I have Irritable Vowel Syndrome.
A frog walks into a bank. He walks up to a desk and sees the name plate "Patty Whack Loan Officer". He says "I'd like to get a loan to start a business making lily-pad art." Patty, a little put off by a talking frog says "Okay, but we are going to need some kind of collateral." The frog says"I have this." and he puts a small porcelain figurine on her desk. She says "That's very nice but I'm not sure it's enough. Do you have any references?" "Sure!" the frog replies. "My Father is Mic Jager!" Further taken aback, Patty says, "I'll have to check this with the bank manager." She calls the bank manager over and explains the odd situation. "I don't know what's going on...this frog says his father is Mic Jager and all he has for collateral is this...figurine thing." The bank manager looks up and smiles at her and says "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!"
Simple, I said, the prodigal son returns...
Because he was Baroque.
What are your best dad jokes for the maternity visit? The baby is days away and I need an arsenal for these here finger guns (โ๏พใฎ๏พ)โ
A credditor
He's never gonna give you Up
Heโs never gonna give you Up.
He's a lone-wolf loan-shark.
It really a'maize'ing, because of how it pops. And at the end a kernel of truth. It's a grain.
He's never gonna give you "Up"
Courtesy of my dad, of course
โI donโt know, youโre the one with a jobโ
But he was Nicolas!
Forever a loan
He said he has none
"No, I'm trying to get a leg up."
(my actual amputee father)
I'm never gonna give you UP, but I'm never gonna let you down...
Most of them are bookkeepers
Owe-Me-One Kenobi
Yeah, left or right?
Son: โYeah you can have itโ.
Dad: โThatโs great son but I was hoping for the whole bookโ.
Me: "Sorry, I'm attached to it"
I saw this Pun earlier today and it got me thinking that I want to have a pun potluck. So far I can make the punchline of u/KennyTheDownsTigr pun and some Evil Spirits for us to slug.
We had corn on the cob for dinner tonight. My mom: "The corn was off the chain tonight!" Me: "No, the corn is off the cob."
Which went largely ignored as i chuckled to myself about it.
I tell him that they /r/dadjokes.
Hopefully this is the right place for it - but I'm looking to create a wedding hashtag with our future last names. So far, we only have 'pining for macalpine' but, as someone pointed out, that has a rather negative connotation. Unfortunately, our first names don't lend to puns/rhymes.
Any alp would be appreciated.
He was willing to lend an ear.
To summarize:
He's never gonna give you Up
Never gonna lend you Down
Never gonna run around, and dessert you.
[Just some context]
Like my father, I sneeze loudly. I sneeze so loudly in fact, while walking my dog this morning, my wife heard me sneeze from 200m away, in our apartment.
When I got home my wife greeted me, "Hello, Sneezer."
I replied, devastated, "Et tu Brute?"
https://imgur.com/gallery/KLwqu
Then please, lend me your ear.
I have a bunch of stupid baseball questions. I know most of the rules, I just want to make sure I have all my bases covered.
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Imagine thereโs a fan of the team that is currently fielding in the stands, and that said fan has a prosthetic arm. The batter hits a pitch and sends it on a home-run trajectory into the stands. If the fan in the stands throws his arm at the ball and diverts it back in the field of play, can they rightfully say that they were just โlending the team a handโ by stopping the home run?
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Consider the exact opposite situation - the fanโs team is at bat and the batter hits a fly ball to the outfield. If Elastagirl from the Incredibles just happened to be the fan in question, can she spring into action and catch the ball before the outfielder has the chance to?
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Now, imagine I smuggled a water gun into the stadium on a particularly hot day, and I managed to squirt sticky black liquid onto the batter. Does that mean he can take a walk since he was โhit by pitchโ?
-
Consider the freak circumstance where a ball in motion collides with a bird, causing it to spiral in its descent and eventually collide in turn with an umpire. Can the player responsible for the ballโs motion be ejected from the game due to repeatedly flipping the bird at an umpire?
-
Can a losing team sub out their man on the mound with a large quantity of beer to prolong the game? Thereโd still be a pitcher on the mound!
-
If a pitcher throws a slider into the strike zone and the batter doesnโt swing, should the umpire consider it a strike, a ball, or the catcherโs dinner?
He's never gonna give you 'Up'
.. an employee offered to lend him a hand
I quickly replied "We'd lend you a hand." My girlfriend and I burst out laughing!
Wife: Did you hear Buca di Beppo (an Italian restaurant) is serving a three course dish called Friends, Romans, and Countrymen?
Me: Will we need to bring corn?
Wife: I don't know. Why?
Me: I assume we will need to lend them some ears.
I'm working on a silly project for my job, and I'm trying to come up with punny fake names for the name tags. I work at a community bank - anything finance and banking product or industry related is good, I am god awful at puns and so far I've only got these:
Ann U. Ities Dee Posit Owen A. Lott
Punmasters and fans, lend me your talents? :)
I have a few examples of what I'm looking for. I like them, but I'm sure the power of Reddit can come up with some that are even better!
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William (Bill) Ding
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James (Jim) Nastics
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Bart Ender
-
Ted Manwalkin
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Gustavo (Gus) Undheit
As you can see, they don't even have to be straight up puns when said normally, but their common nicknames lend themselves into it. Anyone have any more good ones? Bad ones are appreciated too, lets all have a laugh!
He's never gonna give you Up
He's never gonna give you up.
But he's Never Gonna Give You Up.
He's never going to give you Up.
But please, lend me your ear
