I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?
He got caught picking his nose!
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
A man is walking down the street holding a bag of pasta upside down...
And then the penne dropped.
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
I was given a bag of peanuts that had been blessed by the Pope.
I gave them away...I hate religious nuts.
What do bears in Turkey say when they see tourists in sleeping bags?
I’ve got a friend that fell in love with two school bags
Wife amazed that the price of the soil for her garden was 4.95/50lb bag
I told her thats dirt cheap
It just happened. I'm evolving
Whenever I travel, I pack my underpants in a seperate bag
Why do vultures never check their bags on an airline?
Cashier: “Do you want milk in the bags?”
Dad: “No, thanks. The carton is fine”.
I was arrested for having jello in the shape of a gun in my bag
The officers charged me for having a congealed weapon
How do you fit an Elephant into a Safeway bag?
You take the ‘S’ out of Safe and the ‘F’ out of way!
i have a joke about a punching bag.
the punching bag is the punchline.
I got two cookies in one bag at the Chinese restaurant...
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
Just to make the cremation process a little bit more interesting.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a tea bag.
On the way home I got mugged.
I was assaulted with a bag of soil
But I can't go to the cops cause they got dirt on me.
I bought a box of condoms from the store the other day and the cashier asked me if I wanted a bag
I said “nah, I’ll just turn the lights off.”
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?
Bearritos.
This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/
My friend injects his marijuana plants with sugar water as they grow, they sells bags of it for much higher prices...
He's trying to sweeten the pot.
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says “My wife’s an angel
I said, “you’re lucky – mine is still alive…”
Did you hear about the unreadable writer with a colostomy bag?
Turns out he only had a semicolon.
What did Homer say when he didn't bag a female deer on the hunting trip?
What did the pencil bag say when it got poked?
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag?
Me: No thank you. You can just leave it in the carton.
While paying for groceries at a local store ,they had reusable shopping bags with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on them with a handwritten sign that said $.99 for a better tomorrow.
I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I'm starting a business in airports selling bags with the faces of Sid James, Hattie Jacques, Kenneth Williams, Charles Hawtrey and Joan Sims on them.
It'll be called "Carry On Baggage".
So I've lost a bag of cruciferous root vegetables...
...but it's okay, I'm sure they'll turnip somewhere.
Why do dolphins use sleeping bags?
For all in tents and porpoises.
Husband: Honey! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery...
Wife: That’s wonderful, honey! Where are we going?
Husband: “We’re” not going anywhere.
I was helping my wife carry the grocery bags inside the house. All of the sudden she gets mad at me and says to carry more stuff.
I mean I would carry more but my hands were tide.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
I pack a soda in my bag everyday but it HAS to be on top.
Wouldn’t want it to get flat.
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag...
I told her to please leave it in the jug.
My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier :D
The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
Did you hear about the man that got sick from eating a bag of liquorice a day?
Mailmans bag...
Whilst doing a crossword I said to the wife "Mailmans bag?"
She asked "How many letters"
"Thousands" I replied.
What bag can a person be?
Grocery Bagger: Do you want the milk in a bag?
Dad: That's okay, just leave it in the carton.
Rubbish bags are useless, I find.
I always put them in the bin straight after I buy them
What did the potato chip bag say to the battery?
I’m Frito Lay if you’re Eveready.
The delivery guy accidentally got us 3 extra bags of flour
Why was the snowman rooting around in a bag of carrots?
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?
Bearritos.
This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
