Jesus Christ would you look at the time
What are you if you smoke marijuana and masturbate at the same time?
Why do you call the guy that’s afraid a pear will annoy him at any time?
At what time of the year do women speak the least?
February. It has the least days.
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
I failed maths so many times at school.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"
The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
What do you call it when two Egyptians fart at the same time?
I tried to quell a disagreement between me and my girlfriend in the shopping mall. But by the time we got to the second level we were shouting at each other.
In retrospect we shouldn’t have been on that escalator.
TIL: Two elephants of the same herd won’t go into the same body of water together at the same time.
It’s because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them.
What do you call two people looking at the same thing at different times?
I told me therapist, “Last night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”
Therapist: I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.
What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Be careful when you book your family camping trips; my wife was menstruating last time, and she couldn't enjoy herself at all...
... It certainly was an in tents period.
My grandpa used to have a job keeping score at baseball games. Every time someone scored a run, he'd whack up a mark on a chalkboard.
Nowadays you'd call him a scorekeeper, but back then he was a tally whacker.
Why won't the bird defense attorney speak to more than one crow at a time?
Because anything more than one is murder.
I waited a long time for my food at the midget restaurant
I guess they were a little short-staffed
I own a fake town which is actually a horror theme park and I only let a few people in at a time to keep demand and prices high.
It's called artificial scare-city
What do you call it when a teacher watches his class as they take a test and plays online poker at the same time?
People overcome adversity all the time... Look at Beethoven.
They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
One time my friends really wanted me to join them for a fishing excursion. I didn't want to at first but eventually joined them...
I am afraid that I succumbed to pier pressure.
Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
If so, you may be entitled to condensation.
What time is it if you're at the dentist?
A drug addicted midget is the only thing that will always be both lower and higher than me at the same time.
Setting my heights real low on this one guys. Lol
The first time I seen my Wife was at the local Zoo. Our eyes met..
..and I knew She was a Keeper.
Once upon a time a postman was working at a new place
Oh wait don't worry the joke has been postponed
How do you make 3 old ladies all yell profanities at the same time ?
Have a fourth one yell "BINGO"
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.
Started a job at an accounting apprenticeship office... took me an unreasonably long time to get the pun in their slogan
My Vet said our puppy requires supervision at all times.
I told him that I would be happy to consider LASIK, but wondered how it would help us potty train him?
Next time you see a packet of salt at a restaurant, throw it at your friend.
Then say, “That’s a salt!”
Her anger jumped discontinuously at that point in time.
Me: My love for you is 0/0
Her: Aww, infinite?
Me: Nahh,Undefined.
Her: Why are you like this, is there no limit to your stupidity?
Me: Umm, now that you say it, I should've applied a limit to it.
Her: I want to break your bones, ugh.
Me: So are you saying that I'll have to re-visit the l'hospital?
Although at times the cops were able to catch up to that orange car on the Dukes of Hazard tv show...
...GeneralLee they weren’t fast enough
A boy leaned over to steal a kiss from his girl, but she was leaning over to steal a kiss at the same time.
They both made out like bandits.
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
I once worked at a place where I had to use a pay-to-cross bridge 10 times a day...
Yesterday I had a 10-point, an 8-point, and a 4-point buck in my yard at the same time.
What's black, white, and Asian at the same time?
What time does Sean Connery typically arrive at Wimbledon?
What do you call it when two ancient Egyptians fart at the same time?
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
My Dad once told me this: "People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven."
"They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?"
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
If so, you may be entitled to condensation.
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