A list of puns related to "Follow Through"
They might think you're stalking them
What follows is a transcription of our conversation
Me: I hope he helps his patients find Accord in their lives
Her: Well therapy is only one Element to success
Me: He's just doing his Civic duty
Her: He gives them Clarity and Insight
Me: On their Odyssey through life
I always follow through
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasn’t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this lad’s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the family’s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasn’t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the “American dream” and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch
... keep reading on reddit ➡The following conversation ensued.
Receptionist: Hello, thank you for calling ______. How may I direct your call.
Me: Hi, I'd like to speak to in the morning.
Receptionist: Who?
Me: In the morning.
Receptionist: I don't know who that is.
Me: Well it says ______ but he asked me to call him "in the morning."
Receptionist: Giggle groan. That's a new one. Let me put you through.
Me: Thank you.
......
Recruiter: Hello this is ________.
Me: Hi in the morning, this is (me)
Recruiter: Hi, I wanted to go over your resume.
....... Later
Me: Thanks in the morning.
Recruiter (just now noticing) Why do you keep daing that.
Me: Your email said to call you "in the morning."
Recruiter: Groans
If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?
I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.
If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?
China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.
I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?
I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.
I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.
I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"
I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".
If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?
If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?
My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.
I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.
Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.
Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.
You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"
A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p
... keep reading on reddit ➡Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-
He said, "So I'll go first?"
I said sure.
I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.
He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.
He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.
Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.
After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.
I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"
He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."
(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)
The following is my conversation through texts with him at 3:30 today.
Me: What's the address for the Xmas party.
Dad: Don't know I'll have to ask your mother
Me: What time is it?
Dad: 3:36 pm
Me: 3:36? Why not 3:37 or you know 3:35? Or even better... 3:30?
Dad: Cuz it's 3:39 right now
Me: ... What time is the party
Dad: oh you wanted to know what time the party is.
Me: ...
Dad: 3 pm.
Had me and my friends laughing so hard.
He never followed through with his threats. He had more bark than bite.
She was talking about her new job at a restaurant and mentioned how she didn't think this girl she was in training with was going to make it through. She said "you can see all of her drug use marks."
I followed up with "that's a-track-tive." Groans and eye rolls followed.
Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.
The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.
Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.
For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.
On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.
Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.
Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken
... keep reading on reddit ➡"Do you know what the last thing that went through that bug's mind was?"
"What, Dad?"
"Its Ass!"
This is always followed by my dad almost laughing us into a head-on crash.
I saw a dead animal at the side of the road but I couldn't tell quite what it was because it looked like a brown bushy dog. So, I asked my mum "what was that" and she told me that it was a badger.
After that she then told me "I was gonna say it's dead". Should've really followed through with the joke.
My dad is a PA and I was following him through some rounds. He had to do a rectal exam and the second we got out of the exam room he said "I really prefer the digital version of a rectal exam compared to analog"
This was one of her favorite jokes she loved to tell: One day, a man was walking home after a long day at work. As he waited for a crosswalk signal, he glanced back and noticed a coffin standing down the block. "Odd," he thought, but he ignored it and continued home. He turned the corner and managed to catch a glimpse of the coffin again. This time is was closer to him... like it was following him. He picked up his pace and ran into his apartment complex. The coffin was right behind him. In a fright, he dashed up the stairs to his place, locked the door and barricaded himself in the bathroom. Thud, thud, thud! The coffin was banging on the bathroom door. The man frantically looked for something to defend himself. Just as the coffin busted through the door, the man grabbed some cough syrup from the medicine cabinet, threw it at the coffin ... and the coffin stopped.
They were in the pasture munchin' on all their grass, but they realise that they are almost out of grass to eat, and that the pasture next to them has untouched grass. "I'm going to that pasture" said the big bull. So he reared up, and smashed through the fence into the pasture and proceeded to eat. The other two bulls followed and started to eat.
"Hold up" the big bull exclaimed, "I did all the work to get into this pasture, you two find your own."
So the medium bull found another pasture to break into, reared up, and smashed into the pasture next to the new one. The medium bull starts feasting on his new grass. The small bull follows suit.
"Hold up" Said the medium bull. "This is my pasture. Find your own."
So the small bull looks around, but there aren't any more pastures. However there is a small gated fence leading to the street. So the small bull charges and smashes through the fence and looks around. He decided to walk on the sidewalk until he finds another pasture. So he walked and walked and walked forever, not finding another pasture.
Moral of the story: a little bull goes a long way.
With the holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. The following experience was a first for me, and I hope you won't mind my "preaching" to you about it.
As you may know, a few of us have been known to come close to brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session".
Well, two days ago Christina and I were out for an evening with friends. We had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. I was feeling jolly, but I still had the sense to know that I was probably over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before in my entire life - I took a cab home. Well, Christina doesn't drive so this seemed the logical option.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police sobriety checkpoint, but since we were in a cab they waved us through and we arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before. I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it. Any advice?
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!
My son and I were driving through a construction zone. The air contained the strong smell of the tar they were laying down.
I said, "You know how a tectonic fault is a big crack between two tectonic plates?"
"Yeah," he said, a quizzical look on his face.
"Does that make your butt-crack an asphalt?"
Groan, followed by a facepalm. :)
My wife, 2 year old son, and I were traveling this past week and went through a drive thru for lunch. After finishing his meal, my son was trying to figure out what the bag said. Not being able to turn around and see what he is seeing, the following exchange took place.
Wife "Do you know what the letters are on the bag?"
Son "Yes!"
Wife " Tell me what the letters are"
Son "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z!"
Me "Was that his first dad joke?"
Wife "He is definitely your son" and rolled her eyes.
Had a dad-spotting while walking through the empty hall at school a few minutes ago. A small object rolled out of a door further down the hall followed closely by a stooped over middle-aged professor chasing after it. He nabbed it up just as I was passing by and looked up at me to say, "I've got to get out of here. I'm losing my marbles."
He then laughed to himself and quickly ducked back into the classroom.
I was walking through the store and nearly bumped into him so I apologized. His response follows:
"That reminds of the guy that went to Wal-Mart with his dog. He walks inside and starts swinging the dog around over his head. The manager run over screaming, 'Hey buddy what are you doing with that dog? Cut it out!' And the guy says back 'Oh you don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog. I was just taking a look around!'"
Then he walked away cackling to himself.
-"What's tiny, green, lives one meter below ground and eats rocks?" -"...." -"The tiny green rock eater of course!"
Shortly after follow up with:
-"If you drill a hole through the entire earth and drop a rock into it, how far does it fall?" -"......." -"One meter, then the tiny green rock eater eats it!"
Maybe I should clarify that I am of the male persuasion.
We're from NJ (he's been here his entire life). That part of the turnpike is how we get our bad name (smells, industrial, crime).
Every single time we drive through Elizabeth he proclaims, WHO'S ELIZABETH AND WHY SHE SMELL SO BAD?! followed by many self induced chuckles.
This was from high school before I became a dad, but I think it still qualifies.
My history teacher was lecturing on the Paris Conference following World War I. Specifically, he was discussing each of the world leaders in attendance and each of their aims for the treaty that would result from the conference.
He was going down the line of leaders and asking the class what each leader wanted in the treaty. For example, "Britain was represented by Prime Minister David Lloyd George. What did Mr. George want in the treaty?"
He got through Britain, France, and Italy, then he came to the United States, represented by President Woodrow Wilson.
He asked, "What did Mr. Wilson want?" I responded, "Dennis out of his life once and for all?"
He and I were the only people who laughed.
We were going through airport security and they made him go through the new scanner thing like this: http://www.blogcdn.com/www.switched.com/media/2008/04/image-scan.jpg
When they said they had to pat down his left arm he said: "must be too much muscle" followed by a necessary dad laugh.
An Aussie blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the entrance exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?''
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' He walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'and what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at
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