her.

While preparing dinner, I mentioned how slow her rice cooker was and how I wanted to replace it with mine, which happened to be an Asian brand compared to her American one.

Her response: "Stop.. you're just being ricist".

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/in2diep
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2014
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He just looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll see you at the checkout."

So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:

"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."

He was not impressed.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RepostFrom4chan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2015
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Advances in medical science has made vasectomies painless and easy

Compared to what the procedure used to consist of, there's a vas deferens.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pi-Guy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2015
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An Airport Twofer

I was hanging out with my dad and grandpa this weekend. My grandpa was talking about how big the airport in LA was compared to Detroit.

My dad chimes in "yeah it's a big airport but I heard the security is pretty LAX" groans ensue

He adds "I heard when you retire from working there they give you a bottle of ex-lax"

That'll do dad. That'll do.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sindustrial777
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
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When a medical professional hits you with a dad joke.

My dad is a PA and I was following him through some rounds. He had to do a rectal exam and the second we got out of the exam room he said "I really prefer the digital version of a rectal exam compared to analog"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebadideaguy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
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My dad, the weather expert

During a phone call with my dad today, we got to talking about a recent hailstorm.

"Did you know that before Europeans arrived, there was never any baseball-sized hail in America?" he asked me.

"Really? Why's that?" I answered, thinking that there was some interesting meteorological explanation forthcoming.

"Well, there were no baseballs around to compare hailstones to."

Damn it, Pop.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mambeu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
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My wife dadjoked my son (and me) with this Minecraft gem.

Our 8 y/o son loves Minecraft. Without our oversight, he'd play all day every day. He was allowed to play on Sunday afternoon. He chose to play survivor mode, and he came running into the room where we were sitting to brag, "MOM, PAPI, I dug a shaft down into this hill and I found TWO DIAMONDS!"

He continued on, "So, since I'm in survival mode, should I use the diamonds to make a hoe or a pickax?" Something like that, comparing what it would cost him from something called his "workbench" and "inventory." Admittedly, I've only played creative mode with him, so I don't know all the terms.

Anyway, without missing a beat, my wife says, "Son, always spend your diamonds on hoes."

I love that woman so very much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
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My dad laid this one on me at lunch today...

Talking about my upcoming graduation from grad school, I told my dad that getting a master's degree is nothing compared to how many degrees he has. To which he replied,

"Well, then I guess you can just call me Dr. Fahrenheit!"

...I love that guy.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leviajonathan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2013
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