I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure.

Good players are hard to find.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 05 2020
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I've completed 4 years of being single today.

Or Can I say I graduated my Bachelor's Degree?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 69
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sairohit21
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 01 2021
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As the doctor completed an examination of the patient....

he said, ''I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.''

''In that case,'' said the patient, ''I'll come back when you're sober''

πŸ‘οΈŽ 61
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2020
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What can you attach to a ball, a harp, or a cart to make something completely different?

β€œoon”.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 195
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 25 2020
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My therapist just told me that I'm completely incapable of expressing my feelings.

Can't say I'm surprised.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 177
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 28 2020
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I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely....

.....if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 11 2020
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I went out to my car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..

..you could call it an Autumnobile now !

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 18 2020
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My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 40k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 10 2020
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Completely Innapropriate Dad Joke Guy (A Sketch)

Not sure if links to videos are allowed here but I made a sketch that’s on topic so I hope you enjoy.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RhysHalliwell
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 21 2020
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What do you call an amusement park ride that's completely made out of iron?

A Ferrous Wheel! :D

πŸ‘οΈŽ 46
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Fafnir_19
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 10 2020
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We successfully went back in time and got Isaac Newton and Shakespeare to complete each other's research

Now my high school kid wants me to remind him of Newton's 3rd law of emotion

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RamSamG
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 17 2020
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What do you call a finance minister who successfully completes his term in the office? BUCK-MINSTER-FULLER-RENE
πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sameer_gulzar
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 24 2020
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Just happened: my contractor broke a window during our nearly complete renovation

He turned to me and said it's no problem. At this stage it's just a pane.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 04 2020
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I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!

He just stands there applauding and saying β€œOoh, I love how smooth it is”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 469
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 03 2020
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How many bottles of each perfume will it take to completely fill one shelf?

100%

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/arc-ion
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 27 2020
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A sheep wakes up to find that she's at a completely different farm.

None of the other sheep seem alarmed, so she goes and asks another sheep what's going on.

"Oh, haven't you herd?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/slekrons
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 11 2020
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My transformation is almost complete

So my wife is currently working from home and her employer decided to send her a hamper package in the mail. It was quite nice but pretty standard stuff. Wine, some cookies, crackers and also a bottle extra virgin olive oil (came with a cheese platter kit)

Wife was pretty happy about the fancy packaging and showed it to me saying "look they even sent extra virgin olive oil in this little fancy bottle for cheese platters!"

My response? "Aww that poor olive oil bottle never had sex? So sad!"

...Pls send help

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Hyperpuma
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 02 2020
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I had this crazy dream where I was completely weightless...

I was like 0mg.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 41
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 30 2020
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my wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

she's worked very hard and i know it's been difficult for her, but i'm very proud. she's in possibly the best shape of her life and she is once again confident in her own body, but i will endlessly love her despite what she looks like.

what, were you expecting me to say something about a baby?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/404--File-Not-Found
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 16 2020
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Got this from my 7 yr old this morning while he was getting in the car and didn’t get the door closed completely.

When is a door also a good container? When it’s ajar.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/channabanana01
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 25 2020
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As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.

I stand corrected

πŸ‘οΈŽ 222
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BoobsRmadeforboobing
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 23 2020
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I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...

and the box said 2-4 years!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 24 2020
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Not the best, but not a complete "waist" of money
πŸ‘οΈŽ 63
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/alphadragoon89
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 21 2020
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I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.

I ran out of thyme.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RedShirtCashion
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 12 2020
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Astonishmium
πŸ‘οΈŽ 6k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Kenebalism
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 07 2020
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Why can’t pirates complete the alphabet song?

Because they get lost at C

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/infernonebula
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 31 2020
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Breaking news: a man has just been arrested for completing an origami course backwards..

We will update you as the situation unfolds.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 192
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Micktheprivz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 05 2020
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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, ...

an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops the

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘οΈŽ 105
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Chainz4Dayz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 19 2020
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There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting /r/Jokes/comments/iya4l4/…
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ProCreeper_2000
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 23 2020
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When my kids found that the fall term would be completely online, the result was instant drama and tears.

But now that we had a few drinks, we feel better.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 15 2020
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You know you’ve made a terrible joke when you make the math teacher completely lose it.

Teacher: β€œIf acceleration is constant, we get all these really nice formulas. If acceleration is not constant, the math gets messy.”

Me: β€œYou might say that for ruining the math, it’s being a jerk.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 40
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bobby-Bobson
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 26 2020
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There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 02 2019
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I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...

They're fairyfocals.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 14 2020
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Did you hear about the rabbi that walked into a bar?

He was hit in the temple.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DinglebarryHandpump
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2020
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I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...

So there were 6 of us...

With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)

There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".

Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"

The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.

Best day of my comedic life

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 30 2020
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My complete jerk of a brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer!

Dad calls him "Chop Suey."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 23 2020
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I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...

...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 15 2020
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I just went the doctors, turns out I’m colourblind

The results came completely out of the purple!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 403
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 09 2020
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Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 457
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 12 2020
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Ever since I went through with my sex change operation my kids have been completely ignoring me

It's like I'm transparent.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Yanaytsabary
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 04 2020
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I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. MY naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived !

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 29 2020
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My friend has completed his life-long dream of visiting Chernobyl

He now radiates happiness.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LeonXBB
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 17 2020
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My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting a

Flying Saucer

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/stent_kush
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 16 2020
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There are only two types of people in the world:

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Backlog_Overflow
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 13 2020
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My date canceled because I told her I am a complete dick.

I just meant I'm uncircumcised.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SlytherRedd
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 24 2020
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I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..

..you could call it an Autumnobile now !

πŸ‘οΈŽ 195
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 01 2020
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My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 821
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 04 2020
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I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 21 2020
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