What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

Suture self.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Border closing
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πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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Why would Karl Marx support closing schools because of COVID-19?

We'd finally live in a classless society.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Friday2day
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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In these dark times were everything is closed down DFS closing down sale is actually happening
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Djdanny90999
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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Me to my daughter in regards to the gyms closing: "Guess I won't be flattening this curve." (As I pat my belly)

She rolled her eyes and sighed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Batchet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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I'm closing one eye, down this water slide...

Winking in a water wonderland!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
It is with deepest regret that I have to inform you all, my poultry dating site will be closing down,

as I can no longer make hens meet!

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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A neighbor asks for your help closing a window; it's stuck open a little. You try but fail, and she says "try twisting the top." Surprised, you ask why.

"It's ajar."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lobsterbash
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Pulled a real groaner while closing on our new house today

My wife and I are signing our loan docs today with the title company.

Wife: "I don't get why you sign your name so fast but write the date so slow."

Me: "I guess ever since we got married I don't date as often as I used to."

Title Lady: "Booooooo."

She later acknowledged that she hadn't heard that one in 21 years of doing her job. I've never been so proud and ashamed at the same time.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FritzTrockels
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2014
🚨︎ report
A blind guy goes into the closing store, grabs his dog by the tail and begins to spin. A worker shocked by the sight asked "sir may i help you please". The guy smiles and says.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyosk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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Willy Wonka's chocolate factory has been closing early a lot lately.

Maybe they're short staffed.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotter66
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
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7 YO daughter got me with this one today. What animal is best at closing holes?

Seal

EDIT: Both Mum and I groaned, but I told her I was incredibly proud of her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kactusotp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2016
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Dad, after closing the cupboard door and shooting me a panicked look

We need to get to the shop, quickly! We're running out of thyme!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Random_Username_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
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Since Halloween is closing in

Why do sad ghosts get into the elevator?

It lifts their spirits!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScruffyAF
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Our store was closing and the plants were all lined up inside because of the big storm. We’re walking through the racks of plants and pick some flowers up. I ask my coworker,

β€œSo, got any good mum jokes?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mapkar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
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Did you hear Russia is having a closing down sale?

Everything Moscow

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kipperchimp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2016
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Just found out that the local hospital is closing their wing for people with serious infections

Turns out they were under staphed...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jskoker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2013
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While closing on a house...

Had to sign a ton of papers. The lady that was running the closing hands me something about how I promise to put the water bill in my name and says "this is the water addendum"

I respond, "Really? looks like a paper addendum to me!"

No one laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wirebodie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2015
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Closing the blinds.

Closing the blinds when suddenly my dad said.

"The amount of effort you have to use is blinding."

He then chuckled and continued working.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saketssn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2014
🚨︎ report
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

Suture self.

πŸ‘︎ 313
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matrose9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
🚨︎ report

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