My colleagues at work have given me the nickname βMr. Compromise.β
It wasnβt my first choice, but Iβm ok with it.
π︎ 166
π
︎ May 18 2021
I went in to hospital for a routine operation and was furious when I woke up to find the surgeon had given me a lobotomy
I can tell you, he sure got a piece of my mind.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
Iβve given up asking rhetorical questions.
π︎ 85
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
A toothless old lady in hospital always gave away the peanuts she was given by her visitors to the nurses to eat.
One day a nurse asked her why she didn't ask for grapes instead of nuts.She replied that you can't get grapes with chocolate coating!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
Why was the farmer given an award for acting as a living scarecrow?
Because he was simply outstanding in his field.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
About the Ever Given cargo ship...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
Given to my friend who is a woodworker
π︎ 32
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
What did the captain of the Ever Given say when the ship ran aground?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
If given the choice of which part of your face to insert a finger,
Would you pick your nose?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?
π︎ 531
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
Thank you for your cervix.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if sheβd had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, βSo youβre de-Claritin that youβve had it already?β
π︎ 42
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
A man goes to a beekeeper and asks for 12 bees. He counts, and sees he has been given 13....
βSir, you gave me an extra!β he says. The beekeeper replies βOh, thatβs a freebieβ
π︎ 150
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
I was given a bag of peanuts that had been blessed by the Pope.
I gave them away...I hate religious nuts.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
What did the tennis player say when given the wrong glove?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.
That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
A German was given FL Studio.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
No Concrete Answer Given.
π︎ 35
π
︎ Nov 04 2020
What do you call a cow whoβs just given birth?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Oct 10 2020
Keep in mind that given all of this year's events, Thanksgiving dinner can get heated
It can get re-heated the next day as well
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
I've given up on reprimanding my floating safety markers
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasnβt given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
π︎ 681
π
︎ Apr 09 2020
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
π︎ 153
π
︎ May 28 2020
I've finally given up on finding a name for my window coverings made from bug spray...
I call the search Off! It's curtains for that quest!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 04 2020
When firefighters lose their jobs, are they fired or given the axe?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 14 2020
Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.
Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 26 2020
What kind of a government would Authors form if given a chance?
An authoritative write winged government.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
What do you call a warning given out by a rattlesnake?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
Shania Twain has given birth to a baby boy.
Choo Choo, was born at 3:30pm today weighing 6lb 8oz.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 12 2020
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 29 2020
I thought this was appropriate given our current circumstances. One of those jokes that makes you stop and chuckle.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 07 2020
What is a superhero name given to someone who never misses with a chalk?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
If given a choice of eating a sandwich in the park or watching the Nickelodeon Network all day, what would you do?
π︎ 13
π
︎ May 05 2020
At graduation the psychiatrist was given a wicker attache
It was his first basket case
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?"
I said, "Yes. Steve."
She said, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"
"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Nov 04 2017
To all the women who have given birth to bring life into the world:
Thank you for your cervix.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 05 2019
I hpe he is happy (credits given in the post)
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jan 16 2020
I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room.
My friends all say it's naan-sense.
π︎ 166
π
︎ Sep 22 2019
I felt bad for eating my Jewish friend's coin shaped chocolate candy he had purchased to given his children at Hanukkah...
Pangs of gelt haunt me to this day!
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 16 2020
I asked for 12 bees at my local pet store. The owner gave me 13 bees. I said βyouβve given me 1 to many!β The owner said...
...βThat one is a freebie!β
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 05 2020
Given the state of the world today , I donβt have Great Expectations for my children.
I got them all the other Dickensβ books though.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 27 2020
The COVID-19 quarantine has finally given me the chance to organize my books.
From best to toilet paper.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 06 2020
At any given moment, the urge to sing, βThe Lion Sleeps Tonightβ...
...is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
π︎ 508
π
︎ Dec 29 2018
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname βMr. Compromise.β
Itβs not my first choice, but Iβm ok with it.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jul 10 2019
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
π︎ 145
π
︎ Jul 13 2019
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