Given to my friend who is a woodworker
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mango_chair
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?

The cold shoulder

πŸ‘︎ 525
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onemangang15
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.

My daughter said yes, and I replied, β€œSo you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I was given a bag of peanuts that had been blessed by the Pope.

I gave them away...I hate religious nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?

Thank you for your cervix.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saxtrav
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the tennis player say when given the wrong glove?

That's a bad mitten.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/waldo06
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
A man goes to a beekeeper and asks for 12 bees. He counts, and sees he has been given 13....

β€œSir, you gave me an extra!” he says. The beekeeper replies β€œOh, that’s a freebie”

πŸ‘︎ 151
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MARKHENRY88
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.

That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A German was given FL Studio.

He made deutschstep.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PasCone103Z
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
No Concrete Answer Given.
πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyUserNameBoring
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Keep in mind that given all of this year's events, Thanksgiving dinner can get heated

It can get re-heated the next day as well

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pikindaguy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I've given up on reprimanding my floating safety markers

Buoys will be buoys.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PityUpvote
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?

Decalfinated

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ConnorM1911
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I've finally given up on finding a name for my window coverings made from bug spray...

I call the search Off! It's curtains for that quest!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.

The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.

πŸ‘︎ 683
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.

I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.

πŸ‘︎ 154
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrbounce74
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
When firefighters lose their jobs, are they fired or given the axe?
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Luther277
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeusJZ
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of a government would Authors form if given a chance?

An authoritative write winged government.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LaMusicista
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname β€œMr. Compromise.”

It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a warning given out by a rattlesnake?

A cautionary tail.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Shania Twain has given birth to a baby boy.

Choo Choo, was born at 3:30pm today weighing 6lb 8oz.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a superhero name given to someone who never misses with a chalk?

Chawkeye.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reddit_federation
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
After a long shift, I was given this opportunity. v.redd.it/18cblj38tnv41
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/evandolajakulater
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
If given a choice of eating a sandwich in the park or watching the Nickelodeon Network all day, what would you do?

I would pick Nick.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought this was appropriate given our current circumstances. One of those jokes that makes you stop and chuckle.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/winberry5253
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
At graduation the psychiatrist was given a wicker attache

It was his first basket case

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/googonite
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I felt bad for eating my Jewish friend's coin shaped chocolate candy he had purchased to given his children at Hanukkah...

Pangs of gelt haunt me to this day!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I hpe he is happy (credits given in the post)
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MEMESTER_BOIIII
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked for 12 bees at my local pet store. The owner gave me 13 bees. I said β€œyou’ve given me 1 to many!” The owner said...

...”That one is a freebie!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Seymour2112
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
To all the women who have given birth to bring life into the world:

Thank you for your cervix.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drCrankoPhone
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room.

My friends all say it's naan-sense.

πŸ‘︎ 161
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/woodybuzzes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?"

I said, "Yes. Steve."

She said, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Given the state of the world today , I don’t have Great Expectations for my children.

I got them all the other Dickens’ books though.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The COVID-19 quarantine has finally given me the chance to organize my books.

From best to toilet paper.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Caritas86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the ignorant man say when he heard the Corona virus had been given a new name by the world health organisation

WHO?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hetchem994
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A dad is given bad news by a doctor...

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
At any given moment, the urge to sing, β€œThe Lion Sleeps Tonight”...

...is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

πŸ‘︎ 505
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Sitting in a presentation being given by mathematicians right now.

It is very by the numbers.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/usdsquare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Imagine a world where monkeys have given up tobacco.

Planet of the Vapes

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spatzekoar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.

What’s the point?

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Merulius
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I just got given 7 parking tickets in 60 minutes

It was my finest hour.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WritingAScript
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an otter who's just given birth?

A Motter.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mukarito
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.

πŸ‘︎ 145
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow that’s just given birth?

De-calf-inated.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kbig22432
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Ty came first in a swimming competition in Beijing, but he wasn’t given a gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

πŸ‘︎ 211
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report

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