They overschlepped
A stale mate.
Funset!
I said "But she has a great personality."
Fund-raisin!
Me: "what's wrong with the name it has now?"
Took him a while to get it then he was pissed.
Texting with my girlfriend when she wanted to know what to wear to go to my mom's house with me on Mother's Day.
GF: "Can I just wear a long dress and call it a day?"
Me: "Of course. I don't know why you'd call a dress a day though, that's weird."
GF: ":| :| :|"
A peanut was just minding his own business
He was a salted
“Isabell”,he said
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Microwaved hot dog
So they decided to call it a day
The Evening.
Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside whenever possible. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace went to the backyard and ate all the grass. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glistening in the sunlight.
Realizing what had happened the mechanic said to his dog, "Ah grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
Short story, a good friend of my father's (Mr Earl) has recently passed away. He was a HUGE fan of the dad jokes. He called them "groaners", and I'd share 1 or 2 a week with him, much to the disdain of his wife.
Two days before he passed, my parents were having dinner with them, and I sent this joke (that I got from here) to tell:
What do you call friends that get together for supper? Taste buds!
He loved it!
I need 1 last groaner to include in a sympathy card. The cheesier the better. No NSFW.
What ya got?
Picture myself and sister as young kids running around my grandparents house. My sister stubs her toe and begins to cry. My grandfather approaches and says “come here let me take a look at it” My sister crawls over, trying to calm down. “Oh man, you’ve really done it this time. Looks like we’re gonna have to call a … toe truck” Cue raging screams from my sister. Still makes me smile to this day
I think I’ll call it a day.
This weekend, my dad stepped in for me and coached my son's 6U baseball practice for me as I had a funeral to attend. He didn't know any of the kids on the team since it was our first practice. So a pair brothers walk up and my dad asks the first kid what his name is. The boy says "August." My dad, being the dad he is, turns to the boy's brother and says "So you must be September." The kid says, "No, October." My dad thought it was a little weird, but just thought that the patents had a theme for their kid names and moved on.
All practice, my dad kept trying to get "October's" attention and didn't understand why he wasn't listening. He wasn't having any other issues with the other kids, but this kid just refused to acknowledge when my dad was trying to talk to him. Finally, my dad goes up to him and say, "Okay, tell me your name again." The boy says "I'm Gideon." My dad goes: "You told me your name was October! That's what I've been calling you all day." And Gideon says, "No, I was born in October. My name is Gideon!"
So all afternoon, my dad got this kid's name wrong all because of a backfired Dad joke. It did have the added benefit of bringing me a smile on a tough day, though.
(Warning: some setup required)
My friend and I lived in an apartment building years ago that had grills on the roof for community use. But so paranoid were they about people damaging them that they kept them locked at all times and required residents to reserve the grills and sign out the key from the front desk.
One day we signed out the key and were finishing grilling some burgers when another resident, who didn’t know the policy, came up to the roof wanting to grill. We shared a laugh at how stupid the system was before giving him the key and telling him to lock the grill when he was done.
An hour later, my friend gets an angry call from the front desk asking where the key is. We explain that we gave it to someone else and he should have returned it. Evidently they never did. They eventually had to cut the lock off and were very irritated with us, but we figured there was nothing to be done and the other guy was just being a jerk not returning the key.
The next day my friend goes to take a shower…and finds the key in one of the pockets of his shorts. He quickly tossed the key in a dumpster. We felt pretty dumb, but no one ever found out and we never got into any trouble because in this country, everyone is innocent—until proven grill key.
So He created 24 hours and decided to call it a day.
My dentist appointment is at Tooth-Irty!
https://imgur.com/gallery/cqAKGJ2
^ This is my reminder card I took a picture of the day I got it. I was actually surprised, after I made the Tooth-Irty joke a few appointments back, all of the front desk ladies straight hasn't ever heard that joke before and was face palm cracking up. How have they NEVER heard that joke before?! Either way, I was so stupid giddy when they scheduled it and I wanted to share today.
Keep calling your kids hungry, and never stop checking the thermostat.
About ten years ago, I was watching TV by myself at home. It was a rally car race, some kind of continent vs continent competition (team north America vs team asia vs team europe etc.). Weeks days later for whatever reason I was thinking about that rave randomly, and I thought, "Thats what I call continental drift!". Its not a hilarious joke but it was so situational perfect, I've been waiting over a decade to be in the same situation but I've never been able to make that joke.
Do you have any perfect missed opportunities we can mourne?
My cousin (MtF) has just come out to the family- she told some of us "younger" ones but she was afraid especially of what her dad's reaction would be. He's a man of few words and was never outgoing or very affectionate to his kids, his side of the family is pretty conservative as well. A very as-seen-on-TV-in-the-90s dad with a handlebar moustache and multiple different-but-same polo t-shirts. Her mum passed a few years ago and they are even more distant than ever. It was finally the big day and she told him in front of a couple of us. The silence seemed to stretch on into the infinite. After some time, he got up, and without even a slight change in expression he said- "so I guess you can't see me now".
...
More silence
...
"Because I'm a transparent geddit?" With the most gigantic smile I've EVER seen him crack.
It's been 5 days and he's been cracking the same joke on every opportunity he can, ever since.
Edit- I forgot my favorite part- he asked her if she would like to add her mum's name in her new one because he missed saying it. I BAWLED my eyes out.
Edit2: obligatory I can't believe how much this blew up! We met at a family gathering yesterday and he was still chuckling so i decided to post this. I sent my cousin this post and she says he's very proud of himself. Thanks for all the awards! This is crazy!
I see that there was some confusion about the moustache description - we're a first generation Indian - Hindu family, and it's traditional especially for the older generation I think.
It's a cute moment, but not everyone is as positive. Some neighbors, people at school, a teacher or so (it's just a phase! you'll ruin your life!), and she's been handling calls all day from AH family members who only call for gossip.
I am not a dad. I am a daughter. For longer than I can remember, I have called my dad at "too early" times in the morning, woke him up, and told him a joke. This was a daily occurrence. Hence how I found this sub.
My dad died on Monday. You guys helped me wake him up with laughter so many times and I got to hear him laugh every day. Thank you r/dadjokes.
Edit: spelling
Wow I really did not expect so many people to see this post or to take the time to comment and reach out to me. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words. It really means a lot. This is a great community and I'm so glad to have found it. As a mom to two beautiful little jokesters, I will absolutely continue pestering them with daily jokes and keep the tradition and the laughter alive.
For those asking, his favorite jokes were the really long ones that took forever to tell and had bad/ the best punchlines. The one that immediately sticks out was posted here either Sunday or Monday and was the last one I got to tell him. I will see if I can find it and figure out how to link. It was about a farmer who really loved tractors.
Thank you to the kind redditors who found it for me.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/slwg7y/bit_of_a_story_to_this_one_but_well_worth_the_read/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡This is a compilation from the internet, and a few I made or heard myself. Hope you laugh!
^((Elephant Jokes were a thing from the 1960s. You can read about them on Wikipedia.))
^((Each section should be read all at once, in order. Some sections also reference previous sections. ))
Mouse
Q: Why did the elephant run from the mouse?
A: Because it had a bazooka.
Q: Why did the mouse chase the elephant?
A: To steal the bazooka.
Toenails
Q: Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?
A: So it could hide in a cherry tree.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: Works, doesn't it?
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in a cherry tree?
A: Tickle the cherries and see if they laugh.
Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
A: A giraffe eating cherries.
Q: How can you tell if there have been elephants in your fridge?
A: There are footprints in the custard.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?
A: That's not paint, it's custard.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, blue, green, orange, yellow, and brown?
A: So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.
Q: How did the mouse break his back?
A: He tried to carry a bag of M&Ms home from the store.
Oak Trees
Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 1 and 2 in the afternoon?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the oak tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the oak tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the oak tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the oak tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: Why is it dangerous to walk in the forest between 3 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants fall out of the oak trees.
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that crossed the woods at 3:30 in the afternoon.
Under the Bed
Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?
A: He has a big 'E' on hi
... keep reading on reddit ➡Backstory my dad used to "telecommute" back in the mid-late 90's, before it was cool. He comes home from work at his local telecommuting office one day, being the stern serious guy he is, says he was walking through the parking garage and saw an ambulance loading a guy up, blood soaking through the sheet on the cot at the foot, they drive off, and he sees a cooler sitting there, goes over and opens it, it's a severed toe...says "so you know what I did?"...."called a tow truck".
First call of the day. Woman calls because her newborn daughter was not properly added to the plan even though she completed and submitted the paperwork to her HR. She is nowhere to be found. I asked for her daughters name...
It was Mia. The lady was really upset and I had to stuff my laughter into a mug of coffee.
I have one in particular that irks me to no end. One day when I was 12, my brother and I were chilling watching racing on TV. It was a rally car race, and it was team North America vs South America vs Europe vs Asia etc. , you get the point.
Two years later, something triggered my memory and I remembered watching that race with my brother. I immediately thought, "THATS WHAT YOUD CALL CONTINENTAL DRIFT".
Its not gutbusting funny or anything but it was just so perfect for the moment, but its such a specific situation that I know ill never have an opportunity to utter those words, my disappointment is immeasurable and I will be forever longing. Im now a 27 year old dad, I still am looking for an opportunity to use it, no luck so far.
Have you ever had a situation similar to mine? What are your jokes lost at sea?
So a long time ago, there was a tribe of people living in the jungle. They were ruled by a cruel and terrible king who lived the high life in a large and sturdy structure he called his palace, while his subjects had to hobble together homes out of grass and straw. The king would also frequently demand tribute, forcing his people to bring him offerings of food, to the point where some people were outright starving.
One day, a group of insurgents had had enough. They snuck into the kings palace at night, knocked out the guards, and stole the kings glamorous throne. They brought the throne back to their hut, and stowed it under a tarp.
When the king awoke the next morning, to say he was angry would be an understatement. He ordered his guards to search the village until they found the throne, and to kill the insurgents who would dare humiliate him.
The insurgents panicked when the guards showed up. The tarp was removed, and there was the throne. Rather than risk the thieves escaping, the king ordered his guards to torch the hut, destroying it, the throne, and the insurgents all at once.
It just goes to show; people in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
They didn't get along at all - constant bickering, calling cops on one another, so on and so forth. It finally came to a head one day when they got into a fight and the swordfish killed the guy.
Moral of the story is that those who live by the swordfish, die by the swordfish.
Yes, you've caught me I'm not actually a dad but rather a 16 year old female. This is a mess of a story so please bear with me:)
The other day I went downstairs to take my nighttime meds. When I got to the dining room, I saw my dad sitting at the island and he just looked so... sad. I've NEVER seen him like that before but he just seemed so lost and it broke me to see him like that.
My dad always puts on the tough guy act for whatever reason. I doubt he wanted anyone to see him like that so I pretended not to notice. So, I walked over and started chatting with him. We talked about school and video games for a bit until the conversation went a bit dead. However, I had the lovely idea of telling him some dad jokes because those always cheer me up:)
Here are a few of the jokes I told (yes, I did steal them from here haha):
What did the lawyer wear to court?
A lawsuit
-----------
What do you call a romantic vampire?
A necromancer
-----------
Why didn't 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2²
----------
I told more but I don't remember them off the top of my head.
Those jokes did spark conversation and it made me realize how much I missed having chats with my dad.
After about an hour and a half, I unfortunately had to go to bed as I had school in the morning.
However, since then my dad and I have been regularly having chats:)
It was a we'll needed break. I'd been busy shopping all day. We had been stocking the cupboards with tins, ketchup, mayo, mustard etc. So me and my lovely wife were gunna have some grub and a drink before cosying down for the night.
After my food arrived I asked for some ketchup. But they didn't have any. They didn't have chance to stock up today and have run out of all their sauces. And this food needed something to mask the actual taste. So I quickly nipped back home and grabbed all of my selection, just in case the Mrs ended up wanting something different. She usually does
While I was eating there were a few complaints and people walking out because of the situation.
The man in the kitchen looked stressed and about to burst into tears. So I called over the waitres and handed over my sauce selection and said " my condiments to the chef"
So they called it a day
If Adele ever decided to do a charity concert, she could call it Adele-Aid.
And if it were to take place in the capital of South Australia, it would be Adele-Aid Adelaide.
And if it were to be delayed, it would be a delayed Adele-Aid Adelaide.
And if it were so delayed that it had to be postponed until the next day, it would be a delayed Adele-Aid Adelaide a day late.
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Many stories have resulted from the tragic sinking of the great ship, the Titanic. Some not as well-known as others. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This shipment would have been the largest shipment ever exported to Mexico. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about the stuff, were eagerly awaiting deliver and were disconsolate at the loss; so much so, that they declared a National Day Of Mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
So they called it a Day.
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
So i got him two cans and called it a day.
My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!
- I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
- I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
- I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
- I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
- I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
- I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
- I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
- I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
- I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
- I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
- I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
- I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
- I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
- I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
- I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
- I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
- I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
- I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
- I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
- I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
- I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
- I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
- I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
- I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
- I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
- I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
- I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
- I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
- I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
- I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
- I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
- I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
- I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit
