While shopping my wife stopped in the make-up section to buy concealer but couldn’t find any.
I now understand why she said it’s the best product on the market.
Where do men in Southeast Asia go to buy neckwear?
A friend of mine told me he was looking to buy stock in Bose.
I told him it would be a sound investment.
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
My buddy got to the Nissan dealership just in time to buy his truck during a sales event.
It was the Final Frontier
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
A man goes into a pet store to buy a puppy to keep his horses company in their stable.
"What's the best breed for horses like those you'd see in the old west movies," he asks the owner, "my mares are just like that." The owner thinks for a minute, then replies "Dachshund."
The man is surprised, and replies "are you sure about that? I was picturing something bigger that wouldn't get trampled on." The owner nods, and says "Yup, it's just like the movies - if you want your horses to behave, you get a long little doggie."
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
A man in a watch store decided to buy a watch, but wanted it sprayed with Matte.
"Not on my watch" said the store clerk.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper
I was only going to buy one budgie, but in the end I got two.
I want to buy a second NBA team in Miami.
At the press conference, when they ask me what the team name is, I’ll say, “it’s not the Heat. It’s the Humidity.”
(Credit to Brian Regan)
Where is the best place to buy meat in India?
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee...
But no. I was charged $30 a pop.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers...
The husband says that he didn’t know she sold flowers
My English grammar teacher was having some marriage problems and it was really getting to him, so the whole class joined in to buy him a gift
After we bought him a simple present, he was past tense
I got a job waiting in line to buy concert tickets for people.
It is a long standing commitment.
I recently moved in with my rich dad to his house on the French country side. I’m afraid I’ll never be as successful as him and buy my own place.
I guess I’ll always live in my fathers chateau.
Why is Dad in such a hurry to buy the glue right before the road trip?
Because it's important that everyone sticks to the plan.
Where do you buy car parts in 962-973 AD Rome?
I was planning to buy my kids a jack-in-the-box for Christmas
But after looking for hours, I decided to pass. Nothing really jumped out at me.
Where can you buy cheese and ham in India?
I decided not to buy a baguette after seeing a pathetic mock up of it in the bakery window.
It was a terrible roll model.
If you buy an album and it goes platinum, you're technically one in a million.
If you buy a male prostitute in America, you are spending USD to get a US D
If you buy a Ford Mustang Mach-E in brown, do they badge in Mach-E-ato?
If you buy real, block Parmesan you don't have to worry about tossing it in your bag
I can easily buy a Xiaomi phone in Asia
Did you know you can buy teabags with viagra in them?
No good for penis but stops your biscuit going soft!
What's the cheapest thing you can buy in the meat market?
A deer testicle because it's under a buck.
Home Depot wouldn't let me buy a hammer in store.
They said they have to mallet to me.
I was in two minds whether to buy a metal cabinet to store my valuables.
In the end, it was a safe investment.
I went to buy a funeral plot in preparation for my eventual death...
I have to say, I had grave reservations when I left.
My wife asked me, “Could you go to the store and buy one gallon of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.” When I came home with 6 gallons of milk, she shrieked, “Why in the world did you buy 6 gallons of milk!?”
I replied, “They had avocados.”
You cannot buy a carbonated beverage any larger than 8 oz in the state of Minnesota
TIL that Cards Against Humanity joked that they could buy an island with the money they donate to charity, so they bought an island in Maine to preserve wildlife. They named it ‘Hawaii 2’ because “it’s on the Maine land.”
connecticut.cbslocal.com/…
So I just got my wife with this one... She asked to go to Victoria's Secret to buy some new underwear... She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them...
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?"
I could feel the eye roll from across the room
If you buy Disney stock, and wait till they start competing with Netflix in November, you won't want to go to Disneyland or Disney World.
The stock itself will give you enough of a roller coaster ride.
My dad told me to never buy stock in Lipton, Tetley, or Twinings.
He always said, “Money doesn’t grow on teas.”
LPT: Want beer but are too young to buy it? Buy rootbeer and put it in a square glass. The square cancels out the root and all that's left is beer!
reddit.com/r/ShittyLifePr…
My sister in the US Navy broke her foot, and has to wear tennis shoes instead of boots, to properly heal. She said that they made her buy new black shoes, instead of her normal shoes. She said that it just seemed so petty to make her do that...
I told her that it sounded like a decision that came from a Petty Officer.
I’ve decided I’m not going to buy my mother-in-law a Christmas present this year.
She still refuses to plug-in the chair I bought for her last year.
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