Your Stomach Puns

Or the farts you hold in.

Abdominal snowman

Pepto Abismol

You could say that I am abstaining from ab staining...

he responded a bit sluggishly "eh, It's not doing too well."

me: "uh oh, why not?"

him: "I don't know man, everything I eat turns to shit."

:I

real shitty experience

Probably shouldn't have eaten your eyes then.

He says I had to remove your stomach

The patient asks why

He replied man you don't have a stomach for jokes

Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!

It may not take up all your stomach but it will always keep your mind full

and the first cannibal says "I killed and ate a missionary yesterday, but I think he gave me an upset stomach." The second cannibal says "That's too bad. How'd you cook him?" The first cannibal says "Oh, I threw him in the giant pot of boiling water like always." The second cannibal says "Makes sense. And what did he look like?" The first cannibal says "The usual. Brown robe, rope belt, sandals." And the second cannibal says "Well there's your problem. You boiled him, and he was a friar."

GF: It hurts to hold it in and it's making my stomach feel bad.
Me: It's ok, you can fart in front of me. When you feel it coming, let it out slowly so it doesn't make a noise and sit directly on your butt so you'll trap it in and it won't smell.
GF: Wow, I didn't know you were my "Fart Teacher."
Me: I prefer "tutor."

Driving to the store with my wife, we had this conversation.

Her: "We just have to get milk, eggs, and some other staple foods."

Me: "Maybe that's why your stomach is always hurting..."

Her: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Because you eat staples!"

Her: "Yeah, gotta keep my shit together somehow."

He complains about having stomach problems. The doctor asks, "When was your last vowel movement?"

After being the only one who ate some, I noticed that there were two dead caterpillars on the plate, meaning I likely ate a few of them in the broccoli before noticing.

My fiance, as soon as I told no one else to eat the broccoli because caterpillars, immediately spoke up and said, "Are you nervous about eating those? Because I'm sure your going to have butterflies in your stomach about it later."

Doctor:"I've finished the diagnosis, you have ten to live" Patient:"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks?" Doctor:"Nine"

At the boomerang shop:"I would like to buy a new boomerang please, also could you tell how to throw the old one away"

Two elephants see a totally naked guy. After sometime one says to the another:"I don't get it, how does he feed himself with that?"

Patient:"Oh doctor, I'm so nervous, this is my first operation" Doctor:"don't worry, mine too"

A naked women robbed a bank, nobody could remember her face

A women in bikini shows almost 90% of her body, yet men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?" Grandpa:"so that all of you can be really sad when you die"

Dentist:"this is gonna hurt a bit" Patient:"OK" Dentist:"I've been having an affair with your wife"

Men 1845: I just killed a Buffalo Men 1952: I just fixed the roof Men 2018: I just shaved my legs

A women caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking his stomach. "That won't help you ,joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot" says the man"it's the only way I can see the numbers"

"Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?" "We can hear it better if he falls out"

I was sitting in my room playing with my dog, his name is Buster. My dog was being hyper while getting used to his new home.

My dad walks in and starts telling me about when he was my age and got a new dog.

( Insert sad music from the world's smallest violin here )

Dad: "When I was your age, my dad got me a pooch. His name was Rocket. I got him when he was around 4 years old, so he was pretty big. One day, I was working on my dad's truck and had a bucket of old gas sitting next to me. Rocket was outside playing around, being himself and came up to me. I slid back under the truck and heard some gulping sounds. I look over and see Rocket drinking big gulps of the gasoline. I screamed at him," Rocket No! You don't drink that!" Then he backed up, stumbling. I felt my heart sink to my stomach, I knew something was wrong with him. He took off running around the house. He ran around the house 2-3 times. Then he just fell over.."

Me: "Dead!?"

Dad: "Nah, he just ran out of gas."

Fuck off, Dad.

I'll start with mine.

1. If you eat the seeds of the watermelon, a watermelon plant will grow in your stomach.

2. If you grow up in a foreign country your face will turn into one of a foreigner (as chinese immigrants to spain, my parents told me this to get me to go to school)

3. My grandpa used to tell me that if I moved too much after eating the food would leak into my blood veins and I would die. Needless to say that scarred me for a long period of my infancy.

4. My grandma, conversely, told me that if I slept face down I would crush my heart and die. Screw you, grandma...

5. One of the most cruel lies was from my uncle, in which every time we heard police sirens, he would hurry and exclaim that the police was going after me for having too many toys... Made me scared of cops for a long time.

GF: "You forgot I am ill."

Me: "Oh I thought your stomach pain is gone, or else you would have mentioned it."

GF: "Yeah so I thought, but I went to see the doctor anyway."

Me: "What did the he say?"

GF: "He said I have intestine infection."

Me: "Ohhh so your gut feeling is all messed up now, isn't it?"..

After a moment of silence, she burst out laughing. And said goodnight with a kiss.

I am going to marry this one.

Me: "Dad, my stomach hurts"

Him: "Does your face hurt?"

Me: "No"

Him: "Well it's killing me!"

I was trying to make room for leftovers in the fridge and got out the last huge piece of cake. My daughter wanted all of it. I told her not to as it would go to waste. She took that as a challenge and finished it all. The smirk on her face disappeared when I pointed at her stomach and said "See, it went to your waist."

My other daughter walked in and asked "who ate the last of the cake?" I explained that her sister did because I was "cleaning out the fridge so I can fit in the leftovers. It was difficult, but once I took out the dessert, it was....

(wait for it)

a piece of cake."

I was watching TV with my dad and told him I wasn't feeling too well and might throw up. Sure enough I end up going to the bathroom and throw up in the toilet. My dad had poked his head around the corner and says, "Well no wonder you threw up, you had puke in your stomach!"

As a fellow ginger she came to me today and introduced herself. Not feeling so well. I politely declined her handshake. Explained that the stomach bug had gotten me. She proceeded to say it was nice to meet a fellow ginger, and followed with "you should drink some ginger tea to help with your stomach."

To which I replied, "Can't. That would be cannibalism."

Took her a second. Then a guffaw.

How do you kill a blue elephant?

• With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a white elephant?

• Choke him till he turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.

Did you know elephants paint their toenails to hide in bags of skittles? No? Have you ever seen an elephant in a bag of skittles? NO? WELL I GUESS IT WORKS!

All the guys in highschool band would call me a girl whenever my stomach would hurt after playing an instrument too long.

• Why'd it hurt your stomach? Minstrel Cramps.

I brought a girl over once and her name is Jessica. My father has a pretty severe case of tinnitus where he hears about 5-6 different tones at any given time. She announced her name and he thought it was Melissa for a few minutes. Eventually she corrected him.

He stared at her blankly for a moment and then asked, "Why'd you change your name Melissa? I think Melissa is a much nicer name."

Goddamnitdadwhyyoudothistome.

These are only a few. I practice very hard every day with my friends to become as punny and corny as a father should be with jokes. Someday I'll make him proud.

When I was a kid, if I got sick or hurt, and would tell my dad "my stomach hurts", he'd respond with "how's your face feel?" I'd of course say it felt fine, that's not what hurts. He replies, "well, it's killing me!" I want to hear from other people that survived the torture; what are some quotes of your dad you'll never forget?

DAD: U all ready for your presentation ME: yea but im kinda nervous, feeling the butterflies in my stomach DAD: well you should't have eaten caterpillars then

"Dad, my stomach hurts."

"Does your face hurt?"

"No, why?"

"Because it's killin' me"