At Dinner Puns

She swung and missed (getting to "Pleading the fifth" before eventually ending up at "Salmon the fifth?").

Then my 5-year-old daughter asked, "What was the first word you said?" and when told it was "Pleading," she said, "It would be 'Pleading the FISH'!"

I've never been so proud of her.

...don't use shallot."

I told her it’s so he can cut corners

Story tme: Last night, my family went to a fancy steak dinner to celebrate a bunch of stuff, and i was pulling my normal dad jokes, when I thought of the best one yet. So, i told everyone i thought of a great joke and was waiting for the steaks to arrive to tell it. They thanked me for warning them.

Cue steaks arriving and I pull an ice cube out of my glass of water and put it on my steak, saying:

Y'know, this is just icing on the steak!

I had an escape-pea!

She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

Another day, another Dawn.

Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.

Wife: What are you thinking?

Me: Business casual.

I wanted peas and quiet.

Cousin: I really want a dog this year.

Wife: What kind do you want?

Cousin: I’m really wanting a poodle.

My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of “poudles” around.

Everyone else : 🙄

And then get jailed for 12 months just for a man's laughter.

• Me: Decides to be adventurous at dinner, orders pasta with squid ink
• My dad: “My dinner is delicious, you should try some”
• Me: “Only if you try a bite of this pasta, it’s really good too”
• My dad, who rarely tells jokes, starts smiling: “So you’re suggesting a... squid pro quo?”

My dad responded: alright punny, that's enough. It's my turn.

The groan from everyone was like an earthquake

Forkknife!

Singing “Wakeme up before you go go” apparently wasn’t as hysterical to everyone else.

I guess he bit off more than he could achoo.

Me: "So I've decided to give up studying medicine to become a yoga instructor."

Mum: gets up, pushes her chair in and leaves the dinner table

Me: "Nah, ma! Stay!"

He said "don't be dishrespectful"

I said no we are American

And my dad yelled “A straw!!”

You really are what you eat.

Figure eight.

I pulled out all the Pops!

Because the meat was Chewie.

Why would I want two empty wine glasses.

"Why don't you guys use chairs like everyone else?" I asked.

Towels.

"Where's the bread?"

So we are at a restaurant and we just finished shopping and got a broom and other things. So this conversation breaks out...

Sister: hugging broom So, this is my new boyfriend!

Dad: Really?

Sister: Yeah, we been together 1 year.

Dad: You should tell him to clean up his act.

Me: facepalms

[Hope this isnt a repost joke]

I said "Kenya not?".

Use your fork, Luke!

*sister takes out the trash but doesn't replace the trash bag*

Dad: "hey do you have a whole butt?"

Sister: *blinks* "what?"

Dad: "do you have a whole butt? or do you have a half butt?"

Sister: "uh I am pretty sure a whole butt..."

Dad: *points to trashcan* "then why did you half ass the job?"

I was on a roll!

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais “Okay, okay. We were watching porn”

Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

I was visiting my folks, and decided to take em out to dinner when Ma got home. We go for a feed, all is well. I'm standing up at the end of the table, leaning on its edge with me phone out as Ma was organising herself. Da came back from the loo, and asked me what I was doing on me phone.

"Checking me balance." I replied, showing him my bank app. I had just been paid and was moving money around to savings and such, after paying for dinner by phone NFC.

Without warning he gives me a good hip n shoulder, not hard enough to send me flying but enough to shift me a bit.

"Ya balance looks shit, boy."

He smirks at me as Ma groans audibly. Cheeky old bugger.

This is why he's going in a crooked retirement home you always see on the News.

I’m a real cereal killer.

She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.”

“Alright,” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.”

I guess that was my missedsteak

Me: Ok. And for the main course?

My dad almost choked on a small flake of pizza crust, and he spent several minutes coughing in a loud and alarming way.

Finally he stopped, and he was all better. Someone caused him to chuckle, which triggered another fit of coughing.

I said... “That definitely didn’t go well; I think he had a ‘re-laughse’!”

“It’s corny.”

Everyone: groans and laughter

Wife: “ok that one was clever.”

Me: “There was a kernel of truth to it.”

Wife: broken with laughter.

I would say yes and then he'd reply then get on the floor and roll.

"Nice to meet you full, I'm Phil"

Edit: Sorry if this has been posted before, my dad used to do this all the time.

It was a big missed steak.

Me: Very easily. It was right next to the potatoes.

I asked her if she could give us a brief summary about it.

About ten minutes ago at dinner war broke out. My little brother (4 years old) and my little sister (8) were fighting so my mom told them to stop which made my brother cry for some reason. My dad said "are you crying?" And he said yes. My dad goes "hi crying I'm dad!!" Which made him cry more. He kept doing it to us and I look at him seriously and say "are you gunna stop?" And he sighs and says fine. I go "hi gunna stop I'm Gage!!" And he bursts out laughing. My mom made us apologize to my little brother because we made him cry more with our jokes and then had him apologize to my sister. I say to my brother "are you sorry?" And he said yes... Ya you know what happened next. I went back to my room after dinner and I just heard my dad say to my mom "hi gunna kill myself I'm dad!!"

While on a cruise a few months ago, my wife, another couple and I were eating dinner in one of the fancier restaurants. We saw someone in uniform (who looked like the captain) eating dinner with a few others nearby.

Our friend asked "if that's the captain, then who's driving the boat?"

My response, "it's fine, he's got it on cruise control"

I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.”

They said, “That’s not what we meant.”

Me: Reach for the jalapenos to put on my enchiladas

Dad: Be careful. Those jalapenos can get really personal.

Me: What?

Dad: Yeah, they'll get jalap-en-yo business.

Me: Laugh hysterically

My dad told me to get help because I was an aquaholic.

"I didn’t get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early."

I was shitting bricks.

edit: I didn't tag this as wholesome.

My mother asked me to pass the cranberries. I picked up the dish and extended it to her but she didn’t reach for it. I was like, “Are you gonna take the cranberries or are you just gonna let it linger?”

Took a second but I got a few good laughs.

I’m not even a Dad... yet

She's not quite a year old, and clearly wasn't hungry anymore and was just playing with her food, including testing gravity, and just making a mess in general.

Then she started rubbing some on her face, and my wife says "Honey, stop putting the meat in your eye!"

I immediately respond "Well, it's more than meats the eye!"

Pretty sure she eyerolled so hard I could her her eyes falling out.

I said, what happens if your throw misses? Do they become miss-steaks? Wife hung up the phone.

(True story, actually happened. )

Ah, dad chokes.

My son just grinned and said to stop the illegal aliens.

I have never been so proud.

Mom: "Did you know that grapes can kill dogs?"

Dad: "You'd have to throw them pretty hard..."

My mom was not amused, but I was losing it haha

...and we were talking about someone's holiday in Dubai. My dad then came out with:

"Did you know that the people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones...but the people of Abu Dhabi Do"

Wife: "I don't really like cheese."
Me: "I know. You never laugh at any of my jokes."
Wife: ...

The turkey... it’s already stuffed.

... After we cleaned the mess, because he thought it was party time not dinner time, my wife was sitting, defeated, on the couch lamenting having a rowdy toddler. She was listing all the things that could be different if he was calmer (the kid is always full-throttle and smart as fuck, I love it but it's a lot to handle) including not stinking like soup. I look into her eyes, hold her hands in mine, lift her chin up and said:

"Baby, I love you. You smell super."

In unrelated news, sleeping on the couch is better than advertised.

i don't understand why everyone else was so confused when i put my slice in his office the next day

Last night, here in Mississippi, when I was at dinner, I encountered the strangest woman. She would sip her drink so loudly you could hear it across the room. Then when her soup came out, she brought the bowl to her mouth and took long sips. Then even when they brought out her ice cream dessert, she waited for it to melt and proceeded to sip that too!
When I watched all of this transpire, all that I could think to myself was

"Wow that Miss is sippy."

The waitress, going to refill my water glass asks, “May I see your glass?”

Me: (holds up glass) “Can you see it now?”

Wife: *sigh

Waitress: ...

Sure, but I prefer it cooked.

My dad: Yeah shes getting her limbs torn off...

Not sure if its classified as a dad joke but my dad couldnt stop laughing at his own joke.

My mom made stuffed peppers with with Shepherd's pie ground beef instead of stuffed pepper mix. So my dad goes... "I guess these are Shepherd's Peppers!"

He couldn't wait to spit that one out and had a great big laugh. Then told it again because my mom wasn't in the room.

Edit.. I don't think some people know the food involved. Stuffed peppers are these. And shepherds pie is this

Me (talking about work): “I just want to get ahead.” Her: “Dad, you already have a head.”

Brings tears to my eyes.

So we were eating dinner tonight, which is a rare treat because our work hours don't leave much overlapping free time. I had a dark glass with white wine with dinner. She asked what I was drinking, and I decided to recall a friend's joke.

Gf: boss_ginger, what are you drinking? Me: Oh, just water. Do you want it? I can pour another glass. Gf: Please, thank you. takes sip ... Gf: This is wine... Me: Raises hands into the air, leans back in chair Praise the LORD and his miracles!

Wife: ewww...use a fork. That's disgusting!

Me: I'm sure the food will taste as good as it did before-hand.

We both ordered Fish which had a lemon in a cheese cloth. This is our actually converstaion:

Wife: “This lemon condom is terrible, it's letting all the juice through.”

Me: “As long as it catches the seeds, it’s doing it’s job.”

Laughs were had.

"oh no, i pea'd on the table" he said

Allegedly, this happened a generation or two back in my family:

After having given birth to her first child, a far out aunt of mine was asked by a younger girl if it didn't hurt to push out a baby. Her husband broke into the conversation saying "No, of course not! If I could get seven pounds into her, then of course she could push seven pounds out!"

And there we sat, the entire family, in total awkward silence...

The young boy turned to the doctor and said "No. I eat at school and when I'm at home."

He's going to make a great Dad someday!

Looks at watch, I can't believe it's 20:16 already!

Big son: For a while now ... I've had the impression there's something wrong with this chair ...

Little son: Maybe you're just having "a bad chair day".

My daughter (13) hates listening to my Dad jokes all the time (down deep she really loves them)

So tonight at dinner I said, wow I'm so stuffed and she says, oh probably from all the stuffing eh!? She then says, oh god I'm turning into you! ☺️

"Nothing wrong at all, I'm saving the breast for last!"

"Use the fork Luke"

"Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"

Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am."

She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

Use the forks, Luke.