The most important question before choosing your future wife ...
When choosing between salted and unsalted butter,
There's no margarine for error
I take my time when choosing a diaper cream...
I don't want to make a quick, rash decision!
Why do pirates always end up buying the Jolly Roger for their ships instead of choosing other designs?
It’s the only one that’s always on sail....
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves...
...but I don't like to point fingers...
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
"Why doesn't the Queen wave with this hand?" *and do a Queen wave with a hand of your choosing*...
The next Android OS should be called Android Orange because then choosing between smartphones would be like apples and oranges
When choosing fish at the fishmonger's
Fishmonger: "they're all good, pick your poison"
Me: "Don't you mean, Pick your poisson?"
Fishmonger: <wink> "Good one"
Choosing restaurants with dad
Dad: We can go to Habit. You can get a burger
Me: I don't feel like a burger
Dad: You don't look like a burger.
-_-
Dad on choosing a Netflix movie
Dad: what movie should i order tonight
Mum: well i want to watch the pianist
Dad: that sounds boring
Mum: it won best film at the Cannes film festival
Dad: yeah well how did it go at the bottles film festival?
I think I know how Marvel is choosing who gets to direct their movies
The Amazing Spider-man was directed by a guy named named Webb.
For The Wolverine, they hired a guy named Mangled (Mangold)
And Guardians of the Galaxy was made by guy named Gunn.
So I am expecting them to announce that Kat Dennings will be directing Black Panther any day now.
Computer: choose a password. Me: hi-hat
Computer: password cannot contain symbols
It's pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
I had to choose between three cats. The first was super affectionate, like a dog. The second prefers to be alone all the time. I picked the third, whose personality is somewhere in between.
I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that.
My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum: I have to choose between her and my career as a news reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
A little boy asked his father why people would choose atheism.
The father replied “because it’s a non-prophet organization.”
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from
If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire.
I can never choose what I want; they have such a rye range of bread!
Why did cheese man choose to become a superhero?
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, "Paper or plastic?" She responded, "It makes no difference to me. You choose." The bagger explained that he isn't allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
English sucks sometimes 😂
why couldn’t the vampire choose between ribeye, sirloin or T bone?
Because he was scared of stakes
Choose any number between 2 and 8. Multiply by 4, and then add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Sir, why did you choose to sit at the bar?
Because I have table reservations.
This guy was driving on the left side of the road
He just didn't choose the right thing
What did the cannibal choose as his last meal
When pirates move out of Kansas, which state do they choose?
If you could be any race, which one would you choose?
The Boston Marathon, it’s the most popular.
I’m really struggling to choose a name for my wild yeast starter.
I hope it won’t be a John Dough forever.
Why did the rabbit choose to become a jeweler?
Because he got to work with carats.
A princess wants to choose her future husband. Her engineers create a maze full of deadly traps. After the struggle, four princes survive. The first three have both their hands cut off. The fourth one still has one hand left. Which one will she choose?
She will chose the fourth prince: he's the most hand-some.
Fruit pun related to wealth
I want to make a joke about a rich fruit, and so am need to choose a fruit best associated with wealth, riches having lots of money, etc..
Can any of you pun masters help me out?
Next time your wife or girlfriend asks why they always have to choose where to eat...
Just tell them because they're the picky one.
I'm trying to write an essay about satellite, and I need to choose a font...
My buddy Jesus got promoted to a supervisory position and I got to choose the music for his promotion party.
I went with "Your Own Personnel Jesus"
If I could have any superpower, I would choose invisibility. But I wouldn't use it to do anything ILLEGAL...
Why did the NFL choose to acknowledge OJ Simpson as a part of the top 100 players?
Because he really was a killer running back.
I announced to my family, "Certain people in this house have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves..."
"...but I don't like to point fingers."
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
My wife wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
I was told to choose between her and being a reporter...
I had some Breaking News for her
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a TV journalist.
I have some breaking news for her.
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