Mop Up Puns

I totally wiped the floor with that dude.

We had a cleaning service come to the house today, called Two Maids and a Mop. Well, three maids showed up and my dumb husband goes, “which one of you is the mop?”

I work at a pub and this was after hours when we were cleaning up.

Coworker 1: "Some guy tried to headbutt me tonight because I asked him to move whilst i was mopping"

Coworker 2: "Aha, what a nutter!"

Groans were had.

Not sure if it's just a UK thing, but 'nutting' someone is slang (I think) for headbutting someone.

I had a shower last night, and the humidity in the room made the floor a little slippery. As I was towelling off, the mop in the corner slipped and grazed my leg.

All I could think was "That almost cleaned me up."

So a couple days ago as I was leaving work I get a phone call from a friend of mine who I shall call k during this story

Now K never calls people so I was surprised that he was calling me, and was even more surprised when the first words he said when I picked up where, “Acriloc you’re a bad influence on my brother.”

I was shocked at such an accusation, wounded even and asked why. K then proceeded to tell me how when he was at work he slipped on a recently mopped floor and fractured his arm. A coworker of his dropped him off at the ER where he decided to text his brother C, someone whom I’m friend with as well, while he waited.

C asked if K was ok, and how since K works in a kitchen what’s he going to do if he can’t use his right arm for a while. K then told C how he tends to practice using his left arm just in case anything like this would happen, and though he won’t be able to do everything he did in the kitchen he’ll still be able to work and help out.

C responded with, “I guess all that practice came in....handy.”
Causing K to burst out in laughter in the middle of the ER waiting room, filled with people who are in pain and not having a pleasant day. The amount of death stares he got from people as he was laughing while trying to point at his phone and explain he’s laughing because of a lame joke his brother sent him was quite the sight to behold apparently.

Apparently I am to blame for all this because C used to never make jokes like that until he met me since I try to find any excuse to make a dad joke.