I borrowed materials from my friend years ago who is a chain link enthusiast. During a heated conversation, I exclaimed that wood is superior...

I didn't expect it but he took a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alexd281
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Borrowed from youtube comments.
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatty_mcfatball
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you feel like a thing that is borrowed, especially a sum of money that is expected to be paid back with interest?

You are not a loan.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jt372
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Borrowed from r/Historymemes
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PRATtheBRAT1
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm vacationing in a part of Puerto Rico know for violent crime, so I borrowed some of my friend's xanax.

He told me it's great at preventing Hispanic attacks.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the borrowed money not afraid anymore?

Because it wasn't a loan any more.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My French friend borrowed 1,000 gallons of water from me...

He wrote me an IO eau.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I was pissed off at my buddy Mark who borrowed my dictionary and refuses to return it.

I said, β€œMark, my words!”

πŸ‘︎ 352
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
🚨︎ report
There should be a holiday where we remember all the borrowed items we’ve given out that have never been returned.

We’ll call it β€œLent”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My son Brary told me that books can no longer be borrowed from the book house.

That’s a lie, Brary.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xFarrokh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend borrowed a pencil from me...

he broke the tip and gave it back. I looked at him and said "I can't use it now, it's pointless giving it back to me".

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gurg0ry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2017
🚨︎ report
I borrowed a pair of sandals from my friend

His name is Felipe Follope.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/machschau
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Borrowed my boss's personal truck

He had a saw in the back of his truck, but it needed to be taken out temporarily. So I put it in the shop, but forget to put it back when I was done. This happened..

Boss: Was my saw in my truck when you took it? Me: Yes Boss: It's not there anymore. Me: Do you think it was stolen? Boss: .... Me: Well I hope someone "saw" it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheeBaconKing
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
🚨︎ report
I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow.

But he was Nicholas.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
When you borrow a chair

I borrowed my daughter's desk chair for about ten minutes earlier today. As I was bringing it back I said "They say when you borrow someone's car you should return it with a full tank of gas..." It took her about 3 seconds to reply "Nooooo! Did you fart in my chair?"

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beirdo-Baggins
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked Rick Astley to let me borrow his copy of the movie UP.

He said he'd never give it to me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I crack bad jokes about having to borrow my parents old clothes because my job doesn't pay well...

What can I say? I've got my father's jeans.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cumdaddy01
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
If someone can borrow me some chromosomes,

I'm down.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eliasgamer7032
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why skeletons can't go outside and have fun?

Because they don't have any body to go with.

Source: Borrowed from r/UncleJokes

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danuser8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my Indian neighbour if I could borrow some bread...

He said he had naan.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaredwaywell
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Ryu tell Ken when he asked if he could borrow ten bucks?

"Shoryuken."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bricksnblasters
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?

Kristen: Sure!

Christen: thank you

Kris: Anytime

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Icy9kills
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.

I prefer the ladder.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
With all this snow lately sledges have been sold out everywhere. . .

So I have borrowed my sisters sledge, she doesn't mind because we are family.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Surreal_Stranger
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
There was a guy named Allen Thunder, he had a son Ben

What's special about Ben?

Well, just borrow his truck... now you have Ben Thunder's truck.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chx_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!

I didn’t want to toot my own horn.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.

I'd hate to toot my own horn.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
🚨︎ report
There are reports that, because of the covid outbreak, Rick Astley is hoarding copies of a 2009 Pixar film, and all albums by a southern metal band from New Orleans. He is not allowing anyone to borrow them. It's also said that Mr. Astley is refusing to go out and purchase cake for others.

To summarize:

He's never gonna give you Up

Never gonna lend you Down

Never gonna run around, and dessert you.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.

Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as?

Me: a walking dad joke.

Her: ...?

Me: I'd be kind of lame.

πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My son borrows money from me every week, so I told him, β€œI don’t think you understand the seriousness of your debt situation.”

He said, β€œOh please. You should really give me a bit more credit.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Can I borrow your butt?

Mine has a hole in it.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wutisthis66204
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My friends never let me borrow money for arcade games at the roller rink

Cheap skates

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/druebird86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
We were at the library when my mate asked "Hey, could I borrow your book mark?"

I got mad and walked out. After 3 years of being college flatmates, he doesn't even know my name is Tom.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeepenTeepen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
If your girlfriend borrows your sweater forever

Did she jacket?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cornelius_M
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
"Hey Son, thanks for letting me borrow your car. By the way I got some water in the carburator." "Where's my car?"

"In the River!..."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dartis_X-UI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I borrowed materials from my friend years ago who is a chain link enthusiast. During a heated conversation, I exclaimed that wood is superior...

I didn't expect it but he took a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alexd281
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow. But he was Nicholas.
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection...

Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you never ask Rick Astley to borrow his Pixar collection?

Because he’s never gonna give you β€œUp.”

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingInTheNorth57
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except for one.

He’s never gonna give you Up.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tmarsee530
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
CHRIS: hey,can I borrow a ten?

KRISTEN: sure. CHRISTEN: thank you. KRIS: you're welcome.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
🚨︎ report

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